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Original poster

Partner not buying any food ....

203 replies

sinkholes · 14/07/2022 09:02

We have moved in together.
He earns around £1500 a month after tax and I earn £1000 (currently part time)
I get paid the 28th of the month and he gets paid the 12th
I buy the food on the 28th to the 14th and he said once he was paid he would stock the fridge.
I said to him last night,can you grab something for tea tonight and get some bits.
He said he's gonna struggle as his "skint"
So obviously expects me to buy all the food again?
How he is skint I don't know ...
I'm fuming tbh I'm spending so much money now on food and his two cats.
What would you do?
It's not really fair is it.
Surely when he gets paid he should put some money aside for food.
Even £50 would be a help.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2022 10:26

Gamblers are addicts. Words from other people, even those they live mean nothing. They love gambling more than anything else. All you can do is save yourself.

Speak to Al-anon for specialised support. And end it. He can move out and you can date. But he is not someone that you can have a live in relationship with.

HollowTalk · 14/07/2022 10:26

If I were you I would separate immediately. He has no intention of paying anything at all. He'll pay half the rent so that he can insist on staying there but he's not planning to spend anything else. He's a user.

generaldoll · 14/07/2022 10:27

He sounds like a catch OP 🧐

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Cost of living General food
Pinkdelight3 · 14/07/2022 10:27

If he's depressed that's a separate issue from the gambling. Don't get such excuses ready for him. There's no excuse for leeching off you.

IncompleteSenten · 14/07/2022 10:29

You're going to end up paying for everything.

I'd move out rather than be used as a cash cow.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 14/07/2022 10:31

Figure out how much it costs for a months worth of food and ask him to withdraw his half or transfer it to you preferably a standing order direct from his bank to yours. Every month on his payday that money should be in your account.

coodawoodashooda · 14/07/2022 10:32

FrancescaContini · 14/07/2022 09:16

Why are you sharing a home with a great big baby of a man child? What a huge turn off. Game over for me.

This. He's not your partner. He's your piss taker. Long gone are the days of allowing someone to treat me like this.

Hoppinggreen · 14/07/2022 10:32

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 14/07/2022 10:31

Figure out how much it costs for a months worth of food and ask him to withdraw his half or transfer it to you preferably a standing order direct from his bank to yours. Every month on his payday that money should be in your account.

Dont do this, he's not a child
Just leave

Pluvia · 14/07/2022 10:35

You're going to have to move out, or get him out. Because I'm betting it's only a month or two before he finds he can't pay his half of the rent and council tax and then you're going to be up to your neck in problems.

You will probably need some advice and there are people here who have the experience to offer it. I presume you are renting? Is this a new tenancy, OP, or has he just moved in with you? If it's a new tenancy then you may be stuck for six months. Are you both named on the tenancy?

Wykid · 14/07/2022 10:36

You need to get rid of him

he will just gamble everything away

georgarina · 14/07/2022 10:38

At best you'll waste your money paying for everything
At worst he'll start stealing from you
Imagine you've saved up years to buy a house only to find out he's gambled the savings...
Yeah no thanks.

SmallestInTheClass · 14/07/2022 10:39

Whatever you do, don't put money in a joint account, if he's a gambler he'll just spend the lot and you won't have anything for bills or food. I'm sorry to say this but he needs to change after his next pay packet, or you need to leave, or you need to accept you'll pay for everything (including his gambling habit) if you stay.

coodawoodashooda · 14/07/2022 10:40

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 14/07/2022 10:31

Figure out how much it costs for a months worth of food and ask him to withdraw his half or transfer it to you preferably a standing order direct from his bank to yours. Every month on his payday that money should be in your account.

That is a terrible, terrible idea.

bluedomino · 14/07/2022 10:41

You obviously care for him but he obviously couldn't give a shit about you. To him you are a means to being able to gamble more. Just like an alcoholic, all he will be thinking of is how to get his next fix. He thinks gambling is more important than rent, bills even food. You will never have a good happy life with this man. Do not have children with him. He would spend money on gambling before spending it on anything for his own children. You are insignificant to him, whilst he is with you, all he can think about will be how soon he can get back to the slot machines. Please take on board what people here are telling you. He will use you up until you have nothing left. He will wreck your credit rating. Why do you feel you deserve to be treated like this? Get some therapy to see why you consider its ok to use all your money to pay his portion of the bills and buy all his food as well as your own. Ask yourself why you feel he deserves more money to spend on himself, well not even spend, why does he deserve way, way more excess money to waste and throw away on gambling, just trying to get some adrenaline and endorphin hits. Research has shown people with a gambling problem are twice as likely to suffer depression. His depression will never go away, so if you are waiting for him to "be better", he never will. Sorry to be so blunt but you are wasting your life. He will know what to say to you to make you stay, to make you think he loves you or needs you but this is manipulation to get you to be his income supply source. If you are not going to leave him, you may as well pay all your money straight to him and forget ever buying a house, having a holiday and just living a miserable existence. For God's sake get out now. You will never fix him, you can only try to fix yourself.
Remember...what you allow will continue, and what will continue will escalate.

coodawoodashooda · 14/07/2022 10:41

ihavenocats · 14/07/2022 10:17

Always discuss this stuff before you move in.

