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Original poster

I owe my dad money-he never lets me forget...what do I say?

166 replies

dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:04

Last year after my mam died my anxiety got really bad and I was scared to go out etc and my depression took hold.
I left my job and started closing UC
I was receiving the bare minimum whilst waiting for Assesment.
I owe my dad £1,200 which I borrowed to pay bills /and food etc

I get £900 UC and £450 is rent
I'm left with £450
My dad takes £200 out of that for what I owe.
So I'm left with £250 for food /bills/
Then I have to borrow off him every month to survive so my debt never goes down.

He shouts at me daily and tells me I'm in a mess-I'm aware but until I get better and get back to work what do I do.

He has a book with what I Owe him and he shows me daily (I'm 24 and live 5 mins from him so rely on him as I can't really go out often )

Last month I missed paying him as I had to pay my gas bill
He's shouted at me daily about this and tells me I'm "no good"

I don't really need advice as there's none
I just wish he understood more

OP posts:
YorkshireIndie · 13/07/2022 11:06

Would you be able to sit your father down and explain where all the money is going? Create a reasonable and affordable repayment plan. Your father will not be helping the situation and is just confounding it further

Joopy · 13/07/2022 11:08

Sort out a budget. How much are your food bills? Energy bills etc? Work out how much you can pay him back, £200 seems a lot, would £100 be more realistic?
Are you doing any unnecessary spending? Take aways? Coffees etc? Can you cut down on them?

Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:08

I've tried explaining but he says it's not his problem.
£30 out of what I pay him goes on gas for his house (for what I use when I stay for tea etc.)

OP posts:

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pippinsleftleg · 13/07/2022 11:10

He takes £30 out of the debt payment you give him and says it’s not for debt but instead for the gas he uses to cook you tea?

stop seeing him, he sounds awful.

Wombat27A · 13/07/2022 11:11

Sounds like financial abuse.

Go to CAB, talk it all through with them & try to find ways to get out of this situation. You need real life support for this situation.

If he wasn't your dad, he'd be classed a loan shark.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/07/2022 11:12

dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:08

I've tried explaining but he says it's not his problem.
£30 out of what I pay him goes on gas for his house (for what I use when I stay for tea etc.)

My Gas bill for the MONTH in winter is usually about £30-40 so that can stop. He doesn't sound very nice. Can you limit contact after making it clear you WILL pay him back. Is he struggling for money too ?

JamesBlond · 13/07/2022 11:12

Sounds like he’s not being very nice. He’s probably struggling emotionally too, but it’s no reason to treat you like this. Equally, learn a lesson and never borrow from him again.

Yodaisawally · 13/07/2022 11:12

You need to try and reason with him and stick to an agreed pauback plan eg £50/month

And fuck that, I would not be going to his house and getting charged £30 a month for gas.

OhSwe3tBaby · 13/07/2022 11:13

Could you see if universal credit will give you an advance or a credit card or loan and just pay him off and then atleast you won't be getting abuse for money you owe and your be able to re pay it back in more manageable amounts, £200 is alot!

Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:13

I offered ages ago to give him gas payment as it was winter and at the time was at his a lot -so don't mind that
He has helped me out loads
I'm gonna sit down and say £100 a month then the other £100 I will use for bills
That way I won't borrow any more money
Hopefully he won't mind
I know he's lent me a lot

OP posts:
JamesBlond · 13/07/2022 11:15

@dresdingtable Are you afraid of him?

11Hawkins · 13/07/2022 11:17

Can he afford for you to owe this much? Maybe he's stressing at you because he's also struggling? Need more back story.

Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:17

No not scared of him or anything
He just nags constantly

OP posts:
DeanStockwelll · 13/07/2022 11:20

I know it may not be possible but can you take out a small bank loan, join credit union to pay your dad off all at once then set up a sensible affordable plan to pay it back.

Aa PP said go yo CAB and ask for advice on how to handle your dad and ensure you are claiming all that you can.

The fact that he says £30 is to pay for gas when you are there is ridiculous , does he charge other visitor's? Me thinks probably not !

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 13/07/2022 11:20

Stop going to his house for starters.

Tell him that you are going to pay £50 and that's that. He can't force you to pay more (I am assuming there is no written agreement here).

Transfer him the money through your bank and then avoid him at all costs

liveforsummer · 13/07/2022 11:21

Pay him a more realistic amount and stop having dinner at his house so he can't change you for that. Keep your own record so extras can't be added on. In future use a food bank or crisis fund rather than borrow from your dad. Lots of people don't have others to borrow from so it's possible. Not worth the stress of having that debt hanging over you

OurChristmasMiracle · 13/07/2022 11:25

first of its time for a frank discussion with your dad-

1- you were happy to assist with gas when you were there a lot and using it, however you cannot afford for this to continue so
will be having tea at home

2- work out a budget before hand and say “I can afford to repay what I owe you at £x per month”

3- if you are unable to work, are you awaiting a medical assessment for UC as if you are that may increase your entitlement to help.

SpacePotato · 13/07/2022 11:30

Your dad sounds like an abusive arsehole. Telling you you are no good! He is quite literally kicking you whilst you are down.

Agree with PP. Tell him £50 per month is all you can afford.
Stop going to his house for tea. £30 a month for gas! He is purposely ripping off his own daughter ffs.

He is keeping you in perpetually debted to him and not just financially.

Tonysopranosghost · 13/07/2022 11:33

See if you can get a budgeting loan via universal credit to pay him back. It'll come out of your benefits but not 200 a month! Then stop visiting, 30 quid a month because you sometime go there for tea is an absolute piss take.

He sounds horrible to be honest, might be worth thinking about what he brings to your life. He certainly can't be helping with your anxiety!

Wolfiefan · 13/07/2022 11:33

what are you doing to get well OP?
if you can’t afford to give him that much a month then you can’t.
why are you going there to eat etc?

Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:36

I'm having CBT through my local mental health trust which is really helpful
I'm starting to feel a bit better ,dropped my medication dosage and able to do a bit more alone again which is good.
I was lonely and just wanted a little support and company so went to my dads

OP posts:
hattie43 · 13/07/2022 11:39

What a horrible man . I'm sure a lot of fathers would help struggling children if not financially then supportably

RJnomore1 · 13/07/2022 11:39

Just a wee question - how much of what you owe him have you paid back according to his book? Is it actually going down?

Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:41

It is deffo going down but some months if I only paid £100
The £30 gas meant only £70 would come off for debt that month

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 13/07/2022 11:41

I found CBT really useful.
Could you look into groups or volunteering etc for company?

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