Would you be happy with my life?

[ChinBristles]

I'm nearly 40. Female.

Had a few relationships but single. Never married.

Never had children, never really thought it was the right thing for me.

I used to work a lot of hours in a job I hated but recently took a step back/sideways. I enjoy my job now and it's just 9-5. WFH.

I have had issues with my weight/alcohol but they're under control now.

I have a cat. Am close with my parents/extended family. A few friends.

I'm relatively comfortable financially and no health worries. I live in a small city so plenty on my doorstep.

I go to church and do some voluntary work. I mostly watch Netflix otherwise!

Would you be happy with this? Or think there was something glaring missing? Interested to see responses before I tell you how I'm feeling. I know all that matters is whether I'm happy or not...not what others thing, but I'm interested...

Thanks!

I was in your position - quite happily. I was happy being single but did sometimes feel lonely and after 7 or so years thought I might be open to something. It came along - if kids aren’t a need then I would suggest being open to getting to know as many different types of people as you can but that there’s no rush. Can I ask your age?

Thanks @EnidSpyton I actually went on loads of dates last year. But have been disillusioned this year.

Thanks for all the very detailed, kind and considered responses everyone. Interesting to hear a mix of "finding a partner is not the answer" to "yes, try harder to find someone". I'll need to report back in 10 years!

@Chinbristles , I think your life sounds very nice and one of my friends has similar ( Church aside ) Hobbies , good job , financially stable nice male friends but never the one.

My brother got married at 50 to a woman who was 43 (she can't have children - so not the same as you but he wasn't bothered about no children ) - they met at work 1st marriage for both. . Before then he thought - no dice - too late - they are as happy as happy could be. I would say just keep meeting people however you can and the right one might turn up. Don't limit it - just keep meeting people however you can if you want to meet a partner. Unless internet which might work somebody might be a friend of a friend .

I wish you well 🌹

No I wouldn't be happy at all, my children and my husband are the most important part of my life.

From what you've disclosed sounds like a happy life. But no idea what you're not saying.

@ChinBristles Sorry, just saw this - I woke up one day a couple of years ago and had this huge revelation that I just didn't believe in God anymore and rather than feeling the devastation I always thought I would were that to happen, I felt nothing but utter relief and total freedom.

To be honest I had never 100% been signed up to it all, but having been part of the church from a young age it was such a huge part of who I was, I'd always been told that my doubts were just the devil testing me, and I thought the unease and unhappiness and constant guilt and shame at not being the good Christian I was supposed to be were all part of the contract. I didn't know anything else. I also felt a real need to be part of a community and the church did satisfy that need to a certain degree - but at the same time, it did also make me feel even more lonely, because I knew I didn't believe as deeply as everyone else seemed to.

So when I had that day when I woke up and realised I no longer believed in any of it and that was ok, it was like thirty odd years of a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I've not been to church since, and I don't miss any of it at all. I feel like I'm finally living the life I want rather than torturing myself trying to fit into a mould that was never going to fit me.

I would say I still feel vaguely spiritual and I have a huge respect for true Christian values. But my experience of Christianity has sadly largely been that of people using religion to justify their desire to control, shame, and judge others. My time in the church did a lot of damage to me and I have been left with quite a firm belief that religion is nothing but a means for man to control others rather than any genuine revelation from another realm.

I'm sorry if that upsets or offends you. I don't mean it to. It's just my experience.

Or why you're questioning. Yourself? Random strangers on a forum; why would you care about others opinions if happy?

Sounds similar to mine although I do more exercise and less watching Netflix but also do a fair amount of volunteer work. I need to go in the office at least half the week or I go stir crazy at home! Wouldn’t say I’m that close to my parents but I have a large circle of friends.

@ChinBristles sounds like a very nice life! And far away hills are green and all that, but, if a partner is something that’s important to you I reckon you need to be honest with yourself and really go for it. Too many people try to convince themselves they don’t want what they really do want to protect themselves from disappointment. It’s a cliché, but truly no one is going to rescue you and give you everything you want by accident, so maybe time to take the bull by the horns?
Someone shared this on here before, it’s a funny video about how to hack dating, thought it was quite inspiring- you might enjoy it? www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

@EnidSpyton thanks for sharing. No that doesn't offend or upset me at all. Although I'm sorry to hear about your negative experience. You absolutely must live a life true to yourself. You can't live a lie, of course. For me, my faith gives an immense amount of comfort to the extent that I think even if I thought it wasn't true, I'd rather believe in God than not, if you see what I mean.

I’ve just read your opening post and will scroll back for updates.

From what you’ve said, yes, I would be very content. Not deliriously happy but settled and comfortable.
I’m an introvert and like my own company though. I also don’t mind doing things in my own although I do like the company of friends and family.
I guess wfh could be a bit isolating but I’d just have to make sure I kept up a social life.

