DH using toilet for DT’s when out

[Silverbirch123]

I have NC for this but I’m a regular poster

We have 3 year old twin girls. If we’re out (or he takes them out on his own) for the day and my DH has to take one (or both) of our girls to the toilet he’s started using the ladies (not always just sometimes)

The reason he says for this is that the mens toilets are usually really grotty. He went somewhere a couple of weeks ago where there was only 1 cubicle, and several men using the urinals. He pushed the door open and there was a guy sitting on the toilet who hadn’t locked the door 🤮

He immediately came out and used the ladies. No one has ever said anything to him but I’ve suggested that in those circumstances he uses the disabled, but that’s not always possible if you need a special key to open them.

i darent post this in AIBU but given the circumstances above would you DH’s do the same? I’m keen for my DH not to cause offence by using the ladies but I’m also keen for my DD’s not being subjected to filthy toilets and grown men not shutting the doors when they’re having a poo 💩

@Thereisnolight you keep saying to me and others who say this man should not be in a women's space: "But what if...? As I said in my post it is not my purpose to solve other people's problems for them. I might decide to do so in some instances but in this one I don't.

However, I am helpful so here are a few of my suggestions: If the seat is dirty he should kick it up with his toe, give the rim a wipe and put paper down so there is a barrier between the china and his daughter's bum. That's what women do in women's toilets when confronted with wee, poo and menstrual blood on the seat - it doesn't happen all the time but we've all seen it, haven't we? Please don't say: "What if there is no toilet paper?" Most of us have learned to prepare for that eventuality.

Or, and this is where men's superior upper body strength is really handy, he could hold his three-year-old daughter over the bowl while she widdles. A poo is a bit trickier but still manageable. Her aim might not be pin-sharp so he should clean up for the next person.

If the toilet looks like the one in Trainspotting he should leave immediately. He should still not go into the women's loo but instead find alternative arrangements. I don't know what they would be and it's not my concern.

MAN COMING THROUGH, AHOY, ENTITLED MAN COMING THROUGH

I would like to know how best to respond in tbe case of a ‘man coming through!’ announcement / unannounced male in toilet / request by man to use women only toilets because accompanied by a small child (female). What is the best way to challenge and do you just suck up tbe risk of being called a fucking bitch etc?

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle your man coming through announcement really made me laugh!
How to respond - I'd like to think that I'd speak up & say that I mind and ask him to leave. The reality is that I'd probably be too scared to - the kind of man who thinks it's ok to use the female toilets is probably the kind if man who isn't going to take kindly to a woman telling him no. As you say, you risk him going off at you & calling you a fucking bitch etc. Maybe this is something that needs an actual campaign - introducing changing spaces in male toilets; more cubicles/less urinals; more family toilets; signs up specifically telling men NOT to enter the ladies & signposting them where to take their female children?

When I was 12 the male caretaker used the "Man coming through!" alert to walk into the changing rooms. We were too young to know to object.

Our PE teacher wasn't always there. Usually she was picking up the net balls and chatting to the other teachers and I think he might have known that.

But one day she followed him in. I can't remember exactly what she said but he fled muttering something about only doing his job and getting mixed up with the boys' side. He never got mixed up again.

If the gents loo in a particular location are "genuinely really filthy", what makes you think the ladies will be any better? If that location doesn't adequately clean the gents they're not going to clean the ladies either.

As has already been posted - is it beyond the wit of this man to carry some wetwipes to clean the seat down before his daughter uses it? I was still taking a bag out with me when DS was 3 containing a change of clothes, wipes etc. because - accidents happen. @Silverbirch123's husband needs to step up to the responsibilities of parenthood, like knowing where the decent toilets are and being prepared if you have to use the grotty ones.

Thanks but RTFT.
A pp came up with a constructive solution.

@Thereisnolight you asked me and others "what if..." so I gave you my solutions to your scenarios in the same way all patient adults do to small children who keep asking "why?"

Thank you for asking but I have RTFT so I know that @seramum told us her husband carries a potty with him when out with their daughters. That's a good idea. Fathers of daughters should do that instead of going into women's toilets shouldn't they? If they don't have a potty with them they should make other arrangements that don't involve going into a women's space, shouldn't they?

I don’t understand why there is rarely changing facilities in men’s toilets. It’s so sexist. Sometimes dads have to.. shock horror.. look after their kids!!

