Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

This with bells on 🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔

my idea is the mum moves out of the marital home and he moved in.

That’s a very good idea actually, I don’t know why this didn’t come up sooner. It makes no sense that the mum is in the house 6 days a week with no baby when the dad has him 3 days and is living with family.

As others have said - mental health issues need to be explored. But if she genuinely is just being a dead beat parent then she needs to vacate the home and pay maintenance, otherwise it’s just a ridiculous set up. She can move in with her mum if need be - mum can still help with childcare by going to dad’s house. Then that also saves the baby being sent from one house to another - at the moment it’s three homes which I think just isn’t acceptable.

I haven't read the full thread but I had similar with my dd it was a much wanted baby on her part but when dd and her partner split they both went off the rails and I ended up having baby living with me full time . I started off with her having baby one night a week and finally after a very long 5 months baby is back full time with my dd . I was very lucky in that my partner was very supportive and I was able to give up work to be at home with baby. I wish you luck in sorting out the situation

Its really hard situation, i am not going to repeat what others have suggested but if i was you i would rather adopt the baby and claim any state help but if you cant do it then speak to both parents what are their ideas for adoption? They need to realise its human they are talking about not a toy , they can just get rid of .
I understand its hard for you but hopefully it will work out in best possible way

I find it fascinating that because she is the mum she must have a mental health disorder, and it couldn't be because she just prefers not being a parent and that's why she doesn't cope. And if it's the dad in same situation, he would he a deadbeat and worst person and couldn't possibly be suffering from any mental health issues.
I'm sorry to hear ur going through this

Agreed. I thought he’s a new dad and was thinking of a way they could make this work. I didn’t jump to a dad trying to get out of it at all.
the op already does the amount of care because they made it work as needed that time to work. So what if he couldn’t do more.what if he then can’t cope and goes downhill. So couldn’t he have been trying to come up with a plan to keep them all safe and looked after.can’t be easy to hear the mother of your child doesn’t want dad.where should he go with that? It’s tough for all. But at leas this way the little one get her routine kept,her family,her safety. And has left mum to get help possibly?

Both sides of this battle of the sexes are off. For an individual to go against societal norms is always hard. Men and women are different, men and women are treated differently all the time. For a man to become a single father in this society is hard, he should be praised just because he is a man doing this. The same goes for the woman. She is abandoning her baby, something that is likened to abomination and monstrosity, society hates her. She should be given sympathy just because she is a woman doing this.

Men and women need not and should not be treated exactly the same, only fairly. And seeing as both of these people are swimming against the tide I think this thread could cut them both some slack. Remember that the reason this is evoking such strong emotions and reactions is because this hardly ever happens, for both sides.

Because it's very clear that there is something going on with the mother, she needs support and MH intervention.

It's far more rare that women abandon their children than men. In cases like this when a woman who previously wanted that child abandons it as a baby, quite often there is an underlying cause. It doesn't just happen apropos of nothing.

People are saying why are some PP not shocked at the mother but are shocked at the father. For me it's because the mother is clearly in need of help, it makes me sad not shocked. The father needs help too but is clearly the more capable of the two parents at the moment.

No the world is not set up for young single fathers, but if they want to do it they can make it work.

A friend of mine had his ex disappear leaving him holding their DD. She went off partying and working while he was left with the baby. I don't know her, I would bet money that she wasn't just some feckless woman who wanted to drink and shag about though, I'd bet money that there were underlying issues there too.

Anyway my friend changed jobs, had help from his parents and started going to mum and baby groups with his DD regularly. He was the only single father there! They actually changed their posters to parent and baby groups when he started going

His life was harder than it could have been, but he did it because he was a responsible father who loved his DD. Think he was about 22-23 at the time give or take a year or two, they were both early 20's though.

Eventually the mum sorted herself out, settled down and now they parented 50/50. DD is now in her 20's and from what I hear is a very switched on and hard working young woman.

It was not an easy road and I'm sure there was a bit of bad feeling along the way, but you'd never know it to talk to him. He is an example of what I consider a very good parent.

whilst the ex b/f has his priority as his son, your priority is to your daughter

if dad wants to go to court etc then so be it - but in my mind your priority is to help your daughter and see if she can get help to establish if something is wrong and what that is etc

Dad needs to step up as a single parent and get child care sorted many single parents work, childminders, au pairs, babysitter etc can be sought and used for care whilst working - he will also be eligible for. universal credit child care help if he earns under £40k

In the short term can you refer to Home Start?

