I owe my dad money-he never lets me forget...what do I say?

[dresdingtable]

Last year after my mam died my anxiety got really bad and I was scared to go out etc and my depression took hold.
I left my job and started closing UC
I was receiving the bare minimum whilst waiting for Assesment.
I owe my dad £1,200 which I borrowed to pay bills /and food etc

I get £900 UC and £450 is rent
I'm left with £450
My dad takes £200 out of that for what I owe.
So I'm left with £250 for food /bills/
Then I have to borrow off him every month to survive so my debt never goes down.

He shouts at me daily and tells me I'm in a mess-I'm aware but until I get better and get back to work what do I do.

He has a book with what I Owe him and he shows me daily (I'm 24 and live 5 mins from him so rely on him as I can't really go out often )

Last month I missed paying him as I had to pay my gas bill
He's shouted at me daily about this and tells me I'm "no good"

I don't really need advice as there's none
I just wish he understood more

Have you looked at getting a budgeting loan from the government or a loan from a bank or something. You would be paying less in interest and installments.

Thay way you can give him his money (via bank transfer with "full loan repayment" in the reference), then cut him off completely. He is abusive and doing your mental health no favours.

You don't deserve to be treated like this OP

Stop staying at his for tea. Don't borrow any more money off him, work out at the end of each month how much you can pay him back and pay him back. Explain that way its going to get paid off quicker. You've got a lot on your plate at the moment so be kind to yourself.

Because I have no children I'm only allowed £348 I think
I've had one in March for my new fridge so can't get any more till it's repayed
Advance I think it's called

I'm deffo going to ask for the £100 payment instead
Like I say I offered the £30 gas payment when I used to go over more and I did stay Saturday and Sunday night as I was lonely and just wanted some company really

I'm on sertraline and have reduced the dose and so far so good
I'm hoping to get back to work by the end of the year ...at least part time anyway

If it wasn't for this £200 I would be ok for the month..it's the £200 a month that's impacting me...but if he agrees a smaller repayment il be okay.
I didn't pay last month ,I just did a token £40 payment

Can you get a loan from anywhere else who won't charge you such steep repayments?

Sorry you are in such a state OP. Sounds awful.

Why are you reducing your medication if you still feel months away from returning to any type of work?

I could get a bank loan I'm assuming from my bank as I do have good credit
They keep trying to get me on to a overdraft so it's a option
I will try negotiate with dad first

@Rickrollme I'm feeling better than I did ..so want to decrease it slowly
I don't want to rely on medication

He's financially and emotionally abusing you, please speak to someone, anyone, even your GP or health visitor, someone.

Are you reducing meds on advice of a medical professional? I was told to only reduce once I felt fine for a period of weeks. You don’t sound like you’re there yet

I agree with this, I came off sertraline slowly under medical guidance, but they wanted me to be really steady for a month or two before we even tried. There's no way I would have been weaning from it at all if my anxiety was still as bad as yours @dresdingtable - you're not giving yourself a proper chance by coming off it before you're better. Wait until life has settled down and you're back to work before you even think about it.

Your dad is taking advantage of you financially and you'd be better getting an overdraft from your bank and paying him back in full, then reducing your overdraft monthly. Nobody should be dealing with daily nagging about money, especially someone grieving and dealing with mental health issues.

Was your dad actually using more gas by you being there? Heating the room and the oven would be the same whether you were there or not?

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your mum, and for what an awful time you've been going through ever since. Grief affects people in different ways and right now you need to take the time for you to get yourself back on track. The CBT therapy will defo help you in the long run, and the medication will help ease any overwhelming anxiety for now. I would suggest sitting down with your dad and have a frank conversation. It is great he was able to help you when you needed it, but to remind you daily really is unhealthy. Also the £30 for gas is quite ridiculous. I suspect in some way your dad enjoys holding this over over you for whatever reason, maybe a power trip. Sit with him, or write a letter if you prefer and thank him for his help, you appreciate it and want to get the debt cleared so you can both move on. Explain that it is unreasonable to continue paying £30 towards his bills when you can't pay your own. Instead offer to pay him £100 a month for twelve months and then the bill will be cleared. Pay him on the same date each month and state that you will only discuss the debt on that date each month to see how much is left to pay etc.

If you aren’t at a point where you can go back to work, you likely aren’t at a point where stopping medication is wise. You really don’t need to worry about sertraline long-term. Your focus should be on getting your life where you want it to be and then once things are stable and comfortable, you can think about tapering the med.

you can’t possibly be costing your father 30 in gas with your visits. On your budget, you can’t afford to overpay like that. It’s ridiculous that you pay at all, but if you must, it needs to be realistic.

