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Original poster

My 3 year old got rejected today

190 replies

helpim · 25/07/2022 16:23

I know it's just the start of things but it literally broke my heart to see him so upset.
He plays with next doors children and always asks first if he can go over, they always say yes and he has the best time with them but today when he shouted over they said no. His little face was so heartbroken. He kept saying 'they said no mummy, they said no'

I've explained that sometimes they are busy and can't always play when he wants to (they are older boys) but I'd like to explain it in the best way possible. God rejection isn't nice but I know he's going to face it much worse as he gets older.

How would you explain jt?

OP posts:
Hmm1234 · 26/07/2022 18:47

I would think the parents in that household can’t be very nice. 3 year olds have not long learnt how to speak and nursery certainly wouldn’t teach them to push their peers away

MrsKnows · 26/07/2022 19:03

My daughter’s 19 and I STILL remember the agonies when other little children may have decided it wasn’t ‘her turn’ to play in a game!

It’s not much better now when I hear some of the ‘injustices!’ 😂I feel her pain… even when she doesn’t! 😁🙄🥰

pompei8309 · 26/07/2022 19:08

Why you’re scared? rejection it’s a normal part of life , teach him how to deal with it and relax , nobody died , no need to exaggerate like this

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Behaviour & development Families
Mollymoostoo · 26/07/2022 19:09

helpim · 25/07/2022 16:26

Makes me scared of what's to come. I feel his pain tenfold 😫

Validate his experience with a uug and tell him 'it makes me sad when I can't have what I want, and it's okay to feel sad. We can't always do what we want, sometimes we have to wait for another time'.
If we don't acknowledge that feeling disappointed is normal and okay, children learn to not allow themselves to feel and heal.

Mollymoostoo · 26/07/2022 19:10

Mollymoostoo · 26/07/2022 19:09

Validate his experience with a uug and tell him 'it makes me sad when I can't have what I want, and it's okay to feel sad. We can't always do what we want, sometimes we have to wait for another time'.
If we don't acknowledge that feeling disappointed is normal and okay, children learn to not allow themselves to feel and heal.

Show quote history

Hug

SpeakingMyThoughts · 26/07/2022 19:21

I do feel sad you’ve experienced your sons rejection. Been there with my children and also when I was little. Distraction usually works.

Johnnysgirl · 26/07/2022 19:27

Hmm1234 · 26/07/2022 18:47

I would think the parents in that household can’t be very nice. 3 year olds have not long learnt how to speak and nursery certainly wouldn’t teach them to push their peers away

The other children are not three.
Op's 3 year old was not pushed anywhere, they didn't want him to come into their garden. Again.
Your post is so ridiculous Hmm

C152 · 26/07/2022 19:32

I wrapped it into teaching my DS how to play with other children. When he was 2-3, he used to just stand near other kids he wanted to play with, but not ask if he could join in. So I explained people wouldn't know what he wanted if he didn't say it out loud. I told him to say hello, introduce himself and ask if he could play with them. If they said yes, great, join in. I also told him, if they say no, just say, 'ok, maybe next time' and find someone else to play with or something to do on your own (like go on the swing, for example). It worked for him.

I think managing expectations by explaining both potential outcomes and giving them 1-2 short sentences to say in response to those outcomes is most helpful for that age group. If they don't know what to say/do in response, it seems to upset/embarrass them even more than being told 'no', they can't join in.

There's no need to worry about what's to come for your child. They need to learn that people will say no sometimes and it's helpful for them to know what to do/say when that happens.

Berthatydfil · 26/07/2022 19:48

Events like this are a great way to teach your child mental resilience and a healthy way to cope with disappointments.
Throughout their life as they get older there will be lots of disappointing events and you won’t be able to shield them from it for ever. They won’t always go to the party, win the race on sports day be the star of the school play, get all top grades at school, go to a top Uni, get a first, get their dream career, etc etc etc
I know you feel sad for your child but it’s not doing them any favours to dwell on it. You say “ I know you feel sad but Fred and George are busy to day/going out/playing with other friends etc”. Give them a cuddle and then change the subject.