It's exactly what they do best, coming alongside mothers of young children and babies.

They could offer extra support on the day she has him herself. It might just help smooth things along a bit until this is resolved.

@MightbeMaybe What does other men abandoning their babies have to do with this? It’s like all the anger at other men has been taken and instead of being directed at the mother who is doing what they have, which is excused as “different” (it’s not) it’s directed at the father not abandoning his baby. It’s nuts.

And what’s more given he was with DD who has problems and has such a crappy home life there’s a fair chance he actually isn’t totally well adjusted and does need more help than the average man. But instead their is zero sympathy from some (and that is all their capable of for a man) and it’s all transferred to their daughter.

Thisnis about the baby - if the baby has the best chance then his best chance is his father with help from GM - that is why he needs empathy. Hell maybe that doesn’t matter to some. After all it’s a baby boy.

@ivykaty44

You think a man on minimum wage living with his dysfunctional parents can afford au pairs?

It is different.
She has a brain injury and possible PND.
That is very different to a man walking out.

Glad I'm not the only one who read that and thought WTF.

Which is awful BUT ultimately she has to agree to access help and support if she wants to get better and hopefully play a role in her sons life.

the OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to help everyone is an awful situation

@NoMichaelNo

Wish I’d known I could just take a few shifts at McDonalds and get me a couple of Au pairs when I was I had young kids

I was replying to someone who was comparing this situation to that of dads walking out. I was only addressing the fact that it's a different situation and that's why people are approaching it differently.

Because there are thousands of single parents who have no choice to say they can't have their own child full time because they need to work. It's his child if the mother can't have the child then he should take responsibility. If he has to claim benefits then so be it. Just because he is a man doesn't mean he is above all the other single parents who find themselves in this situation

So your solution is that the mother, who appears to be in the middle of some sort of mental health crisis, be forced out of her home?

Even if this weren’t a completely callous suggestion, and Perhaps the father is a decent human being who doesn’t want to do this to her, you can’t actually make someone leave their own home.

it certainly is not the ‘easy’ solution you described it as.

But surely the mother, who may or may not be having a mental crisis, would be better living with her mother?

she is giving up custody - perhaps temporarily, of the baby. Her husband lives with his parents. If he is taking over sole care of the baby it would in the best interest for the baby to stay at home and the dad to move in and assume the caring role while the mother gets the help she needs.

i think you have gotten a little over excited and are throwing insults at me which seems disproportionate under the circumstances😊.

this is just a discussion on solutions - my solutions solves the problem of the dad having nowhere to live if he takes his child full time. Often the marital home is occupied by whoever take caring responsibility for the children.

I honestly think some people on here think the father giving up his job in this situation simply means he willl have to cut down on the cleaner's hours and get in an au pair. It's a Richard curtis designed dream world.

if he gives up work it's unlikely he will get benefits of any sort.

I think you have got a little excited in perceiving insults. I never insulted you. I gave my opinion, that I maintain, that your ‘suggestion’ is callous and u workable. That’s a critique of your opinion.

The mother cannot be forced out of her home, regardless of how perfect a solution you believe this to be.

And being as she is enjoying partying and shagging, It seems unlikely she will agree with you that moving back in with her mum is the best thing for her.

Why does he have to give up his job? Only one day of childcare is required. He already does three, his mother in law does three and the babies mother does one.

it won’t be easy, being a single parent never is, but he should ensure his ex pays child support and look into what financial assistance he is entitled to to help with the one day of childcare.

Why is the parent who has the baby a grand total of one night still living in the family home? She is effectively depriving her own child of a roof over his head. If it was the dad still living in the family home refusing to care for their baby and the mother forced to move back in with her disinterested and chaotic parents MN would be behind the Mum 100% She has 6 days a week to squeeze in getting help for her PND and brain injury, if she is denial and won’t look for help she will just have to live with the consequences of her appalling decision, just like everyone else in her life is having to.

This thread is not helpful to the OP .
She needs advice about how to handle it not an argument about how each sex is perceived.
OP I would advise health visitor and ask for a referral to Home Start. Also citizens advice will help with any benefits you or the dad are entitled to. Also I would get a GP appt for you DD if she will go. If she won't, then you can call mental health services in your area to see what they suggest