I would work out a budget and figure out what amount you can consistently afford to pay him. Remember to leave money for emergencies. Offer that amount with the plan that it will mean no more requests for loans.

I really don't understand what happened this morning.
I told my dad I had received the COL so I was able to pay off some of my bills (gas ,old credit card) and I would have enough for all my food etc ..and I honestly was so happy.
Obviously he snapped at me -what bills? You shouldn't have credit card bills ..I said it's from 2 years ago when I was working
Then he kept going ..you don't learn,debt debt debt
Once again explained it was a old credit card and once it was paid off it was paid off.
Still kept shouting at me ..you've got no brains with debt
Then it turned into I want nothing to do with you ,pay off what you owe and no more lending.

I said I'm trying,I thought you would be pleased I'm not struggling this month
He stormed out saying "your making me ill,just like you dad your mam"

I haven't done anything wrong
I thought he would be happy I'm okay this month

You really need to cut your contact with him down to a minimum. Him behaving like this will really not be helping your mental health.

How much do you actually currently owe him?

Please poppet stop discussing anything to do with money with him.
He clearly wants you to pay him back and is being inpatient and it's coming out as abuse towards you.
Just keep paying him back as and when you can and DO NOT discuss money/bills/purchases with him. It will help honestly.

Sounds like financial abuse because he’s constantly keeping you in perpetual debt by taking more than you can afford each month so you’re always forced to borrow more from him. Most decent parents would either totally write the debt off or just ask for a small amount each month, they wouldn’t want to cripple you and they certainly wouldn’t be nasty about it.

He’s an arsehole and you need to be more assertive. You can’t afford to repay £200 a month because it then leaves you short so you always need to borrow more so tell him this. Tell him you’ll repay him x amount (however much you can actually afford) until it’s cleared and that’s the end of it.

I said tomorrow I was going to the local beach tomorrow and was excited to get some chips.
That turned into -you can swan around to the beach but can't clear your debt with me.

My friends driving us to the beach and chips are only £2.50
I take squash from the house in my water bottle so don't need drinks.

I just miss having someone to talk too about things -I feel a bit sad now but il be okay
I always am

It's around £1,200 that was because I waited nearly a year for Assesment and was living off around £300 so I couldn't afford my bills
Now I have been awarded LCWRA so I have a extra £348 but obviously the £200 to my dad per month was causing me to then need to borrow £50 /£100 a month to buy food and other bits

Lending between family and friends sadly often turns out to cause problems like this.

The one who lent the money can start to feel resentful if what they see as luxuries are being bought ahead of paying them back, and the one who borrowed can come to resent making payments out if what little they have coming in to someone who doesn’t seem to need the money.

My husband lent many thousands of pounds to his cousin when the cousin was in a very difficult spot. He subsequently weighed on the repayments, bought himself a convertible Mercedes, and declared bankruptcy. We now have very awkward family Christmases when my husband has to pretend not to care when the cousin talks about his latest holiday or night out and we are around £10k down on the deal.

I’d now advise anyone to try their best to keep borrowing and family separate.

OP he is bullying you

This man is cruel.

How much is the balance on what you owe him?

@dresdingtable you have done nothing wrong and you are ‘allowed’ to go the beach!!!

Your dad though is being abusive. Emotionally and financially.
By telling you he doesn’t want to see you, he is doing a favour.
Stop going to see him. Send him a text/email stating you are going to repay him <insert amount £100?> as well as the exact amount that is left to pay.
Then keep contact to a minimum.

As an aside, how was your dad when your parents separated? I’m wondering if he isn’t behaving towards you the way he behaved towards your mum.

Your dads treatment of you is abusive and controlling. It’s unhealthy.

stop going round. Asking a GUEST to pay £30 to have yea there or sleep over is taking the piss.

stop engaging with him on money talks or anything really. He’s turning you into a nervous wreck.

work out your budget. Work out what you can afford him.

atop seeing him for a bit and enjoy some walks/beach visits/chips without the drama. Will also save you money as you aren’t paying his gas bill.

imagine I’d that £30 you pay each time went to your debt instead! You’d clear it faster.

ok. So sort out your budget. See what’s left to pay him with. Pay him that. Don’t let him bully or guilt you into paying more than you can afford. Get a response or two ready for him when he comes at you about it ‘dad I’ve done my budget that’s what I can afford to pay towards what I owe you’.

keep your own record of what you pay him.

don’t borrow money from him anymore.

if you need help seek out food banks etc. They come with less verbal abuse.

when you can get help for PIP. You should be able to get support from a specialist due to your health concerns.

are you talking to your therapist about your relationship with your dad. I honestly feel he is hindering any progress you may make. It’s like he’s purposefully keeping you downtrodden as it suits him.