I’m going to have a look at your other posts now!

It sounds quite like my life @ChinBristles and I'm very happy.

I felt the same.It’s really hard. I found mine. I hope you do too.

Ah, I’m glad you’re content OP.

All I can say about having a partner is that he/she has to be the right one and worth every lifestyle compromise a relationship brings. Most importantly, he has to be worthy of you.
You are better off single than settling for ‘he’ll do’.
If it happens, great, if it doesn’t then you still have your positive outlook on life, your friends family, interests and job.

The reason I'm very happy is I had an annoying ex-lover who was a sex pest. We didn't live together but I love every moment now of not being pestered. Lockdown also helped me enjoy the peace of my own company.

@ChinBristles I got into religion too. It's great.

@ChinBristles Could you tell me some of your experiences with Christian dating? I haven't really started doing that yet. I've heard that some men go on those sites who aren't really Christian but are just looking for a virgin to marry.

I wouldn't personally have to worry about those guys though as I wouldn't be what they're looking for.

Years ago when I went through a very brief religious phase, I dated a guy who seemed to get off on saying sexual stuff calculated to offend me (was probably w*nking while on the phone and reeling off a list of disgusting stuff.) I just told him to fuck off and hung up. So I suppose there might be those types too.

What've been your experiences trying to find a nice Christian man?

@OldFan well one "Christian" man turned out to be the red-flag, love-bombing, narcissist type, often documented on here. Another was a 32 year old virgin who was addicted to porn and unlikely to ever move out of his parents' home. Many have been perfectly nice but just unattractive or dull. I've had my fair share of scammers, catfish and incel-types. One guy, I didn't text him back quickly enough and he sent a barrage of rape threats. Don't expect rainbows from Christian dating! I think they will be hard-pushed to find a virgin to marry. Many of the women on there have kids/have been married.

You’re most likely an introvert. I married, had children but ultimately divorced. Now that the children are grown and gone, I’m living a similar life to yours and it suits me well. Not for everyone, but we all have different needs. Don’t worry about what others think and do! A busy social lifestyle filled with a lot of people would make me unhappy but others would thrive on that.

I just read the entire thread so my advice above isn’t exactly spot on. I just wanted to add that getting married isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. 😖

You’re most likely an introvert.

I didn't used to be an introvert but I became less adoring of people after numerous times of being hurt by lovers and friends.

Now I'm not so desperate for people/friends, I think it actually makes me a better friend as I'm less intense about it.

I think they will be hard-pushed to find a virgin to marry. Many of the women on there have kids/have been married.

@ChinBristles Good to know I'm not completely past it. 😀 I know of a guy who supposedly met and married a young virgin through 'Christian Connections' (he wasn't really Christian, just liked the idea of a virgin. 😱) Their relationship has been very toxic.

I'm sure we'll both find someone in the end. xx

I think it sounds like a lovely life.
It would not work for me personally because I get gloomy if I have too much time to myself, but for someone more self-sufficient than me it sounds great.

The fact you asked this on here made it clear you weren’t entirely happy. If I had your life I would be having a lot of fun in fact I would be bouncing off the walls, being more proactive, being braver. You have health, money and you know the missing piece to your happiness puzzle but are you doing enough? I have friends like this and I tell them you cant just sit back and say I cant control who I meet etc. The best advice I got from someone was ‘how do you think people end up together it doesn’t happen by magic’. So I changed jobs. Worked on my appearance. Got a nice car. Worked in an area I was more likely to meet someone. Spotted them. Played my cards right by subtly letting the person know I may be interested. Started dating, then suddenly my life turned upside down unexpectedly. He was there for me and now we have been together for years have a dd etc. I have heard dating can be tiring but you just cannot give up. You can find a new hobby. Go to the gym more often to feel better about yourself. Have a routine whereby if you caught someone’s eye they would be able you see you again. Get your morning coffee at the same place etc. Meet friends more often. Make new ones. Travel. I think I miss that life actually. Even sitting in the park, anything, I just wouldn’t restrict myself to online dating as you so sound like an introvert to me? You’re still young and so free to make the most of life don’t waste it alone.

No man is 100% better than a bad man, let me tell you.
If I could go back in time, I would be less picky about physical attraction - is there some saying about ugly men having to try harder ... I think the opposite is true for attractive men!

@Twillow have to agree with you.

Also, you may find someone religious without looking for someone religious. What I mean is be open about the people you meet when someone likes you they want to know more about you and your beliefs. They may agree with you. They may be put off. They may even in turn end up more religious than you. Life isn’t so black and white. I have seen people even convert that I never in a million years would have expected. Obviously you have to filter out the time wasters which you seem to have enough experience with already. But I wouldn’t restrict myself to dating solely through those religious connections.