Would you be happy with my life?

[ChinBristles]

I'm nearly 40. Female.

Had a few relationships but single. Never married.

Never had children, never really thought it was the right thing for me.

I used to work a lot of hours in a job I hated but recently took a step back/sideways. I enjoy my job now and it's just 9-5. WFH.

I have had issues with my weight/alcohol but they're under control now.

I have a cat. Am close with my parents/extended family. A few friends.

I'm relatively comfortable financially and no health worries. I live in a small city so plenty on my doorstep.

I go to church and do some voluntary work. I mostly watch Netflix otherwise!

Would you be happy with this? Or think there was something glaring missing? Interested to see responses before I tell you how I'm feeling. I know all that matters is whether I'm happy or not...not what others thing, but I'm interested...

Thanks!

On the face of it it seems to be a nice undemanding sort of life .However I think maybe a RL on a deeper note may be what you are looking for? I always think no one " has it all " TBH.If you were married with DC you "lose" a bit of yourself (Even with a nice partner).

One think I thought was the idea that "it is in gods hands" can be fatalistic.

A big part of Christianity is what I call "turning towards" rather than "turning away".

Turn towards life and life giving things.

Seek and ye shall find.

Ask, and it shall be given unto you.

Knock and the door will open to you.

We have to ask, seek, knock - and always strive to turn towards choosing life and resist the powerful urge to fall back into fatalism and passivity.

I know you have been dating and trying and I don't take that away from you.

But I wonder if there is some part of you, perhaps that you don't even know about, that cuts off your life drive, your drive to connect with someone and make a partnership with him. Perhaps no one is good enough, nothing is ever quite right.

Granted it sounds like you have met some awful men and I don't take away from that. But query of something else is going on too.

Making a partnership isn't really about falling in love so much as a good enough compromise on our own narcissistic needs to have everything just so ...

I might be way off the mark.

But my sister is like this. Never dated - no man is ever good enough and the risk of rejection or disappointment always too much to bear. So she protects herself - but it comes at great cost to her own life. She has never had a relationship and will probably never have children.

Psychoanalytic psychotherapy is a very good way of thinking about these problems and learning how to really be able to take in the good in a relationship without destroying it for not being perfect.

@ChinBristles

glad you are feeling better today.
I’m 57 so a good bit older than you. Your life is not dissimilar to mine, minus the church.
But as you describe it, your life does sound a bit dull and passionless, like you are filling time waiting for Mr Right.

Despite what many people think, it is possible to have a fufilled and happy life as a single person. But I believe that to be able to do so, you need to be happy with yourself.
I am not actively looking for a partner and haven’t done so for a long time. Maybe someone will turn up, maybe they won’t, but in the meantime I’m not hanging around. My life is full to bursting with things that I am passionate about.

I do have a teenage son who I adopted when I was 46, as for me what was really missing in my life was a child. He has led me to my true passion. I volunteer on several things related to child welfare and adoption, and supporting other adopters. I am training to be a foster carer and will be giving up my job soon to foster full time.
I appreciate that sounds a bit worthy - but there are other things - music, theatre for starters. I love my holidays and weekends away - the planning and anticipation. My allotment is my happy place, I can’t tell you how much I love my new shed 😂I’ve loved creating something productive from an overgrown weedfilled scrap of land. I love it when the robins follow me round looking for worms and when the fox shows up. I’m still trying to outwit the squirrels who nick my hazelnuts. I love skip surfing to recycle things for the plot - my son thinks I’m mad when I drag him off to random skips to extract paving slabs of whatever.
I’m not suggesting adoption and allotments are the path to fufillment for everyone, just that it is possible to find passion and fufillment as a single person.

What is, or could be, your passion?

No I wouldn't. My life is all about family, kids, husband... But I'm not you. We're all different and different things make us happy. It just matters what makes you happy.

The question is are you happy?
Everybody wants different things out of life what makes one peesonbhsppt and contented won't work for another person .

Well, when I read the title I assumed you were going to say you had three kids and a useless arsehole of a husband who sat on his fat arse and watched you run ragged… so now I’ve read your post I’m going to say I’ve heard plenty worse! The only negative I’d say is that you sound as though you have plenty to be contented and comfortable with, but maybe not much excitement, and that if you put in place more to look forward to in the future, you might feel more inspired. So perhaps think about some goals- things you want to learn, places you want to visit- to give you more of a sense of achievement?

I think it sounds nice. I thought the important part was that you say you are close to your family and have some friends. Also, having a manageable sized job sounds good.

Happily married now, but I’m 48 and wouldn’t have any problems meeting guys at work. There are loads of divorcees in my office 🤷🏻‍♀️

@DangerouslyBored and that helps the Op how?

A PP suggested that OP might meet someone at/through work, then someone else said if you're over 40 your chances of meeting single men through work can be pretty low.