If men had really wanted them and campaigned for them they'd have got them dont ya think ?

Truth is i doubt enough of them.really want them. Large groups of men/males seem more interested in removing spaces/facilities for women as opposed to campaigning for additional facilities.

And given they have successfully done so on a number of occasions its proof enough really that if it was something men as a whole wanted. In a strong enough capacity to actually do something about it. Then they would have done.so and won so by now.

The only places around here that don’t have them are places you don’t see children, bars, clubs etc.

The only childfriendly places that don’t have them are a few coffee shops that have a single toilet for everyone to use, not a specific mens toilet.

@Whatwouldscullydo yes it almost feels like a power move by some? Especially as simonjt above says that most men's toilets DO have changing facilities, something which my DH also corroborates

The state of the mens has been the longest standing excuse since forever as to why men as a whole van put put of aspects of parenting.

The whole taking them into the ladies is the toilet equivalent of strategic incompetence. If you are going to do something do it badly causing as many problems as possible so you dont get asked again.

Look how quickly men/males get things done/shut down etc

If they wanted clean, child friendly toilets they'd have them.

I'm reminded of a visit to some services.

Lots of families. Womens loos with a long queue. Men just walking in and out of the mens. Cleaners present in both loos. Neither the best or worse states. Both acceptable for use.

Not one man took a child in. Not one. Eveb when presented with the opportunity they'd rather see their wives queue.

We keep feeling sorry for them as apparently there arent the facilities or whatever. But even when there are the dynamic still stands.

I have seen this too. Not how it works with us. DH takes our 4yo boy in with him whenever we're out as a family.

I'd have no problem if a man gave a heads up coming in with little girls- I'd prefer that over 3 year old girls being exposed to penises weeing at urinals. Obviously the dad would use the family or unisex ones (we have them in Portugal shopping centers ) or disabled one if possible- but otherwise no. If it were twin boys I'd say no all to mens and clean toilet with wipes. Ladies toilet's are cubicles so unlikely to cause offense esp with 2 kids there too

I'd have no problem if a man gave a heads up coming in with little girls- I'd prefer that over 3 year old girls being exposed to penises weeing at urinals.

The chances of actually seeing a penis when men are using urinals is pretty slim. You’d have to be very up close at an inappropriate angle… men don’t just walk around the toilets waving their dicks about. I also don’t see how it’s more or less appropriate to risk a 3 year old girl catching a glimpse of a strangers penis than a 3 year old boy. I have very little doubt that if the OPs children were boys the OPs DH wouldn’t be doing this. He’s just being unnecessarily awkward and prudish about his ‘delicate’ girls being in the men’s.

He’s just being unnecessarily awkward and prudish about his ‘delicate’ girls being in the men’s

Oh the irony. It’s debatable who’s being awkward and prudish here. In my opinion it’s not the child’s father.

Are you suggesting that women who require single sex spaces, whether for reasons of trauma, religion or simple legal rights, are being “awkward” and “prudish”?

There are people on here who have opened up about sexual assault by male perpetrators in female-only spaces. To suggest that a sexual assault survivor is being awkward or prudish by trying to protect herself & others is beyond insulting.

It’s so fucking offensive to say women who don’t want random men in their private safe spaces are ‘prudish’.

Never underestimate the power of internalised misogyny

The extent to which men must never be inconvenienced is ridiculous.

I don't want males in female spaces. I can remember having to remove my jeans in order to try to dry them using the hand dryer in a ladies loo. It was embarrassing enough standing there in my underwear with women walking in, I would have been absolutely mortified if a bloke wandered in as well.

I would have absolutely no problem, loudly, telling a male that he was in the wrong toilet and would make a scene if necessary, what would your DH do then OP?

Females who don't have an issue with it, then great good for you, but please don't give away MY rights to single-sex spaces. You can always go use the men's and clean them up while you're there, then everyone's happy.

@ChristinePerfect funnily enough I’ve just posted a thread about how this morning my period came on suddenly in a pub at breakfast and I was stood washing my jeans with a hoodie round my waste covering my knickers. I would HATE for a man to walk in and I’m frankly embarrassed for the people who think his right to not expose his little darling diddums to a urinal is more important than my privacy in that situation

It would take some serious gymnastics to see a penis here. Pretty sure men zip up before they step away from the porcelain.