He's a loser, get rid. You can't have kids with someone like that or a decent life where you have holidays and bills are paid and you have food.

Next time before you ever move in with anyone discuss all these things at the very least:

finances
parenting style
when you want children and how many
thoughts on if you can't conceive
diet and health
travel and where you want to end up in the world
how you want to spend you retirement
views on feminism and other political issues

This helps but doesn't entirely protect you from a liar.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2022 10:42

sinkholes · 14/07/2022 09:52

I wasn't aware how much he enjoyed gambling.
When we first met he would always have cash not his card -now I'm assuming that's so he isn't able to spend it online

I'm gonna try and talk to him about his gambling
He has depression which I'm not sure if it's fueling the slots

He's got you well-trained, hasn't he? He gets you to finance his life whilst he gambles his money away and when you "told him to stop -he says I don't tell you not to shop". And what's your response? 'He has depression'.

Wake the fuck up! You are being exploited by a man who does not give two figs for you. You are a source of money and sex, but his primary relationship is with gambling. You are a means to an end as far as he is concerned. Any time he does anything that makes you think he cares for you, you can be damned sure the aim of his words or actions is to soothe you into continuing to provide money and sex. That's it. You can "try and talk to him" but he won't be listening, he'll be thinking of his next gamble.

Move out. Stop financing him. By financing the roof over his head, the bills and the food he eats, you are ENABLING him. You are making it possible for him to pretend to himself that his gambling is fun and isn't ruining his life. You need to wake up and move out if he is to have the slightest chance of waking up too.

Somethingneedstochange · 14/07/2022 10:42

Just buy tinned food for yourself and don't be buying food for his cats. His responsibility if he's skint then it's down to him to borrow money to get by. I would be kicking him out. Not a great start to living together.

roarfeckingroarr · 14/07/2022 10:44

So he's mean, he's shit with money and he gambles.

Leave while you don't own a house or have children together.

Eviebeans · 14/07/2022 10:44

It's time he went back to his own home isn't it

Phobiaphobic · 14/07/2022 10:46

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 14/07/2022 09:05

How you handle this is how you will be treated forever.

100% this.

fruitbrewhaha · 14/07/2022 10:47

No way OP, fuck him off now.
He's a man child who you'll be supporting for ever.
Raise your standards.

elfycat · 14/07/2022 10:48

Get out now.

I have a friend in a relationship with a gambler. Every few months he empties their bank account (he's not allowed an account and has his wages paid into her account. She won't take his card off him because it's 'his' money too. I'll try -again - to persuade her to get a solo account for her money) regardless of whether or not all the bills have been paid and food bought.

Bailiffs round. Unable to rent a property easily as he has CCJs from not paying bills as he gambles it away and then he hides the reminders and threats, until the costs mount up.

There's a sunk-cost fallacy that she's in. 'I've invested this much time/effort money into the relationship, and he does have good points... I should keep going with more'.

You're right at the beginning of this, and you have choices. Do not waste your life thinking things will get better if you 'help' him. It is not your job to 'fix' him and you won't be able to anyway. Gambling addiction is a long-term problem that he has to work on himself if he's to improve. He'll only be ready for a live-in relationship after all that work - if he bothers - and you only have this one life. Don't waste it getting bogged down with a sponger.

ifonly4 · 14/07/2022 10:48

He might be the nicest chap in the world, but I fear you're setting yourself up for a difficult time. You can't have much money yourself if you're paying half rent, gas, electric and have bought a couple of weeks of food. He really needs to sort out his gambling, get support if needs be now. Otherwise, this is going to be the start of your new life together - sorry.

coodawoodashooda · 14/07/2022 10:48

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2022 10:42

He's got you well-trained, hasn't he? He gets you to finance his life whilst he gambles his money away and when you "told him to stop -he says I don't tell you not to shop". And what's your response? 'He has depression'.

Wake the fuck up! You are being exploited by a man who does not give two figs for you. You are a source of money and sex, but his primary relationship is with gambling. You are a means to an end as far as he is concerned. Any time he does anything that makes you think he cares for you, you can be damned sure the aim of his words or actions is to soothe you into continuing to provide money and sex. That's it. You can "try and talk to him" but he won't be listening, he'll be thinking of his next gamble.

Move out. Stop financing him. By financing the roof over his head, the bills and the food he eats, you are ENABLING him. You are making it possible for him to pretend to himself that his gambling is fun and isn't ruining his life. You need to wake up and move out if he is to have the slightest chance of waking up too.

Show quote history

Excellent post. His priority is his gambling. You help him achieve this and as long as he is a little bit nice to you now and again you won't throw him out for being an adult baby.

AliceMcK · 14/07/2022 10:48

i don’t usually jump to the standard mumsnet get out of the relationship shit, but I’m saying run. He sounds like my ex, liked to play the pokies, never had any money, everything fell to me to cover. I thought I could handle it when we moved in together, clever me insisted on a joint account where we both paid money into for bills/food etc, great worked well until her started taking money out of it. When we split up he would constantly put it in overdraft and I had to keep paying it off to stop my name being credit listed. It took him a year to finally agree to close it, even then I had to pay him to meet me at the bank.

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