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Original poster

My 3 year old got rejected today

190 replies

helpim · 25/07/2022 16:23

I know it's just the start of things but it literally broke my heart to see him so upset.
He plays with next doors children and always asks first if he can go over, they always say yes and he has the best time with them but today when he shouted over they said no. His little face was so heartbroken. He kept saying 'they said no mummy, they said no'

I've explained that sometimes they are busy and can't always play when he wants to (they are older boys) but I'd like to explain it in the best way possible. God rejection isn't nice but I know he's going to face it much worse as he gets older.

How would you explain jt?

OP posts:
Original poster
helpim · 25/07/2022 19:06

The point of my post was to try ensure he wasn't so bothered with being turned down etc in the future. So some advice on what kind of things to say, really not sure why I'm overreacting as I was just looking for tips 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
NameChangeLifeChange · 25/07/2022 19:11

rattlemehearties · 25/07/2022 16:32

You're taking this far too personally. Bright and breezy, "they can't fit you in today, maybe another time, now what shall we do?" and find something else for your 3yo to do.

This. I get it OP but one day he won’t be invited to kids in classes birthday parties, friends will have play dates with other kids and generally being a bit ‘left out’ it part of life and childhood. Acknowledge it feels crap but then swiftly move on every time, don’t dwell and try to make amends or make them feel better. Resilience starts now!

SpringSparrow · 25/07/2022 19:24

How old are the other children? How about texting your neighbour and asking them around for tea or to play in your garden and you supervise them, and do it more formally. I expect the other mum would like a break from always being the one supervising the children.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Behaviour & development Families
SmileyClare · 25/07/2022 19:26

It's probably best to only allow him to ask to play occasionally, maybe invite the boys next door over to your garden occasionally, get a pool out or something so it's not so one sided.

You don't need tips on how to explain this to him. You explained they were busy today, that's all that's needed.

It's important he learns that lesson. Don't get carried away with his "pain", mild disappointment is part of life and that's all this was!

Don't fall into the trap of thinking everyone will love spending time with your son.

It sounds as though he's asking to go round there too much. You say you hover outside but the responsibility is still on the other mum while he's there.

It's probably best to consider how awkward it is for a child to be continually asking to play.

SmileyClare · 25/07/2022 19:32

People are saying you're over reacting based on the following;

-calling this a Rejection
-saying it broke your heart
-describing your son as "heart broken"
-claiming you're scared of what's to come

It's all a bit dramatic and emotional.

WonderingWanda · 25/07/2022 19:33

I agree with pp. You can't stop children feeling disappointed, that's normal and actually it's important they learn to deal with it. Do you never say no to him?

BMWqueen · 25/07/2022 19:35

I feel u this happens on a daily basis with my next door neighbor my kid is 3 there’s is 9…. Crazy :( x

Prinnny · 25/07/2022 19:38

I think the best tip you can take from this thread OP is stop your 3 year old shouting over to the neighbours for play dates whilst you chill in the garden! I’d love to read the thread from the neighbours mums perspective 😂

SparkyBlue · 25/07/2022 19:41

I totally understand where you are coming from I hate seeing their feelings hurt however I have a little girl next door always wanting to play with mine and it's started driving me batty. I think the parents have gotten the hint at this stage. My children are different ages and stages and the last thing I want when mine are happily pottering away is another child needing supervision

rainrelief · 25/07/2022 19:42

and they have known since they could understand that we don't ask to go to someone's house, we wait to be invited

Really? I think this is really sad. When I was a child we called at the houses of kids in the street and asked, 'Can Mary play?' The kid next door and over the road pops over to see if my kids are free to play, as mine do to them. I've told the mum of the kid up the street he's welcome to come over when he likes to see if mine are free to play.

Childhood should be as free range as possible. I certainly don't want to spend my life organising formal play dates. Its good for kids to have this independence and control for themselves. And its easy to say, ' sorry, they aren't free right now.' (This is normal, and not rejection OP!)

Livelovebehappy · 25/07/2022 19:43

Gosh, wait til he starts school, with all the dramas of parties and children being brutal about who they play with. It’s good this is happening a little bit now - it will prepare you for the school years.

Splicebaked · 25/07/2022 19:53

How often do next doors DC play at your house?

Is it like for like?

I'd get really fed up if NDN DC were always round here and mine never over there

Johnnysgirl · 25/07/2022 19:53

helpim · 25/07/2022 18:53

Thanks for some of the helpful comments.

Good old Mumsnet for the pointless ones 😆

For the record, no I don't relax with a coffee, I'm either at the back door or on the garden listening and watching out for him.
If he wants to go play or if the kids ask him to go over I've always made sure that they all check both with me and with their mum that's it's ok. Hope this clarifies matters 🧐

So maybe their Mum finally said no? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also, your op clearly stated that he always calls over the fence and asks them can he come round; this is the first mention of them "inviting" him 🤔🤔🤔

Topseyt123 · 25/07/2022 19:57

helpim · 25/07/2022 16:26

Makes me scared of what's to come. I feel his pain tenfold 😫

You say you are not sure you are overreacting, I think. But this is a huge overreaction. You need to get a grip on it.

