Mum upset about visiting when baby is born

[Abbiewilliams96]

I’m due baby no2 in 3 weeks. After I had my first son we we’re bombarded with visitors at the hospital the morning after around 13 family member turned up in total even the midwife had to come over and say some of you will have to leave. It also caused arguments between both families so this time I don’t want anyone at the hospital. My in laws have already said that they will visit when we are ready. I had the conversation with my mother today and told her we don’t want visitors as soon as we’re home and just want a day to settle in as a little family and have our special time. My mother got quite annoyed about it. She started saying things like we don’t want want her to see the baby and said well that’s fine I won’t come and visit him at all then. Also said she’s never heard of anyone not wanting visitors straight away and we’re the only ones and it’s silly. She’s said being bombarded with visitors straight after is usually what happens and can’t understand why we don’t want that. Am I being unreasonable?

Goodness, she sounds like she's throwing a bigger tantrum than my 3 year old. Ask her if she'd like help packing for France

Your mum isn't the same as other relatives. I understand not wanting to be bombarded with everyone, but your mum is different - I would let her meet the baby asap. She feels like she isn't special or important to you and is just being lumped in with all the other relatives!

Sounds exactly like my experience.
with DC1 I found it super intense having both sets of parents in hospital on day 1. For dc2 I liked the idea of waiting a day or two. This was even during peak lockdown when visitors were not even legal, but my mother didn’t think that applied to her. In the end I didn’t want to fall out over it but I was very annoyed at feeling like my wishes were just ignored. I know some people want mom there day 1 (or even labour partner etc) but it’s very personal! I’ve had friends delay all visitors for 2 weeks - longer than I’d choose but again each to their own!!

good luck , hope you can manage not to fall out as you don’t need the stress at the end of pregnancy

'Tell her to stop whinging and if it carries on she’ll be at the bottom of the list. Honestly, you don’t need to be dealing with this.'

This with bells on!

If she's behaving like a toddler, treat her like one.

I have three dgc. I was able to meet each one in a reasonable time, by being a reasonable person.

So can she.

Try reading the post again

Personally I would allow my own mother to visit.

dont take her interest for granted

Good for you. What is it with all these grandparents making the birth and the baby all about them? You don’t even have to make it “fair” to her and mil - they’re not a pair of toddlers who want the same toy, though that’s probably how she sees it.
It’s not at all true that it’s normal for new mums to be immediately bombarded with visitors immediately. But I’m sure she knows that, she’s just saying it to guilt trip you.

If your in the UK OP?
very high you won’t be allowed any visits apart from birthing partner.

Don't feel guilty at all make sure you and your new little family are happy before people start bombarding you.

Also just because she's your mum doesn't mean she should be the first person there, like a pp said. Not every mum is good, useful, support and will make the first hours and days easy! There is always the assumption that all mums are amazing and will be helpful, they aren't always that way and the op has already stated that her mum has been fussy already.

Don't feel guilty, you, your dp, dc1 and dc2 are the important people and need to come first.

Such a judgemental and ignorant post. Not all mother daughter relationships are the same you know.

My mum had a stroke shortly after i had my second child. Totally healthy before so it was a big shock. She was left really poorly and has died now. Two of my favourite memories are of her just appearing at the hospital (still in the delivery room for my first) to meet her new grandchildren. Depends on your relationship i guess but new life is so precious and i would guess your mum just wants to be part of that magical time. 100% don't have wider family there (even my dad didnt come to the hospital) but surely your mum is different.

I haven’t said that my mother can’t visit at all. If you read my post again I’ve said I’m just asking for a day.

I had a rough delivery and didn't want anyone near me when I had DD. She was 2 weeks old before I had my mum to visit. She moaned but tough! I wasn't ready to see anyone.

Oh give over @feelthefear83 . The OP hasn't said her mum is a terrible person or anything. She might be a bit difficult but she is the OP's mother. Personally I wouldn't deliberately hurt my mum's feelings for the sake of a little visit.

I saw the title of the OP and thought that this was going to be one of those classic mumsnet demands that no-one meets the baby and intrudes on 'our little family' for six weeks!

You're asking for a day for goodness' sake. What's the matter with the woman?!

I didn't want my mum anywhere near me when I had my DD. Not everyone has a good relationship with their mum. I don't. And hated that she wanted to rock up to suit hers. Funnily enough she's never babysat or had anything to do with my DD so I'm glad I didn't let her burst my newborn bubble.

YANBU at all. Well done for setting boundaries! You’ll be tired, sore, maybe emotional, establishing feeding, bonding with your baby. No visitors until you’re ready! You’re the new mum - you set the rules. Don’t doubt yourself - trust your gut.
It sounds your mum might have some issues she may need to work through.

@Discovereads
Genuine question - which country/culture is this? Forgive my ignorance.

(It sounds bliss!)

You’re only asking for a day or two… definitely not being unreasonable!

In a way I’m glad I had my DS in lockdown so didn’t have to negotiate visitor politics.

This is one of those issues where only the woman giving birth knows what is best for her when it comes to how soon she is ready for visitors.

FWIW I'm pregnant and won't be having visitors at hospital. DH and I will be covid tested so I can't imagine lots of visitors are allowed in anyway. We've already said we might want a couple of days a home to settle in but we'll see how we feel.

Everyone I know who has children has told me they regret having visitors too soon (within 24 hours) after their first baby ; they all feel it disrupted breastfeeding and they just didn't feel physically ready.

Jeeeze, when my DD was giving birth to my DGD I was shocked at how anxious I was, and how much I wanted to see her and the baby and know that they were alright. But it never occurred to me that I would see them on day 1! Nor did I let her know how I was feeling.

I'd have been pretty upset had she made everyone wait weeks. That would have been really hard. It's hugely emotional for a mum when her own baby gives birth (which weirdly, I didn't really understand until she actually went into labour!).
But good grief, a couple if days isn't too much for a new mum to ask for.

I think it is a bit strange myself but your mother is being completely OTT in her reaction so I can understand, if that is what she is like, why you have felt the need to bring in this rule.
For people with normal, helpful, considerate mothers and MiLs, it seems strange.

The 13 people turning up at hospital was just ridiculous and OTT. So again, I can see why you are putting "rules" in place this time as it seems some of your extended family have no restraint or consideration.

For those who say "it's your mum", please pause for thought and think that not all mums are the same. This one has a weird competitive thing going on with MIL and is clearly tone deaf (the way to deal with your child making a decision you don't like is not to flounce around like a toddler - this type of person NEVER stays for a couple of hours, makes themselves useful and then leaves, because it is all about them).

OP, stick to your guns.

I posted a similar thing under another username a while ago and got lots of support but also a few saying I was a terrible daughter. I stuck to my guns and in the end we came home at dinner time the day after baby was born and both sets of grandparents visited at the same time the next morning. It was lovely because I was ready to hand baby over for cuddles and had showered/settled a bit. One family member who helped with our dog was there when we got home due to logistics but we made sure this wasn’t a grandparent to keep it fair.

Do what you want/works for you as won’t get that time again.

She even went as far as saying she’s going to move to France and then none of us will see her.

Totally ridiculous and emotional blackmail. Next time she makes this kind of comment turn it back on her.

I can't believe you care so little for us that you'd rather move to France and never see us again than let us have 1 or 2 days to get settled.

It's hard to have to accept my own mother refuses to support me when I say I want a very short amount of time to give my oldest dc to settle with his new sibling.

I don't understand why someone who loves me and wants the best for me and my children can't be a little patient. Don't you care that putting pressure on me is causing me stress and all for the sake of 48 hours.