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Original poster

Mum upset about visiting when baby is born

171 replies

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 19:57

I’m due baby no2 in 3 weeks. After I had my first son we we’re bombarded with visitors at the hospital the morning after around 13 family member turned up in total even the midwife had to come over and say some of you will have to leave. It also caused arguments between both families so this time I don’t want anyone at the hospital. My in laws have already said that they will visit when we are ready. I had the conversation with my mother today and told her we don’t want visitors as soon as we’re home and just want a day to settle in as a little family and have our special time. My mother got quite annoyed about it. She started saying things like we don’t want want her to see the baby and said well that’s fine I won’t come and visit him at all then. Also said she’s never heard of anyone not wanting visitors straight away and we’re the only ones and it’s silly. She’s said being bombarded with visitors straight after is usually what happens and can’t understand why we don’t want that. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2022 06:22

Abbiewilliams96 · 03/08/2022 21:52

all I’m asking is just for a day to settle in and have some special time for our little family and our son to have time with his new brother and I don’t know how I’ll be feeling and how my labour will go. I never wanted to upset my mother at all. I just really don’t want to be bombarded like last time especially the 13 family members who turned up. My mam brought my Nan, granddad and great aunty with her to the hospital the day after. My dad and dads friend turned up, my aunty and uncle were there and then we had all my partners family too it was to much. That’s why this time I just want our space just for a day.

I feel like my relationship with my mum isn’t great right now as we don’t have any time for our little family now.
My mother comes to my house everyday except for a Saturday and expects me to be there at the same time and if I’m not in she calls and says well you know I come up at this time everyday why are you not home! and gets very funny about if we’re not there. She also always states Thursday and Friday are her days and we’re not allowed to make plans even though she sees my son everyday. The only time we get to go out and have our family time is a Saturday when she doesn’t come up. My mother has always liked to be very involved so maybe this is why she’s taken it so badly us wanting time with our new baby.
I feel like she doesn’t like it at all if I voice my opinion and what I want.

I would make your mother wait longer and use the birth of your baby to create a boundary. I imagine your dh is taking paternity leave so I’d chat together about creating boundaries. Eg no impromptu visits, see her on a set day once a week etc.

If she wants to move to France, that would perhaps be a good outcome. I think she will find it a lot harder these days.

Was her mother this suffocating with her?

SundayTeatime · 04/08/2022 06:30

Wow, YANBU. I didn’t have any visitors at hospital, definitely not my parents or ILs. It wouldn’t be possible -they live hundreds of miles away. My parents came to visit at home in the next few days, my ILs about three weeks after the birth.

Positivelypatient · 04/08/2022 06:36

Your mum is being ridiculous and self centred. She needs to grow up!

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 04/08/2022 06:38

I don't know why anyone would think you were being unreasonable OP, you're asking for a day. That's not unreasonable in any shape of form. People can wait a day to meet a baby, regardless of who the person is.

Nursemumma92 · 04/08/2022 06:43

@ImAvingOops She wants one day with no-one just her DP, DS and new baby. Maybe the relationship between them is slightly strained. Also how would the in laws then feel if she was allowed to visit but not them? It's one day. Her mother having a tantrum and saying she'll never ever visit is just pathetic.

Superfrog3 · 04/08/2022 06:44

Your not being unreasonable, with my 1st I had visitors same day and I was so uncomfortable! I had a csection so couldn't move yet or anything. Then with my next 2 I gave myself atleast a day or 2 before visitors. Even the person looking after older child didn't get time to hold ect. We literally picked the kids up and gave them first bonding time, it was important for us to have that time for the older kids to hold and have that time with the baby.

Congratulations your mum will get over it eventually and if she doesn't then that's her choice you haven't done anything wrong.

christmas2022 · 04/08/2022 06:45

Is your user name your name and date of birth?

Be aware sometimes the media pick up stories from this site so it is best to use a non identifiable user name.

Everyday is too much, your mum needs to get her own life. She is intruding on yours too much. Make yourself purposely unavailable to create a bit of space.

Stick to your guns you have every right to have that day and more if you feel like it.

greenacrylicpaint · 04/08/2022 06:48

ignore her.

my mother is of a similar disposition. her way or no way and very passive agressive.

the only thing I had in my birth plans was that she wasn't to come onto the ward.

the realisation that whatever I do is setting her off and some distance is bliss.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 04/08/2022 06:57

TeachesOfPeaches · 04/08/2022 06:14

It's very normal on MN to have no visitors for the first 60 days after your birth so you can 'bond' with your baby. In the real world, most people have their parents visit, just after birth, at the hospital.

Really? Most of these threads people are asking for a couple of days, couple of weeks at the most. Possible exaggeration on your part I think.

It sounds like OP is completely overwhelmed by her mum's demands and needs a bit of space. She's asked for 1 day, not 60. Having just been through labour and birth and all that comes with it, she is entitled to that one day of recovery before her overbearing mother descends.

Perhaps if her mum was a little less selfish and demanding OP wouldn't have even had to think twice about when she sees the baby.