Also, you really can't expect your neighbours or their children to be happy running around after your three year old all the time, and it does sound like he goes over there an awful lot, with or without you. He seems to expect it, and he has to learn not to.

He hasn't been rejected. Stop being so dramatic. He was told no.

Sirzy · 25/07/2022 20:08

BMWqueen · 25/07/2022 19:35

I feel u this happens on a daily basis with my next door neighbor my kid is 3 there’s is 9…. Crazy :( x

And you can’t think why a 9 year old doesn’t want to play with a 3 year old everyday?

BloodAndFire · 25/07/2022 20:13

helpim · 25/07/2022 19:06

The point of my post was to try ensure he wasn't so bothered with being turned down etc in the future. So some advice on what kind of things to say, really not sure why I'm overreacting as I was just looking for tips 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because of this:

it literally broke my heart

Heatstrokeunsteady · 25/07/2022 20:19

Funnily enough my much elder child got rejected today in a bad way. I certainly felt their pain but took my own advice and stayed cheerful and calm. I am trying not to “fix” anything which I often tend to do.

Xmasbaby11 · 25/07/2022 20:27

This is so incredibly minor. Doesn't he experience disappointments on this level every day? I imagine it's on a par with

Favourite toy is lost / broken
Party or other event cancelled at last minute
Run out of Favourite food at home
Grow out of Favourite wellies

He'll forget so quickly. That's a shame, distract, move on.

Any idea why you're taking this to heart?

Longlegsandskinnyjeans · 25/07/2022 20:30

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Minimalme · 25/07/2022 20:50

It's not a rejection - they just didn't want to play today.

He is just another younger child to them, they won't care either way if he plays or he doesn't.

Also, at 3 I think you should be there to supervise. My eldest dc had a close friend with a younger sibling. She would come with her Dad to pick my son's friend up and literally run into the house and refuse to leave.

Ineffectual Dad would stand limp at the door saying her name and smiling weakly when she shouted 'No!'.

In the end I used to pick her up, hand her to her useless Dad and shut the sort very quickly.

UWhatNow · 25/07/2022 22:14

This reply has been deleted

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Vanishdisappear · 25/07/2022 22:24

rainrelief · 25/07/2022 19:42

and they have known since they could understand that we don't ask to go to someone's house, we wait to be invited

Really? I think this is really sad. When I was a child we called at the houses of kids in the street and asked, 'Can Mary play?' The kid next door and over the road pops over to see if my kids are free to play, as mine do to them. I've told the mum of the kid up the street he's welcome to come over when he likes to see if mine are free to play.

Childhood should be as free range as possible. I certainly don't want to spend my life organising formal play dates. Its good for kids to have this independence and control for themselves. And its easy to say, ' sorry, they aren't free right now.' (This is normal, and not rejection OP!)

I think you may have misunderstood me. I mean my children don't go up to their friends/call over the fence and ask to go to their house.

They are free (free range?) To knock for whoever and have whoever knock for them and if it suits they can go out to play or go to their friends IF they have been invited.
Their friends can come in ours if it suits us all at that time.

I think its basic politeness not to invite yourself or ask to go to someone's house and thats what i meant. They are more than ok to go after being asked.

I didnt at all mean that it has to be a formal playdate that's arranged, just that they are to be asked before going inside someone's house.
I dont think it's sad at all and my children aren't sad about it.

ladycarlotta · 25/07/2022 23:13

I relate! I relate! I also have a 3-year-old and it's crushing to see your child 'rejected' like this, however rationally you know that this is going to happen in their life and that you can't prevent it. Mumsnet is not really a place that lets you just feel how you feel about things. You're not OTT, it's just a shock when you see this happen to your little one for the first time.

I think you handled it fine, from what you shared here. I think if it were me I'd:


  • acknowledge his disappointment, briefly and without histrionics

  • explain, as you did, that people aren't always able to do what we want, or they might not choose to and that's OK.

  • Say that's fine.

  • find something else to do, distract if necessary.


You can do all this breezily and in a sentence or two. Don't lay any of your own sadness on it, don't imply any judgement of the other children. That's it, I think.

Original poster
helpim · 26/07/2022 07:40

@ladycarlotta Thank you thank you! ❤️❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
helpim · 26/07/2022 07:43

No he didn't just forget about it despite me trying to breeze over it! I did not make a big thing of it, I tried doing the opposite but he sobbed for a long time after which is why I came on here asking how I could handle it better.

I don't think I've been irrational.

For those of you highly concerned about my welfare it's clear that I need to explain myself. When I said it broke my heart, it didn't. I mean I didn't go to hospital or anything, I'm still alive! Ffs 🙄

OP posts: