Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

Only on mumsnet would a father who has their baby three days a week whilst the mother has him one be seen as shit. Come on! Really?!

If there's a deep and clear bond between DGM and DGS I actually don't see what the problem is with the suggestion? It's good for the grandson to continue having a bond with his mother's family even if she's fucked off.

Really? If a single mum had posted that she'd split up with her partner who was not interested in the child but had agreed with the partner's mum that they should have 50/50 custody, I really doubt there would be a pile on telling her she was feckless and a bad parent for not wanting to take it on 100%.

Because this would literally never ever happen. WHich is the whole point. If you can find me even a single instance of a mum requesting to legally sharing parental responsibility with her ex's mum I will eat my hat.

And actually a large number of single mums (and non-single mums for that matter) do heavily rely on grandparents for childcare - often to the tune of large proportions of the week.

Relying on them for voluntary childcare is very different to trying to nail them down to 50% parental responsibility.

This

He might be trying to slough off his responsibilities but I don't see why that's the automatic assumption. because of the court order thing, obviously. He is trying to legally formalise a commitment from the OP to provide what should be voluntary childcare, trying to give her parental responsibility. Because he doesn't want the responsibility of being a single dad. His girlfriend has bailed out so now he feels entitled to her mum stepping into her shoes.

Again, the comparison between him and the mum is false. She is obviously the one in the wrong there. But do single mums get a pass on any and all criticism just because they stuck around? of course they don't. Neither should he. The comparison is between him and single mums, not between single parents and absconding parents.

Granted I can't instantly think of someone who has shared custody with their ex's mum, but amongst my own acquaintances I do know single mums who have shared custody with one of their own parents (or in one case, an aunt). In all the cases it was thought to be sensible and in the best interests of the child (which is the point that seems to have been lost somewhat here).

And a spur of the moment thought is not the same as actually doing something.

She has a bran injury! It’s entirely possible she’s just not capable of being a parent. It’s entirely possible this brain injured, volatile and short tempered young woman would harm her baby.

A proper professional assessment of her ability to parent might not go amiss before giving her a baby to ‘get on with’.

Where is your DD's father?
Isn't he taking on any of this responsibility? Only you??

It wasn't legal custody, but my dad's mum took me every single weekend, so two full days a week for ten years. My gran didn't want to lose me out my life, my dad wasn't in my life at that point and my mum was 20 years old and didn't want to give up her weekend partying. It must've been exhausting for gran working Monday - Friday then having me on weekends.
Not saying it's common, but it's not unheard of either.

Out her life*

She might step up to the mark.

Or if she is suffering from serious PND she might harm herself to her baby or both.

Possibly. It’s also possible that this is a young man who has been let down by every adult in his life, his dysfunctional family and now the mother of his child who has walked out on her child. This may be the knee jerk reaction of a young man who is trying to secure a consistent safe secure adult in his child’s life ( something he appears not to have had for himself) and a consistent support for himself. Another thing he never appears to have had. He may also be trying to prevent the mother being able to have formal custody in the future as he does not trust her with their son. Who knows what’s going on in his head?

This is a young man, facing an onslaught of problems most of us have never had to face, with very few resources ( pretty much OP). I’m definitely giving him the benefit of the doubt of the information so far.

This is a very good point.

OP maybe speak to the father and sit him down and explain he will have to go RP. But as a man I doubt he is even aware of or has access to the information about what support is available.

to start with if he already has the child 3 days to your daughter one - make sure that he is getting the child support payment, work with him to get access to as much support he is legally entitled to do he can get his own place and a safe space for your grandson.don’t go into a formal arrangement with him as it locks you in as a parent and locks out your daughter, especially if this is PND

I am also amazed at the number of posters completely ignoring the fact that the mother has a brain injury.

Because it’s the typical crowd of regardless of what a women does the man must be bad.

I see here a man who wants what’s best and is young, panicking knowing he has to assume full responsibility and doesn’t have his own guiding hand to support him.

yet he’s clearly a waster, a chancer, needs his attitude checking etc according to the Mumsnet masses

I agree he needs comprehensive access to practical advice, benefits, child maintanence from the mother, applying to social housing, single parent support networks, health visitors, family support workers. The lot! Single parent charities might be a good place to start, as well as citizens advice bureau.

Not fair on the baby as it stands, his dad needs to find a job that will accommodate his child's needs. He can claim 'top up' benefits.

There definitely would be.

Just recently there was a woman complaining that the dad to be of her baby had disappeared and was not financially contributing.

The thread was entirely full of people snapping "You chose to have a baby, you have a full time salary, get on with it."

Realistically, if this brain injury is historic, DD is unlikely to get any better. This is not like a mental illness that can be helped by drugs. The damage is done. So yes, I think it's best to work from that position and assume that it's unlikely (but not impossible) that she will ever be able to be a full time mum

Certain medications can help some symptoms such as mood/temper. She would need to see a neuropsychiatrist.

"Lunadreamer · Yesterday 22:37
I would contact Social Services.
I won't lie, I think the attitude of the child's father is shocking. He can't have him full time because he has to work? How does he think all of the other single parents in this world manage? He needs to step up and be a father."

Wow - how about the other parent step up and parent too rather than walking off on holiday/nights out etc. Kick the one that is at least trying - the other parent is totally useless.

And this is one area in society that men do not see, get taken seriously in and have to fight to get their voice heard.

because he has not got a supporting family he needs someone to guide him.

im guessing tbh r whole cannot have child because he has to work isn’t about putting work ahead of child but because he doesn’t know how to get the support he needs to enable work to work around it, and he knows without his job he cannot support a child.

he needs help, not derision

I'm an HCP, @dalmatianmad -

go to your own GP. Tell them you need support to manage your DD and DGC and be honest about what is going on with the mother/child relationship.

That will kick start some support. You don't necessarily need to get her to the GP, the health visitor will come to her.

You sound like a very caring mother and grandmother - but this story would make me as a clinician take action.

Just to be clear your dgs sleeps at your house 3 nights, at his Dads for 3 nights and with his mum just one night? The recent weekend issue she had with the Dad, was it meant to be her one night?

All I can suggest is trying to have a heart to heart with her and make sure she knows all the consequences if she were to lose custody. Try and get her to the GP if you can. Does she work?

Agree with this, and the other comments about the brain injury being very relevant. You really must help your daughter get more help with this. I'm surprised that this wasn't brought up by her team whilst pregnant. Does she still have contact with a brain outreach nurse?
It's clear a lot of posters on this thread don't have a clue about tbi's and how they can affect a person both short and long term.
This will have been hard on her partner as well, often a loved one can have so many personailty changes they just aren't the same person anymore, This isn't anybody's fault though and it's important to remember that.