Would you be happy with my life?

[ChinBristles]

I'm nearly 40. Female.

Had a few relationships but single. Never married.

Never had children, never really thought it was the right thing for me.

I used to work a lot of hours in a job I hated but recently took a step back/sideways. I enjoy my job now and it's just 9-5. WFH.

I have had issues with my weight/alcohol but they're under control now.

I have a cat. Am close with my parents/extended family. A few friends.

I'm relatively comfortable financially and no health worries. I live in a small city so plenty on my doorstep.

I go to church and do some voluntary work. I mostly watch Netflix otherwise!

Would you be happy with this? Or think there was something glaring missing? Interested to see responses before I tell you how I'm feeling. I know all that matters is whether I'm happy or not...not what others thing, but I'm interested...

Thanks!

Do you do anything outside of work? For me the time is filled with my children but before them I was very social.

Out of interest OP, you say you’re a Christian but that sex is important to you. Have you been married? Or is sex outside of marriage acceptable to you (not judging, just wondering as I thought that was unusual for Christians?)

I have children and I'm not religious so it's hard to make direct comparisons.

I wouldn't assume you were not happy in your life. Partly because my godmother (who lived with our family while I was growing up) never married or had children, but had strong Christian faith. She used to say she was an air head that nobody wanted to marry when they discovered that fact, but in actuality she was proposed to a couple of times and turned them down, and my belief is that was because she enjoyed her single life being an independent woman and travelling the world (before I was born - she was born in 1901 and lived to her 90s) she was a huge positive influence on me

"I feel bad that I can't appreciate all the blessings I have and am fixated on the thing that I do not have."

It sounds as though you do appreciate your life though, it's more that you've created a nice life you want to be able to share it with someone who will also appreciate it.
I'm in a similar position. I have a nice lifestyle and friends often comment how happy I must be but often I'm lonely. Not lonely through lack of friends or family, but lonely through not being able to share my life in the same way others do. But I've always held in mind that I'd rather be single than with the wrong person.
Keep going in your search!

Op I think your life sounds lonely.
I do think I'd try to broaden my interests to find other friends gym, sports, running anything to meet other people.

Would you be happy with this? Or think there was something glaring missing? Interested to see responses before I tell you how I'm feeling.
Are you happy? I haven't read any of the replies, but surely that's all that matters.
I'm in my 40s, been married for 20 years everyone is different though.

I think the reality is that a good man can bring great joy. And a bad man great sadness.
So I would not rely on a man to bring happiness. I’d look at other ways to make my life fulfilling because YOU get to choose what to include in your life. You are in control of it.
That said, a good man can bring great happiness. I personally think it’s worth the risk that you get a bad man- because you can always decide not to continue with that relationship if it turns out to be a bad one. The flip side-What you must understand is that when you love someone there is a price to be paid for that love and happiness… ( sorry to be macabre here!) and that is the pain of losing each other when one of you dies.

Hi @ChinBristles 🙂you certainly inspired a kindly thought-provoking thread! Loads of useful contributions - especially from @EnidSpyton .
It seems to me the prospect of your next birthday ending in a zero is looming large and weighing on your mind. 40 is made out to be such a landmark age, especially for women. That cut-off point when all is lost if you want to have a husband and children and you haven't 'achieved' it by then. The tyranny of the (body) calendar.
But of course it absolutely doesn't have to be that way for all the reasons others have already spelled out.
Maybe a different kind of volunteering - nature conservation? Why not take some unpaid leave and do a month with the YHA in a hostel that's remote and beautiful and miles away from home?
I too am a bit introspective and I would find wfh a bit too isolating. There's an awful lot to be said for keeping busy in the company of other folk.

Good luck!
PS I'm trying not to be trite but off the top of my head I can think of at least two examples of people whose lives changed utterly around the age of forty.
Friend of a friend - she was an academic - met someone, got married and pregnant all within a year.

Man in his early 50s met someone in her early 40s and got married not long after.

Both couples still together two decades later🙂

The life you have created for yourself sounds happy, however the piece around wanting to share it with a partner resonates with me. It's lovely having a wonderful DP to share life with.

