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Original poster

Would you be happy with my life?

194 replies

ChinBristles · 16/07/2022 21:32

I'm nearly 40. Female.

Had a few relationships but single. Never married.

Never had children, never really thought it was the right thing for me.

I used to work a lot of hours in a job I hated but recently took a step back/sideways. I enjoy my job now and it's just 9-5. WFH.

I have had issues with my weight/alcohol but they're under control now.

I have a cat. Am close with my parents/extended family. A few friends.

I'm relatively comfortable financially and no health worries. I live in a small city so plenty on my doorstep.

I go to church and do some voluntary work. I mostly watch Netflix otherwise!

Would you be happy with this? Or think there was something glaring missing? Interested to see responses before I tell you how I'm feeling. I know all that matters is whether I'm happy or not...not what others thing, but I'm interested...

Thanks!

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 18/07/2022 17:52

Probably not OP. I don't have a partner either but I have quite a lot of friends and two DC (though it's a source of regret I'm only close to one).

I note the Stephen Covey - I'm more familiar with the 5 features of well-being:

Connect
Take notice
Stay active
Keep learning
Give

OldFan · 19/07/2022 17:55

I don't think advising someone to settle for a guy they're not overly into is good.

Opening up to someone who doesn't have similar religious beliefs to me would probably not work because they wouldn't be happy with the no sex before marriage bit.

But I'm imagining OP as more liberal than me on that (most people are.)

Original poster

ChinBristles · 19/07/2022 18:07

@OldFan I'm not so much liberal as just someone who hasn't always resisted temptation! In an ideal world I would have got married to Mr Perfect at age 21 in my virginal dress.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChinBristles · 19/07/2022 18:09

And no, I won't settle. Because what if Mr Right then DID come along...?
I just can't live a lie. I have to think I'm the luckiest girl in the world and them to think the same about me.

I like what a pp said about "keep looking and don't stop til you find him".

OP posts:

OldFan · 19/07/2022 18:16

I'm not so much liberal as just someone who hasn't always resisted temptation! In an ideal world I would have got married to Mr Perfect at age 21 in my virginal dress.

I've got into Christianity fully at 45, after a very different lifestyle. There's always time to start over. If we slip then we just get back on the wagon. Having failed to resist temptation doesn't mean you have to stay that way of course.

Original poster

ChinBristles · 19/07/2022 18:30

@OldFan you are quite right, thank you!

OP posts:

diamondpony80 · 20/07/2022 07:48

There are some days I think I'd LOVE the kind of life you've described (just going by the OP as I haven't read the full thread). I feel like I never get a moment's peace, particularly now that the kids are home for the summer!

However, I couldn't live without them either, now that I have them. I think maybe if I hadn't got married and had kids my life could potentially have been like yours. I'd be happy enough I guess, but I did always want to have a family so personally I might have felt like I was missing out.

Do you have goals or anything you're working towards in the future?

goldfinchonthelawn · 20/07/2022 15:54

OldFan · 19/07/2022 17:55

I don't think advising someone to settle for a guy they're not overly into is good.

Opening up to someone who doesn't have similar religious beliefs to me would probably not work because they wouldn't be happy with the no sex before marriage bit.

But I'm imagining OP as more liberal than me on that (most people are.)

But it can happen. I have a born again Christian male friend who refused to sleep with his atheist girlfriend until they married. Then when they divorced decades later, he refused to sleep with his new girlfriend until they got married too, so they married very quickly and it worked out well. Not sure how two consecutive wives fits into born-again Christianity but everyone is happy including ex-wife who is still a close friend.

MissMaple82 · 20/07/2022 16:21

It sounds like a perfect life

Original poster

ChinBristles · 20/07/2022 16:24

@goldfinchonthelawn thanks for sharing. I'm not sure where "marrying an athiest" fits with being a "born again Christian" either! The advice in the Bible is "do not be yoked to an unbeliever".

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 20/07/2022 16:31

ChinBristles · 20/07/2022 16:24

@goldfinchonthelawn thanks for sharing. I'm not sure where "marrying an athiest" fits with being a "born again Christian" either! The advice in the Bible is "do not be yoked to an unbeliever".

Well you live in a country where most people are Christian, but not extremely practising, so to maximise your chances it would make sense to be open to less strict Christians, agnostics, atheists and people of other faiths.
Obviously it's up to you how choosy you want to be and how much you want to meet someone...

Original poster

ChinBristles · 20/07/2022 16:37

@Gwenhwyfar absolutely. I've dated both Christians and non-Christians.

Regardless of religion, it really is a question of how choosy one ought to be! Would I rather be alone or with someone I didn't fancy?

Would I rather be alone or with someone who already had kids?

I change my mind on these points!

OP posts:

goldfinchonthelawn · 20/07/2022 17:58

ChinBristles · 20/07/2022 16:24

@goldfinchonthelawn thanks for sharing. I'm not sure where "marrying an athiest" fits with being a "born again Christian" either! The advice in the Bible is "do not be yoked to an unbeliever".

Too late. I converted to Christianity after we got married!

Original poster

ChinBristles · 20/07/2022 18:14

@goldfinchonthelawn same with my mum and dad! Mum wasn't a believer until after she was already married and had kids. Dad has resisted conversion so far!

OP posts:

goldfinchonthelawn · 20/07/2022 18:22

It's fine, honestly. I wouldn't recommend settling down with someone who is scornful of your religion, but someone who is respectful and interested, or of another faith - why not?

CounsellorTroi · 21/07/2022 09:37

It seems to me the prospect of your next birthday ending in a zero is looming large and weighing on your mind. 40 is made out to be such a landmark age, especially for women. That cut-off point when all is lost if you want to have a husband and children and you haven't 'achieved' it by then. The tyranny of the (body) calendar.

And yet there is a saying "life begins at 40", stemming from the Vestal Virgins of ancient Rome who were priestesses until they were 40 and then released from their vows and free to do and be what they liked. I am married, but 40 was the age my fertility journey came to an end and I realised I had to stop keeping that space in my mind and my life for a child who was not going to come and start living for me.

And by the way those sayings "all good things come to those who wait" and "seek and you shall find" are of limited use to those struggling with infertility.

Beafortea · 21/07/2022 13:44

Being an introvert is a problem isn't it! I think being an introvert and getting comfortable on our own is easier than ever now.

Being at a workplace isnt necessarily the answer. I've recently started a new job at a huge organisation in my mid 30s (was at my last workplace for 5+ years) and it's been a very different experience to starting a job in my 20s.

Nobody invites me for drinks or shows any social interest in me whatsoever really - everyone assumes I'm married with kids and therefore somehow this rules me out of all that stuff?! But all the staff in their 20s go out for drinks with the 20s clique every Thursday. They all make plans outside of work and many seem to be dating each other/sleeping with each other. Most colleagues over 32/33 have a long term partner or are married, and often have young kids. They also tend to work remotely more often, and seem less invested in making friends at work. They want to get in, do their job, and get home.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2022 14:48

"I rather be alone or with someone I didn't fancy?
Would I rather be alone or with someone who already had kids?"

Well, I think the first one is absolutely necessary. You have to fancy the person at least a bit.
With the second, MN shows that being a stepparent can be crap, but again after a certain age excluding fathers would minimise your chances...

GreatGardenstuff · 23/07/2022 15:11

I think I’d be happy with that life on paper, but in reality, I thrive on a bit of drama from time to time. So instead of being content I’d probably move jobs, or location or have an inappropriate romantic liaison or something to stir it up.

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