My 3 year old got rejected today

[helpim]

I know it's just the start of things but it literally broke my heart to see him so upset.
He plays with next doors children and always asks first if he can go over, they always say yes and he has the best time with them but today when he shouted over they said no. His little face was so heartbroken. He kept saying 'they said no mummy, they said no'

I've explained that sometimes they are busy and can't always play when he wants to (they are older boys) but I'd like to explain it in the best way possible. God rejection isn't nice but I know he's going to face it much worse as he gets older.

How would you explain jt?

[helpim]

Also to clarify matters, my neighbour is a friend. There is a gap in the fence purposefully for the children to mingle. We've spoke about children going backwards and forwards, we are both happy for them to do so as long as both parents agree first. It's not everyday.

[Sirzy]

But both sets of children have to agree too.

from your lack of willingness to say the ages I am guessing the other children are older?

either way it’s absolutely fine for children to polity say no to others.

[Whatwouldscullydo]

@helpim

The point of my post was to try ensure he wasn't so bothered with being turned down etc in the future. So some advice on what kind of things to say, really not sure why I'm overreacting as I was just looking for tips 🤷🏻‍♀️

But the fact you are even asking for tips is a huge over reaction in itself. Surely your toddler has cried before . This doesn't require anything different or special to deal with. Next door are not responsible for your child's happiness fgs.

And calling it rejection when they said no like once is extremely dramatic. Its not like they left him at the altar.

Instead of trying to explain its not every day or that neighbourhoods don't mind a gap in the fence, perhaps start working out some bounderies and stop relying om other children to keep your child happy amd entertained.

[Raul57]

Just want to add.
Never forget that "children" are just that, children and will often change their minds several times within a few minutes.

[helpim]

@Whatwouldscullydo Not everyone finds these things come naturally when dealing with a toddler. If that's hard for you to understand then perhaps don't comment on a help forum 🫣🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[Johnnysgirl]

@helpim

@Whatwouldscullydo Not everyone finds these things come naturally when dealing with a toddler. If that's hard for you to understand then perhaps don't comment on a help forum 🫣🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

You asked for help. You appear to need it.

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Its not about having things cone naturally.. I dont think how to deal with the toddler is the first concern here. Its your interpretation and framing of 1 no. Which could entirely have come from the mum just not feeling up to supervising one extra that day.

Toddlers are dramatic. They cry of the sandwiches are cut wrong or their bread sticks break. Which is why adults need to try and be a bit rational. Rejection is a strong word. Not something that should be applied to a child asserting a boundary they should be allowed to have.

The first port of call in dealing with this situation for me, would not be worrying how my child will react to being told no as thats happened a million times before. But would actually be me working on my reactions to situations.

[2bazookas]

" Mummy, they said no"

" They were busy. Some times I say no, don't I? If I'm busy or doing something else. Some times I ask you to do something and you don't want to because you're very busy doing something else."

He's learning social norms.

Don't ramp up normal into some dramatic trauma.

[AcrossthePond55]

@helpim

@Whatwouldscullydo Not everyone finds these things come naturally when dealing with a toddler. If that's hard for you to understand then perhaps don't comment on a help forum 🫣🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Very few people are 'natural parents'. Most of us struggle at times to figure out the right thing to do or say. So if you're feeling that there are millions of people out there who 'just know' what to do, think again. And be comforted in the fact that you are not alone. Not by a long chalk!!!

Many of us on your thread have spoken from experience, even if we didn't always use the 'choicest' words. Try to 'hear' the message behind the words, not just the words themselves. There can be a nugget of truth or wisdom even behind ill-chosen words.

My sons are in their thirties but I still remember how hard those toddler years could be, especially in 'communications'. So I was speaking from experience when I said upthread that you need to understand that being told 'no' after asking if he could come over to play (what you termed as 'rejection) is a very important life lesson. And when it comes to feeling their 'pain', as my friend's Bubbie use to say to us when we were frantic about our parenting decisions or childhood hurts; "From this, little children do not die". Your son will survive and the next time he's told 'no' he will be less upset.

Remember also, that toddlers pick up on our emotions through our body language and facial expressions sometimes even more so that through our words. A calm and neutral expression and gestures will get you far, sometimes farther than your actual words. Do we always feel calm? Oh God, no! But we can 'fake it till we make it'.

There are always going to be bumps and bruises along the way, both for you and for DS. You will get it right sometimes and you will get it wrong sometimes. But your son will survive and grow into a fine man, one of whom you will be very proud. I know this because my sons did. I look at them now and think "I did pretty damn good".

[JoanThursday]

Fine words, @AcrossthePond55.

[StationaryMagpie]

What across the pond said.. the only way to respond to this kind of thing is the 'never mind, sometimes people can't play' to give him space to feel his feelings, but also to reassure/distract so it doesn't turn into a HUGE thing.

Its like.. a child who falls over, if you go "OH MY GOD MY POOR BABY" and make a massive fuss, it teaches them its a BIG thing and worth making a huge fuss over, and reinforces a dramatic reaction and they will learn to cry next time it happens.
But, if you go 'oh dear' pick them up, check they're ok, give them a little hug and say "never mind, its ok" treat any injury matter of fact, and encourage/distract them back into play they learn its not a huge thing and to just get on.

There are times to indulge upset, and times to distract.. this was a distract 'never mind' kind of scenario.

[ChagSameachDoreen]

Oh don't be so dramatic! It's life.