SundayTeatime · 04/08/2022 07:14

TeachesOfPeaches · 04/08/2022 06:14

It's very normal on MN to have no visitors for the first 60 days after your birth so you can 'bond' with your baby. In the real world, most people have their parents visit, just after birth, at the hospital.

No, not in the real world. In the real world, most people don’t live near to their parents, so of course parents can’t just pop in to visit at the hospital. And the hospital is all too keen to get you discharged, so you’re home very quickly if all goes well. Parents would barely have time to book a train ticket.

TeachesOfPeaches · 04/08/2022 07:14

@RocketsMagnificent7 yes, 60 days and 60 nights. Very traditional on MN.

Poppyblush · 04/08/2022 07:18

Everyday she visits??? Ffs, that would drive me mad. You need to get control.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 04/08/2022 07:46

@Lindasllama did you read all of the ops posts? are you the mother?

@Abbiewilliams96 I think I cried a little at your last update. bless you dealing with that level of craziness. you have bigger problems than not having a visitor for 24 hours

Whitehorsegirl · 04/08/2022 07:47

It is so annoying that she is making it all about herself and turning things into a drama.

What you are saying is perfectly reasonable and she should respect your wishes.

Not to mention that with Covid it makes sense not to have so many people visiting (or they might not even be allowed to by the hospital anyway).

I would stick to your decision and not get involved further in her tantrum...you have other things to concentrate on.

Ontomatopea · 04/08/2022 07:48

Shes being selfish

ladygindiva · 04/08/2022 07:49

AthenaPopodopolous · 03/08/2022 20:29

Goodness me, are you saying your own mother can’t visit? That sounds mean. No wonder she’s upset. Other visitors can wait though.

FFS she's entitled to have or not have whoever she likes visiting or not visiting. It's not mean at all!

OhRiRi · 04/08/2022 08:43

Your mum sounds like a nightmare. My mother in law lives with us and even then there are days where I don't see her!

We just didn't tell anyone our son was born until we were ready to have visitors (about 18 hours after). I wonder if your MiL can be on side and not tell her.

Original poster
Abbiewilliams96 · 04/08/2022 08:59

Thank you all so much for replying it’s nice to read everyone’s opinions on this as I’ve been doubting myself since having the chat with her yesterday and her reaction. My mum always has this way of making you second guess yourself and feel guilty. If she don’t agree with anything you do or want she always uses the same line that you must be the only person to do this or I’ve never heard of anyone to do this. My partner isn’t happy about her reaction yesterday and feels the same that we’re literally just asking for a day. He gets fed up of her coming to our house everyday and feels like we have no privacy at all as we have my Nan too (my mums mother) who calls to our house most days unannounced. My partner always says he just wants to come home from work one day have no one here and just chill.

we are definitely going to stick to our one day after baby is born. I also know I need to cut down the visits in the week as I feel like we get no time with our son expect for the one day so this week I made plans on Tuesday and Wednesday so she’s seen him three days this week.

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 04/08/2022 09:04

@BuanoKubiamVej the OP is asking for 1 day and has made that clear in multiple posts. Perhaps try reading those before criticising her for doing something she isn't

ImAvingOops · 04/08/2022 10:29

I think your partner has the patience of a saint. I'd have done my nut if if I'd come home from work everyday to find my in-laws in my house!
OP I think you do have to listen to what your partner is trying to say to you here and tell your mum and nan that you would like them to phone before coming round. Blame your partner a bit if it helps, as they will take it better if they think it's not wholly coming from you, but you need to establish a culture of them not treating your house as an extension of their own and respecting that you are an adult with your own family and relationships and not completely at their beck and call. It's a difficult conversation to have but if you don't, this will be your life forever.
Not being dramatic but I honestly would have left my husband if he let his mum and dad behave like your do - I wouldn't have been able to take it.

BuanoKubiamVej · 04/08/2022 11:00

@user1471457751 i didn't criticise the OP at all. This is a discussion thread with a range of views on it and my post is quite clearly to be read in the context of the numerous other replies from people advocating a visitor-free "babymoon" where the family don't get to meet the baby till he or she is a month old. It's a bit weird of you to single out my post as if it was an attack, which it really wasn't.

christmas2022 · 04/08/2022 11:48

Your partner is not being unreasonable at all in asking for time to chill after work.

I'd probably end up getting quite grouchy if my in laws were there everyday and maybe even find ways of not having to go home if they are there.

You need to sort this. Your family could be lovely and blissful if you can just create that healthy bit of distance.

saraclara · 04/08/2022 11:56

I honestly would have left my husband if he let his mum and dad behave like your do - I wouldn't have been able to take it.

Me too. For the sake of your DH and your future family life, you absolutely need to prevent your mum and been seeing your house as an extension of theirs.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to say that you need space to be a family and tell both of them that twice a week visits is your boundary. Now is actually a good time to broach that as your mum is already kicking off. You might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, as the saying goes. Get all your new rules established in one go.

Seriously, your marriage could be at stake here. It certainly would see the end of the relationship of my in-laws behaved this way.

saraclara · 04/08/2022 11:57

Mum and Nan, rather

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 11:58

@Discovereads never heard of that , most people have visitors after a few days unless very unwell