I'm in my early 40's and currently single, and have 2DC from my last LTR. While being happy with the other aspects of life (health, wealth and DC), I would really like a nice DP. Not at all costs, I'd rather be single than in a bad relationship, hence my current status.

I don't have lots of free time in evenings or on weekends, but when I do, I make the most of getting out and about doing enjoyable things, and if I find my DP doing one of those things, great. I've reactivated my "Meetup" profile, and am doing things again that my EXDP never liked; I've joined a theatre group, a cinema club, a running group (though I haven't been brave enough to go yet!) and a couple of dating groups (same issue as running groups).

The point I'm making with the above paragraph is that if you want to meet someone, you have to get out there and make it happen. You can tell yourself it's in God's hands, but you are not going to meet anyone sitting in your living room watching Netflix. I have so many lovely (single) female friends who complain about the same thing, yet never go anywhere. I had been single for 6 years when I met my EXDP in 2014, who I split from last year. I have friends who have been on less than 10 dates during that time, and still can't see that if they want it, they need to be much more proactive about it.

For some of my friends, the fear of rejection seems to holding them back from truly getting out there. I'm not asking you if that's the case for you, but you may find it helpful to have a few therapy sessions to talk through life, and perhaps reflect on some feelings you never knew you had.

With a different approach to going about and about and doing different activities it'll just be a matter of time before you find a good partner, and I really hope it works out for you.

I think in your position I would try to get out and meet people socially a bit more, as well as persisting with the internet dating.

Presumably there isn't anyone suitable in your local church group. Are there other ways you could meet up with more members of your faith - Christian conferences or overseas trips etc? Not with the sole goal of finding a partner, but broadening your social connections, perhaps they have a friend or a brother... Attend all the weddings, for the same reason!

Do you encounter new men in the volunteering role? If not, could you change to one that would allow you to? It's a good place to find someone genuine with values.

Could you do some hospital or health related volunteering, for example? I've met lots of lovely doctors...

As you say you aren't attracted to many men, that's a bit difficult. Perhaps don't write them off if there isn't an initial spark. Meeting socially rather than on a high pressure date situation might allow space for that to develop.

Apart from what you mentioned.is there anything else leading to you NOT being happy op? And yes i mean as in mental,emotionally.any unmet needs etc.
A reason your not happy just be.i g as you are being you having a good life.do u enjoy the life you have?would you enjoy it if you were with someone?
I ask because if there is anythi g else a man won't change that nor a family.theyve got to add to it.
But if you really have got life sorted then that is tough.
But id just have to then say you have to get out there.
But also try to figure out how to be happy like this.what would need to happen for that.it might mean some gentle coinciding to make you feel ok about that.because I wish for your happy end I g bug what if it doesn't come.how can you then be just as content because you deserve that.your life is a gift.

My life is very similar to this OP. Never married, no children, live alone but dog rather than cat, work from home in a job that's much easier than anything I've done before. However I have a very curious mind, I love to read, I write, read about different subjects just because I am suddenly interested in them, do my garden-and I exercise. If you feel fulfilled that's what matters. Feel free to PM me if you want a 'pen friend' who's of a similar lifestyle!

It does sound like a nice life.. but I do like a little more chaos in mine personally... ie my son, 3 dogs, working in a busy environment etc!

I would be quite happy with your life, though I might go into the office more and travel more too.

I would be quite happy with your life, though I might go into the office more and travel more too.

It's not whether we're happy - are you ?

The minimum is all great....family/friends, financial freedom & health.

Do you think there's something missing ?

I think in the current economic climate this sounds wonderful. To be comfortable and have your own home and a cat. Genuinely my life dream.

I feel like your life would have been what mine would have been if I hadn’t met now DH when I was 22.

A DH/Dc are amazing and may make you feel fulfilled but that age old saying “the grass isn’t always greener” is useful to remember.