[Minerva76]

Storm in a teacup. Get over it. Probably it upset you more than your child. Who looks after your 3 year old when he is playing over next door? I bet the next door mum got fed up with keeping an eye out for your child as well. Does the neighbour kid come around to yours at all? Do you reciprocate the favour? Well, every story has two sides.

[CatBeeBirdTree]

I would personally be a bit wary about just letting my 3 year old play next door. 3 year olds need a fair bit of supervision, and as they are next door - it’s a matter of who is in charge? If they have an accident, would the neighbour feel responsible? Is there a fair reciprocation about next door coming to play with you/you then supervising etc. The older children should be allowed to play games that may be a bit more grown up for your toddler. I would take this as ‘rejection’ - I think it’s about managing expectations with your neighbour.

[User5757385737]

It's sad for your son but he needs to learn that he can't go around every time he asks, because naturally those older boys are going to be busy or wanting to do their own thing sometimes. Maybe they don't always want to hang around with or look after a toddler? Is it in their house or garden? Maybe their parents don't want the responsibility either?

I wouldn't say it's rejection. They aren't obliged to play with him.

it's a bit much going over all the time.

do you invite them back to yours??

[Mally100]

@rattlemehearties

You're taking this far too personally. Bright and breezy, "they can't fit you in today, maybe another time, now what shall we do?" and find something else for your 3yo to do.

This. If you a make it a big deal then it becomes a big deal.

[MassiveSalad22]

Do you have them round? 3 year old next door always wants to come here and play with my 2 but it’s a bit much especially as still in nappies, and my 2 don’t need much supervision but I don’t want to leave a 3yo unsupervised.

[Mally100]

Ridiculous. Ops reaction tells you all you need to know.

[Mally100]

@helpim

The point of my post was to try ensure he wasn't so bothered with being turned down etc in the future. So some advice on what kind of things to say, really not sure why I'm overreacting as I was just looking for tips 🤷🏻‍♀️

What tips do you need. It's such a non event. You say maybe they are busy and get on with life. There isn't a need for tips, strategies and coping mechanics. What drama over nothing.

[kateandme]

@helpim

@Whatwouldscullydo Not everyone finds these things come naturally when dealing with a toddler. If that's hard for you to understand then perhaps don't comment on a help forum 🫣🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s totally ok to feel uncertainty op. We aren’t all knowing all confident all of the time fgs. And it’s okay to admit that any time you need to.
I’m sorry for some of the responses on here.
Your allowed to be soft and struggle with something possibly irrationally too!
keep repeating the breezy breezy.his brain will create that pathway too soon.but it takes a few repeated times for kiddies to understand anything and be on with it.
keep him confident,perhaps extra compliment for the next few hours.
remind him some days he feels like playing Lego and some days his cars.other times he just doesn’t feel like playing but watches tv. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like his Lego does it.

kids can be fickle to op.get ready because it can come across as bloody cruel lol.

remind him it doesn’t mean anything on him.he’s awesome to be with.

[oakleaffy]

@helpim

Makes me scared of what's to come. I feel his pain tenfold 😫

Many a “ Rejection “ to come yet!
Bolster his self confidence, and do not dwell on it.
Older kids don’t always want younger kids there, it’s not personal.
Don’t make a thing of it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Your ds is a little sponge and it sounds as though you have overreacted so the risk is he will react even more strongly next time. The key to brooking disappointment is distraction at this age. You don’t have to make everything better. You job is to teach resilience, which will stand him in good stead.

We should not be teaching our children to have unreasonable expectations on others. It wasn’t a drama and no one was rejected. I do wonder if you’re relying too much on the neighbours right now. Sitting listening out isn’t the same as supervising in your garden and you should take your cue from them. How often do they come over to ask to play with your ds?

The response in any case should have been something like “they’re busy / doing big boy stuff, oh well, shall we do some painting?” Etc

[busymomtoone]

I’m sorry that your DC was so upset, but it sounds like maybe you’ve had a very convenient set up and never once said : “ no don’t bother them now / let them have some time together” etc - if EVERY time he has invited himself the children / mother have agreed, that has probably been extremely painful/ wearing for them . You “ keeping an ear” over the fence is NOT enough for the neighbour’s parent/s to not feel responsible- and you have avoided answering if you ever bother to return the invites. Kids generally do want to be inclusive , but entertaining and making allowances for a 3 year old is not “
letting him join in” it’s adapting different games so he can avoid feeling left out. It will be really interesting to see how you would feel when your DC is 6/7/8/9? and is constantly being requested to be a playmate/ babysitter to a 3 year old!!! I think 3 is definitely old enough to gently encourage him to understand everyone has things they need/ want to do. When he asks you to play with him you must surely have to sometimes say “ I’m cooking dinner now” etc? Does it break his heart each time? Hopefully not! It’s no different - people cannot be forced to be available and playmate on demand , and explaining that gently now will save dc a lot of upset in future !

[CheshireCat1]

It is horrible when your children are upset. I would have just said that they’re probably busy so let’s find something else to do.
I wouldn’t worry about it and when something similar happens just be very matter of fact about it. As he grows he’ll develop ways to handle situations.
I have three grown up sons, all lovely and happy, the worse time was watching them have their hearts broken when they were teenagers.

[MyneighbourisTotoro]

I think you are over thinking it and making it a big of a big deal over nothing.
He wasn’t rejected, they just said no and you explained it to him perfectly, I don’t think anything more needs saying.