Soontobe60 · 26/07/2022 19:50

I cant even imagine sending a 3 year old to ask the neighbours if they can play next door! That’s weird.
Perhaps you should invite the neighbours into YOUR house to play.

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 26/07/2022 20:10

You're being a wet lettuce over this, OP.
How is it rejection?!
It's neither heartbreaking nor anything other than a simple interaction.
🤦

LadyPenelope68 · 26/07/2022 20:27

Rejection???
Makes me scared of what's to come???
Some children said they didn’t want to play, totally normal behaviour. Are you always so dramatic or over-react so much?
I think this is one of the most bizarre posts I’ve seen in a long time.

AnchorWHAT · 26/07/2022 20:33

Its so so hard to see your kids disappointed or upset or sad, I hated it and still do even though they are grown ups, silly I know but it still gets me in the guts when something goes wrong for either of them so for you op the first few times is really going to get you. Try and think that it is building resilience for their future disappointments

mamusya · 26/07/2022 20:44

Crikey. Poor OP! It's perfectly natural to feel the pain of a toddler's rejection, especially if you might be sensitive to rejection yourself as a mother/child/partner. I know I was. She asked for help and put her head above the parapet and has been shot down by so many of us. No wonder she's not responding. This is a help and support forum not a shame and blame one.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 26/07/2022 20:47

It's not rejection though. It's a "we are busy now".

Johnnysgirl · 26/07/2022 20:47

mamusya · 26/07/2022 20:44

Crikey. Poor OP! It's perfectly natural to feel the pain of a toddler's rejection, especially if you might be sensitive to rejection yourself as a mother/child/partner. I know I was. She asked for help and put her head above the parapet and has been shot down by so many of us. No wonder she's not responding. This is a help and support forum not a shame and blame one.

Op asked for help and then shot down a poster for trying to do just that 😂
Telling them if they couldn't sympathise understand, they shouldn't have posted...

johnd2 · 26/07/2022 20:53

He's going to learn how to deal with it from you.
Don't close up your feelings, but also don't over egg it.
Just say how disappointing it is and ask how he feels, then take his lead on it. Then move on with him!
Good luck.

Londoncallingme · 26/07/2022 21:13

Wait until he gets his first heartbreak! Oh my gosh the pain! The rage! The incredulity that he/she has rejected your child’s love. It gets worse. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷‍♀️

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 26/07/2022 21:19

We live next door to a three year old. I have a nine, seven and five year old. She comes over most days, uninvited. Just turns up with her mum and asks to play. Most of the time I don’t mind so much because she’s mostly a sweet kid and it’s nice to pass the time chatting to my neighbour as we get on ok.

The younger two don’t mind playing with the 3 year old so much but it’s every single day and she unknowingly hampers the games the older two want to play together because they want to cycle round the neighbourhood (within the boundaries I’ve set for them) but our next door neighbour cries that she can’t go with them. My kids are good kids who feel bad so don’t go, but feel frustrated that their freedom is being hampered by a toddler.

I’ve had to start asking/ telling my neighbour that she needs to explain to her child my older two don’t always want to play with a much younger child. My neighbour is not happy about it and thinks my children are being unfair. I disagree strongly and have started lessening the times my neighbour now comes round with her child. My children want to do other things, different things to what a 3 year old can and should do. There’s nothing wrong with my kids wanting that.

It’s not cool and she’s not doing her child any favours by not letting her experience disappointment and…at a stretch…rejection. It’s understandable a seven year old and a nine year old don’t want to miss out on the first bits of independence and freedoms they’re just beginning to experience.

I realise this is all about me OP, but it’s a perspective from the other side. Surely you can understand why your neighbours don’t always want to play with your toddlers? It’s not outright rejection. And it’s actually good for him to learn to deal with disappointment.

jammiewhammie65 · 26/07/2022 21:24

He should have asked them over to yours. Maybe they think they should have a turn at yours instead of him asking to go to theirs !

madasawethen · 26/07/2022 21:40

C152 · 26/07/2022 19:32

I wrapped it into teaching my DS how to play with other children. When he was 2-3, he used to just stand near other kids he wanted to play with, but not ask if he could join in. So I explained people wouldn't know what he wanted if he didn't say it out loud. I told him to say hello, introduce himself and ask if he could play with them. If they said yes, great, join in. I also told him, if they say no, just say, 'ok, maybe next time' and find someone else to play with or something to do on your own (like go on the swing, for example). It worked for him.

