Would you be happy with my life?

[ChinBristles]

I'm nearly 40. Female.

Had a few relationships but single. Never married.

Never had children, never really thought it was the right thing for me.

I used to work a lot of hours in a job I hated but recently took a step back/sideways. I enjoy my job now and it's just 9-5. WFH.

I have had issues with my weight/alcohol but they're under control now.

I have a cat. Am close with my parents/extended family. A few friends.

I'm relatively comfortable financially and no health worries. I live in a small city so plenty on my doorstep.

I go to church and do some voluntary work. I mostly watch Netflix otherwise!

Would you be happy with this? Or think there was something glaring missing? Interested to see responses before I tell you how I'm feeling. I know all that matters is whether I'm happy or not...not what others thing, but I'm interested...

Thanks!

@LibraLibra interesting that you say that. I actually suspected the opposite! That I am far too focussed on sex and that that is a disproportionately important part of my rships. In fact, I've been thinking it would be far easier to take a pill and have that part of me disappear!

Everyone is different and wsntd different things. Some folk want a career others want to be an SAHM for years. You've got to decide if its the lifestyle you want or not. I would rather have a partner. But I dont enjoy cooking cleaning and childcare so I wouldnt want a life revolved round that. I wouldn't particularly want a high flying job that took all my time and energy.

Its important you enjoy your job so you are lucky that you do.

I'd love your life.

I think your life sounds lovely.

I have 5DC, I'm married and I have 1GS and I love them all dearly but if my life had taken a different turn then I think I'd have been happy to have your kind of life.

@ChinBristles get off the Christian dating sites and join generic ones like Hinge, Bumble, Match etc. You're never going to meet a decent bloke on a Christian dating site, trust me. I could go into more details but I don't want to derail the thread!

I get that your faith is important to you and I respect that but the reality is that you don't have to share your faith with your partner - and there are plenty of blokes out there who might not be church going Christians but who will have some form of belief in God and will support you in your choice to attend church etc. Being more flexible about this is essential if you're going to meet someone. I know the church will teach you that you need to be with someone who shares your faith etc but once you break out of that way of thinking and are more open to meeting people who don't share exactly the same beliefs as you, the playing field opens up massively.

Don't feel bad. It's perfectly normal to long for what you don't have. However, you need to listen to that longing and do something about it. The worst element of Christianity for me is the teaching of learned helplessness - encouraging people to 'wait on God' for things means that they don't take any active steps to make the changes they're seeking for themselves. I don't believe in God now but even when I did I was always a proponent of God helps those who help themselves. Stop waiting for a miracle and get out there and make it happen. If this is what you want, go out there and get it!

Is it what i want? No
Does it sound boring to me? Yes
Does it sound fulfilling to me? No
Does what i think matter? No

@EnidSpyton thanks. I actually have tried those apps in what some would call my "weaker" moments. Met one guy on Bumble who absolutely broke my heart last year.

Perhaps you have been looking in the wrong place.

I would argue that you could control this in a way, by being more proactive. The life you describe doesn't get you out and about much, coming into contact with potential partners. If I was single and wanted to meet someone, I'd go on a singles adventure holiday a couple of times a year, I'd join about three different activities a week where I might meet a partner. You don't say if you are loooking for a woman or a man. If I was looking for a man, I'd make sure my hobbies weren't just yoga and crocheting or book club as these tend to be female dominated. I'd add something I genuinely loved, like martial arts or hiking, which also appeals to men. If I was looking for a woman, I'd join a few local LGB groups too.

If you think you are happy then you are - life's too short to worry too much. Enjoy as much as you can and share happiness and kindness with those that cross your path and don’t borrow worry from tomorrow and never forget there are people happier and poorer than you.

Yes, it is a man who I'm looking for.

I would be lonely but I’m quite easily lonely. Some people would be very happy. It really only matters how you feel.

I’m a Christian too and I do know people who met on Christian dating sites but they did persistently keep going on dates and met and ruled people out quite quickly. Definitely an emotional process.
I think for many Christians it just is important to have someone who share your faith. The other option is to move to a church with more men! I genuinely have friends who have done this and it’s worked 😂

@ChinBristles sorry you got your heart broken. I know it's tough. But it's all part of the journey to getting where you want to be. Just because that guy didn't work out, doesn't mean others won't. Just because he was on a non Christian dating app, doesn't mean all men on non Christian dating apps will break your heart.

Dating involves risk. Having a relationship also involves risk and compromise. At your age, the chances of meeting a nice Christian man without a thorny past is slim to zero - all the half decent ones are married off by 21, especially if they don't believe in sex before marriage. Anyone who isn't is going to either be divorced with kids or have something seriously wrong with them. That's just the reality. You know I speak the truth on this! (For anyone reading this who hasn't been involved in church - I'm not being a bitch, this is just how it is. The number of Christian women far outnumbers Christian men so a single Christian man in his thirties/forties is as rare as hen's teeth and he's normally single for a VERY good reason!)

So you have to branch out and meet people outside of the Christian community and be prepared to compromise on that element of what you're looking for if you're going to have a decent chance of finding someone. Non Christian men are just as capable of being kind, sensitive, caring and loving as Christian men. Not sharing your faith doesn't mean a man won't share your values.

I think you need to dust yourself off, get back on the apps, and go out there with an open mind. Think of it as an adventure. I love dating. Even the shit ones are great because those ones provide the best war stories to tell on my next girls night out!

The only thing that for me missing from your life as you have described it would be a child though if that was still on the cards it would be fine. Oh and I don't want to look after a cat. And I hate movies. But if I had a child in your scenario, I'd be happy with that.

