Dd has rejected her Baby

[dalmatianmad]

Really need some help and advice please!

My Dd gave birth to my beautiful dgs 9 months ago. Unfortunately the relationship with her dh broke down soon after. He has moved out but he has dgs weekly. He's always been a good dad. Very involved, ds is his priority.
Dd is very volatile.

Dd went back to work when dgs was 8 weeks old. I care for him for 3 days every week, I've changed my shift pattern to look after him, I work full time as a Nurse.

Dd barely has dgs. She finds every excuse possible for me or her ex to have him. She's just been away on Holiday for 1 week on her own, ex and myself have shared the childcare.

She's finally admitted she's struggling. Doesn't want to be a Mum anymore, states she doesn't enjoy any of it, states "this isn't what I signed up for".
Has kicked off at me because I've said I can't have him this weekend (I'm at work).
She's been crying on the phone to her ex tonight saying she doesn't want her ds.

Ex has rang me, wants us to meet tomorrow. Has suggested I apply for a court order and we have dgs 50/50. He says he can't have him full time because he needs to work and his boss won't be accommodating enough.

What the fuck do I do?

I'm heartbroken that she doesn't want him. He's the most settled/happy baby.
I would happily have him but is this the right thing?

Please no negative comments or judgements. I need advice.

First and foremost should be your grandchild’s safety. He really shouldn’t be with your DD at all if she is short tempered, volatile and disinterested in his care, PND or brain injury or not. How many horrible news stories have we read on here recently to not ring alarm bells? He is unsafe and that should be yours and his father’s priority. Reading this makes me feel incredibly sad and worried for that poor little baby.

Bloody hell! Some posters on here have no critical thinking skills! Seriously people!!!

The DD has a BRAIN INJURY that is almost certainly affecting her behaviour right now. Do a little basic research on how brain injuries can affect people! Everyone with a brain injury is affected somehow and that's usually permanent. Add changing hormones and a break up into the mix and it's no wonder the DD is struggling.
Rather than criticising her - perhaps have a research into what she's dealing with and how disabling brain injuries can be.

The Ex SIL was suggesting 50:50 very soon after he was told the DD didn't want her son anymore. He's probably panicking. Probably doesn't know how the custody situation works and is bloody overwhelmed. It sounds like he has unsupportive parents who probably don't want a baby living with them and he doesn't know what to do. And that's ok he will figure it out.

Your daughter has had a traumatic brain injury which you know is causing her problems, she may have post natal depression and she is definitely emotionally struggling with her partner leaving her just after her baby was born.

Your daughters ex left the daughter at a vulnerable time, seems to be doing nothing to support her mental and emotional health (if you get a woman pregnant you should be prepared for the impacts of that, not just expect to get a baby delivered like an amazon delivery) and he now expects another woman (you) to pick up half the parenting.

Yet you are criticizing your daughter and defending her ex.

Your daughter needs medical intervention and support. Your daughters ex needs to step up and be a parent. You need to be supporting her not him, if you choose to be supporting someone (and you don't have to at all)

That's proper black and white thinking.

We don't know why they split up for starters.

GC is the important one here and that’s who you both should be thinking of, yes support your daughter and help her get help and ensure she has the time and space to do it but at the end of the day she is a grown arse women who can take responsibility go herself, GC doesn’t have that luxury, he is ENTIRELY dependent on others giving an actual shit about him so please make sure that one day she has him is 0 days from now on. There you go DD, plenty of time and space and support to sort your head out.

Could you look after you DGS with your daughter present in her house? So it's her environment and usual day with baby but with support and she's not on her own. That way it's not so off/on and she doesn't live half her life as if she doesn't have a baby to look after, as the contrast might be making things harder.
The her one day may not seem so overwhelming.
I think if that's still too much 'mothering' for her then there is a serious issue.
Whether it's temporary or a reflection of a true and permanent rejection I can't guess as an online stranger.
Just put baby and their need for secure attachment ahead of everyone else. The adults will have to face the consequences, the baby won't get his early experiences again.
IMO Dad should have full responsibility with help from loving grandparent such as yourself. Not a split between you two.

I think the dad is panicking and not sure what to do, hence contacting the only person he can trust to give him support and guidance. I think OP you should talk to him about being the RP and support him to do so the best that you can, as he seems to have no other person to talk to and let's be honest, most of the help available is targeted at the mothers, so it is quite possible that he has absolutely no idea where to go for help.
Also I'd just like to point out that although brain injuries can obviously vary from person to person, not all of us who have them are unable to cope with our children. Some of us even manage to raise them by ourselves.

Are you at all concerned that she may become so desperate that she may hurt him?

I find the ops defending the ex and blaming her daughter quite black and white actually.

And I also find it disgusting that men think its okay to walk away from women who have had their baby with no concern for their mental and emotional health. I feel the same about surrogacy.

I'm not saying he should stay with her, I am saying that the moment she decides she can't cope immediately trying to make legal decisions about custody is pretty fucking bleak.

At least do some encouraging to see a medical professional. Or give it some time to see if she gets past the issue. But legally cutting the child's parent out when she is quite possible suffering from post natal depression is cold. And not in the child's best interests either.

The woman only has the baby one day a week, they’re clearly something extremely worrying if she can’t even cope with that!

I feel for you OP, you’re working fulltime and having your grandchild three days a week, you must be exhausted and very worried. Definitely get her help and advice re her head injustice and try not to panic. Hopefully things will get better for you all.

