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Original poster

Partner not buying any food ....

203 replies

sinkholes · 14/07/2022 09:02

We have moved in together.
He earns around £1500 a month after tax and I earn £1000 (currently part time)
I get paid the 28th of the month and he gets paid the 12th
I buy the food on the 28th to the 14th and he said once he was paid he would stock the fridge.
I said to him last night,can you grab something for tea tonight and get some bits.
He said he's gonna struggle as his "skint"
So obviously expects me to buy all the food again?
How he is skint I don't know ...
I'm fuming tbh I'm spending so much money now on food and his two cats.
What would you do?
It's not really fair is it.
Surely when he gets paid he should put some money aside for food.
Even £50 would be a help.

OP posts:
ProfessorFusspot · 14/07/2022 13:19

You should be paying 50% each of all shared expenses (unless you've both agreed to something else). Whatever that amount is, each of you should budget for and pay it each month, before either of you spends any money on anything unnecessary. (Of course, you each also have to meet your own fixed expenses too - for example, if one of you has debt you're paying off, or needs a monthly transit pass, or whatever - personally I'd put food for his cat in this category.)

If he can't pay his share this month, that directly impacts you and yes, you absolutely HAVE to talk about it and resolve it. If he's had some unexpected, unavoidable one-time expense (easy enough; lots of people are living pay check to pay check without savings) he should have told you about it as soon as he knew, and asked if you could cover whatever part of his share he's short this month, with a plan for how he'd make up for it once he's past the crisis.

You don't need to know how he spends every £ of his money or vice versa (his gambling, your shopping for things he thinks are unnecessary) but that's after you both meet your monthly obligations, including your half of household expenses. If he can't pay his share, that's your business. If he has something going on that means he can't afford to live where the two of you have just moved, you need to know if this problem is going to happen again or if it's a one-time thing. If he's acting like it's "normal" that you had to ask him for his share of the basics and he couldn't come up with it, he's taking the piss.

KangFang · 14/07/2022 13:19

Also - don't worry about him.
After you he'll find some other pair of knickers to move in with and sponge off.

Stravaig · 14/07/2022 13:23

What financial arrangements did you thoroughly discuss and agree together before you set up a shared home?

If you didn't do this, you need to rewind and complete this step. If you cannot agree, you should not live together.

Work out all the expenses involved in your shared life.
Work out how much each of you will contribute - he earns more so he should contribute more.
Open a joint account and automatically transfer the full monthly contribution from each personal account on your respective paydays. No personal spending until the joint account has been fully funded.

Shortcut? LTB.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Cost of living General food
TheWeeDonkey · 14/07/2022 13:25

He's not your partner, he's a user.

He's not depressed He's addicted

He earns significantly more than you. You're paying utilities, food and half the rent while he nows his money in days

You need to get rid, He's a waste of space.

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2022 13:26

sinkholes · 14/07/2022 09:32

He gets paid.
Wastes his money then I buy food for the month.
We go half's on rent but I've been paying gas/electric
He plays the slots on his phone
I'm assuming that's where most of his money goes
I've told him to stop -he says I don't tell you not to shop

Move out.

Break up.

Block

This is no partnership and will only get worse.

If you meet someone else and move in, work out a budget first and set up a separate account for it.

But raise your bar first

KatherineJaneway · 14/07/2022 13:38

What would you do?

Move out pronto. He moved you in so he could sponge off you by making you pay for the food while he uses that extra money that should have gone on food to gamble with.

NotAHouse · 14/07/2022 13:48

What a catch.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/07/2022 13:51

You pay half the rent and all the bills and food and he earns £500 a month more than you?!

Honey he's taking you for a ride.

Maray1967 · 14/07/2022 13:58

Leave him now. This will not get better. I know a woman whose ex took out loans in joint names to fund gambling. It obviously didn’t end well.

He is paying a bit of rent and nothing else. You’re funding the gas and electric and buying the food including for his cats!

He is a user, a total waste of space. That isn’t a nice thing to say about anyone, I know, but that’s what he is.

malloo · 14/07/2022 14:01

Run for the hills OP!

And please tell me you've been using reliable contraception?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/07/2022 14:03

He's Landed on his feet moving in with you and sees no reason to change... actions speak louder than words
Pick up your feet and run because he won't

SeraphinaDombegh · 14/07/2022 14:03

This won't get better. He's using you for a free roof over his head and free food, and he's contributing... what, exactly? He's a gambler. It won't change. You'll be paying for him forever. Run now, while you can.