If you lack a purpose then I can relate to that as I am single also never married but older than you. I never wanted children as I had to nanny younger siblings throughout my youth. I embroiled myself in a charitable religious organisation for a couple of decades which was helpful for my self development and helped me think about others to stop self obsession setting in. But I felt a need to discover myself outside of this organisation and quickly saw ''friends'' disappear as if you are no longer in the organisation you are seen as ''anti''. I have a busy job but worry how bored I will be when I retire, I see myself working forever as I find it heard to relax. I need to feel like I'm needed and making a contribution and creating value. Good luck to you.

If I didn't have my kids yes I'd be happy with your life.

I have 2 kids and a part time job fitted around them and spend any time I get (when they're asleep etc) reading or watching netflix. I don't strive for an exciting life, imo there's nothing wrong with contentment!

I have no idea whether I would be happy living your life because I'm not you. While friends, work, family, and being financially comfortable are all key ingredients for a happy life, the meaning and fulfillment I find in life is enhanced immeasurably by my husband and our daughter.

You say it's a man you're looking for. So was I, and I actively looked for the right one and didn't stop until I found him, rather than expecting things to fall into place. 'You'll meet the right one when you're not looking' never rang true for me.

The only thing that would be missing for me is reading, and lots of it. Plus I'd have a dog instead of a cat.

@EnidSpyton Thanks. You have it spot-on. All the good ones in church are married by 21. But that seems to be sort of true for non-Christian men too. At least they are in rships and married by early 30s if they are decent. Some exceptions, obviously.

I wonder if those who waited for marriage wake up the day after and go "oh shit"!

@Froodledo actually I do read quite a bit, perhaps I should have mentioned that. And generally go down youtube wormholes and that sort of thing. I'm interested in quite a lot of things. But these sorts of hobbies tend not to help one meet a man!

Please don’t waste your time waiting for mr or mrs right to come along . You don’t need saving . There’s plenty of posts on MN from people who thought they had it all but realised they were stuck in a miserable existence with a partner / husband / wife .continue living your wonderful life!

I think it only reads like it does because of how your writing it.thw feeling people are getting is from your own as you write it.
So someone could have exactly your life and if they lived it the vocab and inflections would be different and it could sound bloody marvels.
So it wasn't that the post was describing good or bad.coming from you and your words it obviously wasn't fulfilled sounding if that makes sense.
Do you have any groups or hobbies you could go to to meet people,him.
How about those singles holidays even.
Do you go out out,make yourself available.
What have you or haven't you do y yo seek a partner?

@ChinBristles I think you'd be surprised. I've got a lot of friends who became newly single after long term relationships broke down in their early to mid thirties and there are plenty of blokes in the same situation on dating apps. If people don't get married to their long term partners by their early 30s they often make the decision to leave and then they're on the market again. There are also lots of people coming out of divorces in their late 30s/early 40s. Sometimes with kids - which you might not want - but often not.

Whenever I think oh I'll never meet anyone decent, there are no single blokes left my age who aren't weirdos, I then stop myself and think - but I'm not weird and I'm single, so there must be men out there like me! And there are because I've met plenty of them. I might not have fallen in love with any of them yet but they do exist!

Honestly - my best advice for you is to just get on every dating app under the sun and go on at least two dates a week. Treat it like a job search. Set your parameters, be prepared to compromise a bit, and take every offer you get. The worst that'll happen is you'll have a couple of hours of awkward conversation. A friend who is actively dating at the moment has chosen to pair her dates with her other mission of visiting every pizza restaurant in London. So even if her date isn't great, she's still ticked off a restaurant she wanted to visit in the process. Doing something like this to make the experience feel a bit more fun and like you're having a valuable experience even if the date doesn't work out might help.

I'm rooting for you! I think you posted tonight because you're ready for a change. It's not going to happen unless you prioritise it, though. If this is what you want - it needs to become your number one activity every week. Two dates minimum!

Good luck! You can do this. I hope with all my heart you'll find someone who sets your heart alight very very soon :)

Your life sounds fine to me, but I totally get what you mean about really wanting a life partner. So many people say things like it isn't the be all and end all and it'll happen when you least expect it, but those people are almost always happily settled in relationships, with that default person to go on holiday with, go to dinner with, etc.

Being single can be really bloody hard. Just the fact that everything is down to you. Every little decision, every big decision. Holidays have to be alone or with one of those adventure group things, because most other people are going away with their partner. It's incredibly expensive to have nobody to share rent/mortgage and bills with. Nobody to ever cook your dinner. Sick in bed with a fever? Tough shit - you'll either have to cook (and clean up the mess) or spend a fortune on takeaways.

I would much rather be single than in a bad relationship, definitely. But it isn't my desired state either. I would much, much rather have a soulmate in my life who is always there for me, just gets me, always has my back, etc. I've had that before so I know what it's like, and in some ways I think that's worse than never having experienced it. I would bloody love to have someone to book a cool holiday with, know that I'll have a good travel companion, not have to worry so much about all the logistics and especially my safety. Have someone waiting at home for me when I'm coming back late at night, someone who can come to meet me if I feel unsafe walking back, or someone to pick me up if the train is cancelled. I think women in LTRs take SO much for granted in this aspect.

I wouldn't be happy because I need a lot in every sense; having and keeping all that can be hard work, but I couldn't be any other way. ( I'm talking life more than material stuff) I have friends who live far more simple lives and I totally appreciate that. When the shit hits the fan for me, yet again, I can feel a little envious - but truly, I couldn't live their lives any more than they could live mine.

So, could I be happy - no. Could you - yes, very possibly. Not sure how that helps!