I actually think the 50/50 between the father and you could be a good thing, if you share parental responsibility with the father then he can’t disappear with your dgs, it means you will get a equal say in how he is raised and your dd can still have contact. Maybe she does have depression, maybe she’s just not cut out for parenting, maybe she’s just having a short term wobble about being a single parent and having no social life? Going it alone is bloody hard and not something she imagined doing when she got pregnant.

Your Daughter is astoundingly lucky to have such mammoth support!

Is she very young?
Sounds like a teenaged mother, but If their son is in any way at risk of harm from emotional neglect , I’d let her husband have full care.
He at least sounds responsible?

Poor baby to be so “ Unwanted “ by his own mother.
He will sense her ambivalence, too.

Well said. If you have sons, consider them in this situation at that age.

EXACTLY. That was my first thought and fear 😟
@SinisterBumFacedCat said the same.

Hear Hear.

. If you have sons, consider them in this situation at that age.

he got married, moved in with his wife and had a baby. They are not children.

his first reaction was to get a court order so he wouldn’t be fully responsible for the baby. That is really odd - even in the fog of war!

I understand he would have been working through the practicalities. But going to court was the first thing he though of?

not can she move out of the house and I move in so I can live with my child? Not can you still do they three days childcare? What will I do about the one day that the mum used to cover - can I afford child care?

I get that he panicked - but it’s an usual first place to go.

and I personally reacted to OP’s acceptance of this - and others. He is a great dad - but he has to work so how could be possibly be a resident parent. He is a grown man. He has six days a week covered between himself and OP. Yes he has to arrange a place to live if his parents are dangerous (rather than just disinterested) and one days childcare

easy solution is he moved back into the marital home. But it seems like he doesn’t want the baby 7 nights a week.

maybe she’s just having a short term wobble about being a single parent and having no social life?

but she's not going to have no social life...her mum and her ex are looking after the child the majority of the time. She only needs to look after the baby one day a week and even that is too much. Hardly going it alone is it?!

I think DS should be with dad full time. Dad can apply for benefits as a single parent. Then you agree with dad that you'll carry on the arrangement of helping 3 days a week. No reason for you to legally have 50/50, that will just stop ex's access to financial support.

Daughter sorts herself out with GP, gets a job and contributes financially.

I understand he would have been working through the practicalities. But going to court was the first thing he though of

How else do you ensure a parent who’s not able to/who doesn’t want to parent a child doesn’t cause havoc in their life by coming and going and changing their mind every few months?

@Mellowyellow222

It wasn’t his first reaction. They broke up and we don’t know why, could well be something to do with her volatility. He and GM have been caring for the baby for a while - DD has been out partying and holidaying while this is going on. All that time there was no talk of taking custody from her. The custody talk started when she came back from partying and seeing other men to say definitively she didn’t want to look after her baby.

He likely isn’t aware of what financial assistance he could get - he also may have thought it a good thing GM was involved in GD life and yes, like many young people who have a baby when they really shouldn’t, he probably wants her to take some of the burden. He also sounds like he has a shitty home life and is turning to the only responsible adult he knows who could possibly help.

All the time on here there is some post complaining about lack of services or help for single parents and how they get stuck out of the job market and unemployed. He has a way to possibly avoid this and keep his son if Gm is willing which is what he asked. But I guess when we show concern for single parents we really just mean single mothers.

Your idea is he move back into the home with DD who is angry at him, at her own baby and is out partying and seeing random dudes? Yeah what could go wrong.

The barely disguised hatred and very apparent total lack of empathy for men as compared to complete empathy for women that comes out from some posters on posts like these disgusts me.
How can we ever except equality if this is the spiteful and uncaring attitude some women have to men - especially when it contrasts so starkly with the total empathy they have for women.

Its almost comedic because they are actually blind to it and delude themselves that they’re doing something good, when actually they’re just thinking with their own bias. I say almost comedic - but actually it’s more just sad.

@NanaNelly i appreciate that the Dad is probably trying to work out what is best for his son and probably thought 50/50 custody with the OP is a possible solution, but the problem is that this allows the parents to never take full responsibility for their child and they really do need to sort this out between them as adults. If the OP doesn’t insist they engage with outside support (GP, HV, etc.) and stop relying so much on her, this will go on indefinitely.

I’m in my 40’s and know a few people IRL who have relied heavily on GP’s to raise their children/sort out life’s challenges for them, and it never stops. They still expect their now-elderly parents to support their teenagers/young adults and it’s exhausting for the GP’s.

The OP must refer the parents to outside resources and let them sort it out as adults. She can still provide background support.

Agreed!

She. Has. A. Brain. Injury.

Your idea is he move back into the home with DD who is angry at him, at her own baby and is out partying and seeing random dudes? Yeah what could go wrong.

my idea is the mum moves out of the marital home and he moved in.

people are talking about him as if he is 17. He is a married man in his twenties who has a full time job.

i appreciate we infantilise the younger generation - but a married adult in their twenties who can make decisions to get married, have children, and hold down full time employment should be able to work out how to parent their child.

they have a marital home. For whatever reason he left and his wife stayed with the baby. She works too and was clearly not a good parent.

ot seems more logical that he lives in the marital home alone with the baby, asks OP to still help out eight day care for a few days a week and he figures the rest out.

he is very lucky to have three free days childcare a week. I don’t see OP removing that. So he is more supported than a lot of single parents.