Pipsquiggle · 14/07/2022 14:08

Do you love him? Do you want to stay living together?
If yes you need
*absolute financial transparency
*him to admit he has a potential addiction and that he needs to stop gambling
*Get a separate account where you both put money in for food and bills etc but only you get access to it so he can't take money from it (normally I would say set up a joint account but not sure you could trust him given his history)
*to genuinely consider if your OH is worth it. If he has debts and money issues, this may tarnish your credit history as you love together.

If he can't agree to the above, I would be planning an escape route ASAP

Pipsquiggle · 14/07/2022 14:09

*live together

timeisnotaline · 14/07/2022 14:09

Is it really worth trying to talk to him? I mean, what’s to say? He’s a gambler who lets you pay for the gas electric and food, knowing you earn less than him. Just look for somewhere else and move out. In the interim buy and cook food you like, for one. No cat food. He will buy it if he has to. He will be fine without you. You will be better without him.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2022 14:43

@sinkholes

As you haven't responded, I'm guessing You are either...

  1. Busy
  2. Reading this thread with horror and the realisation that everyone is right, you're heartbroken and wondering how to end it.
  3. Reading this thread and dismissing everyone's comments as you think we're all wrong and you can change him as we don't know him.
  4. Suffering from extremely low self esteem and are thus of the opinion that any man is better than no man; and are dismissing everyone's comments as being jealous of you that you have a man.

For your sake I hope it's 2 (or 1 then 2!)

If you are currently on 3 or 4, please keep this thread for when you're ready.

Sartre · 14/07/2022 14:44

What would I do personally? Not live with him and probably dump him. He earns enough to pay his fair share and he bloody should be doing so. You need to kick him to the curb.

CormoranStrike · 14/07/2022 14:50

Can I suggest kindly that you show him the door.

he is living off you and a gambler - this will never get better.

Inthesameboatatmo · 14/07/2022 14:59

He's a cock lodger op him and his fuckin cats !

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 14/07/2022 15:02

There are quite a few people advising ways to manage this, eg by having money transferred to you on his pay day. That would be ok for a temporary thing, like a flat share or having a friend pay you back a loan, but I wouldn't advise it in your case. You can't put a sticking plaster on this and expect it to improve. The more that you try to 'manage' his situation the more responsibility he will put on you. Eventually you will be the parent in the relationship and everything will become your fault.

You wouldn't even be doing him a favour by 'managing' him, he needs to have consequences for his own behaviour, he needs to be forced to be a responsible adult. They say people need to hit rock bottom before they can kick an addiction, if you're protecting him he will remain addicted but you will ruin your own life in the attempt to save him from himself.

You can't talk it through with him, because he's an addict. You can't reason with him, because he's an addict. You can't love him and hope that his love for you will improve him, because he's an addict. You can't make him even acknowledge that there's a problem, because he's an addict. He's already trying to justify his behaviour by being judgemental about you, he'll get more and more hurtful in his responses until you are afraid to even raise the subject.

Ilady · 14/07/2022 15:12

You have just moved in with this man and already he has shown you his true colours. 2 days after he gets paid he is broke due to online gambling. He expects you to carry him re rent, food ect despite the fact he is earning 50% more than you. He is not even bright enough to cover up the fact he is a cock lodger with a gambling problem.
My advice is to end things with him. The reality is that at the moment the cost of living is rising but wages are not. You can't afford to cover his expenses and long term any savings you have will be gone.

I know a lady who got involved with a gambler. She married him and they had a family. He was gambling in the bookies and online. His gambling got worse and she had no idea how bad it was until she saw a mortgage statement. He stopped paying the mortgage and owed over £20,000 in arrears. In fact the bank were looking to get the house back. She then found out that their savings were nearly gone as well.
She had to go to his and her parents and tell them what happened as she needed money to keep the family home. She was lucky they were in a financial position to help her. Even now she is always watching him and their bank account.

I have 2 friends who like to bet. One of my friends will go to the bookies and place a few bets.
My friend will bring X amount of money with them and enjoys this. They told me they won't ever open an online betting account because they feel it's to easy to up spending to much or with a gambling addiction. My other friend has set up an online gambling account to bet on the odd race, match ect and because they can't get to a bookies.

Snog · 14/07/2022 17:39

I have no idea why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who is this irresponsible disrespectful and frankly piss taking OP.
Set the bar higher, you deserve better than this.

LemonSwan · 14/07/2022 17:47

He sound so shit. Get rid honestly. I know that’s not easy but in years you will look back on this. Let’s hope your out the relationship and not looking back whilst in it and thinking ‘fuck’!

CactusFlowers · 14/07/2022 18:27

You need to put your foot down now. If he’s not willing to pay his share he needs to leave.

Spohn · 15/07/2022 13:00

OPs not coming back then. I expect there’ll be a thread in a few months like ‘I’m pregnant and my boyfriend won’t pay for anything for the baby’ 🥴

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