I fantasy dream of your life without a partner, DC etc Whilst I do find being a wife/parent so fulfilling and it changed me as a person 100% for the better (and caveat here I love my DH/DC so so much); the weight of this life that I chose and desire to be on my own more often than not, lies heavy on my heart sometimes.

I refound my faith after I had children with DH. He is a non Christian and this puts pressure on our relationship (albeit, less so now than 9 years ago). We’ve compromised and leant to live with it. At one point, he said to me he thought I’d be happier with a “lovely Christian man” and that cut deep. I knew then that the ideal man wasn’t out there- they don’t exist and I had the ideal man in front of me, with the one exception of his faith. We worked on our relationship and have been together 18 years.

Not sure where I’m quite going with this but felt it worthy enough to share. Don’t search for the perfect person (obviously don’t compromise on huge red flags either!!) but except that the person that might come your way may not be the full ticket. And on the flip side of that, enjoy the life and freedom you have vs. what a relationship will no doubt take some of that away (and offer you other things instead).

Such an interesting thread and @EnidSpyton thank you for your sharing your story. That was helpful to me personally.

If your happy that’s great and all that matters.

However, I couldn’t do your life - I like more craziness / random things happening …. I’d be very bored with too much routine

OP, you've also mentioned God and what he wants for you.

Did God (if you believe in God) not give us all hearts and minds in order that we are human, and capable of making our own choices? (Caveat, I haven't been brought up religious so I know my understanding is limited/from an outside perspective).

It does sound like you want a partner. Are you just feeling tired and jaded by disappointing experiences (like so many women) and this is putting you off pursuing finding a partner- and the God aspect is slightly tangential?

If the thought of dating via apps (Christian or otherwise) is really off putting, could you not try out interests that open the possibility of meeting someone but will also be rewarding for their own sake, as someone else said? I think PP mentioned hiking and a theatre group, as well as Meetup. That way, you could be enriching your life and opening doors to meet someone.

It depends on the on the individual. For me I wouldn't be happy working from home, going to church or not having kids but fully accept that these are my personal preferences and that those choices make a lot of people perfectly happy.

Your life sounds full and well rounded. I can't see anything glaringly obvious that would make you miserable.

I just wanted to say thanks again to everyone, this has indeed been a thoughtful and kind thread! I'm reading all your responses and giving everything some thought. I really appreciate you all sharing your experiences and giving me your advice. I feel ok about things today!

OP, I would get really active if I were you.

You say you are a solid 6/10 looks. Most women can iomprove their looks by a couple of points by being slim, toned with a good haircut, nice teeth and good make up and clothes. If you could work on any of these to make yourself feel more confident, i would do this. Joining some physical workout group with an emphasis on strength and a running group - both of these could really improve your sense of your own attractiveness. feeling fit and energetic is in itself incredibly attractive.

Without making it an obsessive sole-focus project, I would definitely make sure I was out and about in the world more. If you are not doing at least 4-5 things outside the home ever week and ensuring that at least 3 of those widen your social network, then your chances of meeting someone are too reduced.

Get out and about more widely in the diocese doing voluntary work not just in your own church, get sporty, go on Meet-up weekend hikes or cycle rides or similar. Book three holidays a year. Spend some money on yourself and your life to enrich it. You'll enjoy it more, you'll have more life about you when you are living more fully, and it will show in your energy. Energy is attractive.

"a funny video about how to hack dating, thought it was quite inspiring- you might enjoy it? www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare"

I've watched this video many times over the years and still wouldn't know how to hack online dating. Apart from having a good photo, I'm not sure which tips from the video can be generalised to other people.

"So I changed jobs."

Not everyone can do this without losing money.

"Worked on my appearance."

Most of our appearance is outside our control, unless you're advocating plastic surgery. Most single women already do the basis of moisturising, going to the hairdresser and wearing clothes that flatter.

"Got a nice car."

Since when are men interested in women's cars?

" Worked in an area I was more likely to meet someone. Spotted them. Played my cards right by subtly letting the person know I may be interested. Started dating, then suddenly my life turned upside down unexpectedly."

How old were you? Because if you're over 40 your chances of meeting single men through work can be pretty low.