I think managing expectations by explaining both potential outcomes and giving them 1-2 short sentences to say in response to those outcomes is most helpful for that age group. If they don't know what to say/do in response, it seems to upset/embarrass them even more than being told 'no', they can't join in.

There's no need to worry about what's to come for your child. They need to learn that people will say no sometimes and it's helpful for them to know what to do/say when that happens.

This is a great response.

OP it's up to you and your DH to teach your DS social skills, how to handle disappointment, negative emotions, etc.

Parents who don't do these things do their children no favours.

Boys especially need to learn boundaries, empathy and respect for others, dealing with emotions.

amoobaa · 26/07/2022 21:43

pompei8309 · 26/07/2022 19:08

Why you’re scared? rejection it’s a normal part of life , teach him how to deal with it and relax , nobody died , no need to exaggerate like this

OP has feelings, perfectly normal feelings, stop being so dramatic about it.

She said she didn’t make a big deal about it in front of her son but he still got upset (because he is a little human with big feelings) and she came on here to ask for tips… and maybe a bit of moral support from those of us who empathise with our kids and feel affected by their emotions.

OP doesn’t need to wait until someone has DIED before she engages with her son’s feelings.

To those declaring OP is dramatic, sensitive, soft etc etc consider this…

It takes a great deal of strength and resilience to remain gentle and soft in this world.

Just because you don’t have the time, skills or emotional resilience to acknowledge the feelings of a toddler, doesn’t mean they magically don’t have feelings.

It’s entirely possible to move a toddler swiftly on, with confidence, distraction and reassurance… no drama… no over reacting… no exaggeration… no hysterics AND (drum roll)… simultaneously be fully aware of your own feelings of crushing empathy in the context of overwhelming love…. AND be intelligent and strong enough to contain those feelings, whilst supporting your toddler in a sensible manner.

If you have a heart, that is.

Don’t worry OP. An alarming number of people are emotionally constipated these days. Express any kind of emotion and they’ll run down the road screeching hysterically about snowflakes, unable to engage with any kind of vulnerability without getting themselves worked up into a right state.

Your child is lucky to have you.

Stay strong and gentle.

BocolateChiscuits · 26/07/2022 21:47

Slightly different advice to some. I wouldn't distract in this situation, I would let them "go through" their sadness. Give lots of cuddles while they had a cry, and help put the situation into words "you wanted to play with them, but they are busy doing something else right now, you feel sad".

I think it's good to learn how to get through the bad feelings rather than just being distracted from them. Think adults need to learn that trick too, rather than distracting with wine or chocolate or work or whatever.

Plus I'd make sure to model being very respectful of nextdoor's boundaries. Cos I think respecting others' boundaries is part of asserting strong boundaries for yourself, and I want my kids to be confident enough to say "no" themselves.

amoobaa · 26/07/2022 21:52

madasawethen · 26/07/2022 21:40

This is a great response.

OP it's up to you and your DH to teach your DS social skills, how to handle disappointment, negative emotions, etc.

Parents who don't do these things do their children no favours.

Boys especially need to learn boundaries, empathy and respect for others, dealing with emotions.

Show quote history

I agree. This is excellent.

When I said “whilst supporting your toddler in a sensible manner”… this is a perfect example.

JudgeJ · 26/07/2022 21:52

helpim · 25/07/2022 16:26

Makes me scared of what's to come. I feel his pain tenfold 😫

I do think that parents themselves often make too much of their child's disappointment, they look at it from an adult's view rather than a child's. He wasn't 'rejected', the other child was doing something else, there will be times when he doesn't want to play with them. If you make a fuss about it he'll pick up on that, whereas it will be tomorrow's chip wrapping in reality, metaphorically speaking.
Any teacher of young children will tell you that children's spats are usually over long before the mothers have stopped arguing about it!