So @DangerouslyBored was just countering that statement with her own experience, and reinforcing the initial advice.

@HaveringWavering

the op works from home.

My office isnt awash with divorcees or single men over 35 either.

Thanks @HaveringWavering

😊

I was responding to another poster’s comment, that’s what we do on MN, we engage with one another, do keep up dear 🙄

@DangerouslyBored

there is no need to be patronising

stating that someone MIGHT meet someone at work is not advice
stating that you are happily married and would have no problem meeting men at work is not helpful to someone struggling

It's ok guys, don't worry. It's a good point that the workplace is a good place to meet people. I do go to work social functions and the like. But I do enjoy not having to listen to other people eat apples right in my ear!

"It's a good point that the workplace is a good place to meet people."

I'm really not sure it is once you're past your twenties. What are your chances of meeting a suitable single man your age at work? Once you're over a certain age you need to be at places where there are lots of single people.

"I’m 48 and wouldn’t have any problems meeting guys at work. There are loads of divorcees in my office 🤷🏻‍♀️"

OP is 39 though so not quite at the age where the men she'd be looking for are divorced.

"My office isnt awash with divorcees or single men over 35 either."

I don't think there are any single, straight males in their forties or early 50s where I work.

Huh? People can get divorced at any age. Also, wouldn’t she potentially get together with someone a bit older? She has said she’s not interested in having kids. My close friend was single/in bad relationships until she was about 43, then met and married a widower in his fifties. They are very happy.

@Gwenhwyfar well if she is financially okay she can perhaps try changing jobs or taking up new hobbies. I can’t think of a worse place to be than working from home if you want to meet someone. Even the whole routine getting ready to get to work or actually just being out an about more can help put you in the right frame of mind and increase opportunities. Drinks after work etc she lives in the city after all. The OP is missing excitement. A new job can be a new challenge also.
I suggested she did things to make her feel good, working on my appearance is what helped me and that was gaining some weight, going to the gym (good place to meet men, classes like yoga for mental health etc) I wasn’t implying plastic surgery! Some nice clothes even. A new car if you are single and can afford it can be a way to treat yourself, helps with confidence and a way to reward yourself. It doesn’t have to be a car, whatever works for you. The OP seemed like an introvert to me and being still young and in a favourable financial position she needs to get out more imo. Travelling also was assuming she can afford it based on the initial post not just to meet someone but it helps many with their mindset, outlook on life, even spiritually, making new friends to combat loneliness. A partner may arise out of a mutual friend etc.
Just random suggestions but nothing is going to happen magically stuck at home is the advice that worked for me. If you have time and money you can be more proactive and take a few risks.

Good luck OP.

I agree with all you've said apart from nowhere worse to be than WFH when you want to meet someone. You can still go out and do things and meet people, not everyone meets at work or during times they're out for work. You can go outside to do other things.

Were you 40+ when you met, though? Was it a global pandemic?

Last time I was single, meeting men was really easy. I was in my early thirties, there were loads of eligible single men my age, loads of social stuff on, and you didn't run the risk of getting sick by socialising. I could go out and come back with several numbers on my phone of men who were interested in having a drink with me.

It's just not the same now. It's a really, really hard time to be dating. The pandemic has meant a lot of hobby groups closed down and still aren't back, people are going out much less, many people are WFH, so meeting at work isn't really an option anymore. I don't think it's fair to compare how it was for you at a younger age and a much better time.

I think that poster is right, though.

When I worked in the office, I was always in central London anyway and it was no extra hassle to hang around after work and go to meetups or hobby groups or climbing. Now, I have to make a special effort to go to those things. It's nearly an hour each way, £5-6 in transport costs. That's far harder than just popping along somewhere after work. There's also now no opportunity to network with colleagues after work if WFH. I met my previous partner in a pub, through work friends. We were having a drink after work and they invited him along as they thought we'd get on. That kind of thing is pretty much impossible now.

WFH is incredibly isolating and makes it even harder to build interpersonal relationships. It's so easy now to end up staying at home most of the time.

I think your life sounds lovely tbh. A relationship isn’t the be all and end all, my husband vastly improved my life yes, but I was still happy before then. The relationship did however give me confidence and self-respect that I lacked after years of being treated badly by “friends” and other men.

My view is that in everyone’s life something has got to give to a certain extent. The happiest people are the ones who are content with what they have and you sound like one of them.

Well, it's a numbers game so I guess if I worked in a big office with lots of people - staff, clients, visitors, etc, that would be better than WFH in terms of meeting someone. But it has taken me a long time to find a job I'm as happy in as this so I won't be giving it up!

I do agree that I need to get out more. It is indeed hard when you are an introvert!

I'm really grateful for all your thoughts, advice and well wishes!