I owe my dad money-he never lets me forget...what do I say?

[dresdingtable]

Last year after my mam died my anxiety got really bad and I was scared to go out etc and my depression took hold.
I left my job and started closing UC
I was receiving the bare minimum whilst waiting for Assesment.
I owe my dad £1,200 which I borrowed to pay bills /and food etc

I get £900 UC and £450 is rent
I'm left with £450
My dad takes £200 out of that for what I owe.
So I'm left with £250 for food /bills/
Then I have to borrow off him every month to survive so my debt never goes down.

He shouts at me daily and tells me I'm in a mess-I'm aware but until I get better and get back to work what do I do.

He has a book with what I Owe him and he shows me daily (I'm 24 and live 5 mins from him so rely on him as I can't really go out often )

Last month I missed paying him as I had to pay my gas bill
He's shouted at me daily about this and tells me I'm "no good"

I don't really need advice as there's none
I just wish he understood more

I know you say you can’t face applying for PIP but you could do it very very slowly. Maybe one page a day. If you got it you could just pay off your Dad SO much faster and once that’s done you can have a much healthier dynamic and start to improve. It is a long form but lots of it is very quick name and address and what is hard. If you don’t get it all you’ve lost is a bit of time. You an do it. Tiny gentle steps will get you to the end.

Absolutely this!

Do it in small stages, it will be completed before you know it and you will be in such a better position

Stop going to your dad. He's not a good person.

If you're not sure of the exact amount you owe him then please find out. Pay him that (and none of this £30 gas money crap) at a rate you can afford via bank transfer.

He may be your father , but he's deliberately hindering your recovery by shouting at you and making you anxious.

Is your partner good to you? Do your friends support you?

Yeah my partner is lovely but not keen on my dad so that causes issues.
I have a few really good friends too so I am lucky in that respect.
I try not to moan and people have it so much worse I know ..it's just hard at times I guess

I know everyone is saying he’s financially “abusive”, but the reality is he did loan you money. Be honest, have you had problems in the past with mental health and have needed extra help or money before this? Does he feel like it’s just one thing after the other and you always expect more from him?

I know posters here are coming down hard on him but if you’ve ever constantly lent to and supported someone with MH struggles it can get to really wear on you, when it just goes on and on.

Could you find a job away eg abroad in a holiday resort with board and lodging provided so that 100% of your salary could go (after tax) to your father until the £1200 were repaid?

Please try to get as loan for the rest of what you owe him, clear the debt and get away from him. He is cruel and sounds like he enjoys holding this over you.

To say that you made your mother ill is unforgivable. Awful man. I bet you'd have less anxiety without his shit behaviour around. I'm so angry for you.

There is no world where I would let my children get into debt whilst they recover from a mental illness whilst I can afford to help them… he sounds like an asshole

@butterflied

The thing with the mother makes me think that this isn’t the only occasion of parents needing to give OP money and support which was never or slowly returned and that maybe he is at the end of his tether.

Its sad but people with MH problems often put a real strain on their families as adults.

Im fairly confident that the less time you spend with him the less anxious you feel. What a prick (him not you).

@Sarahthecactus sorry your very wrong
Until I lost my mam I was fine,happy,job etc etc
My parents hadn't been together since I was a child
My dad knew nothing about my mam and I never asked anything of my mam
When she was ill I took care of her

Also my mam died with cancer nothing to do with mr giving her stress
My dad says things to hurt me
He knows what to say

I'm so sad for you, OP. I hope you feel better - getting out from under this loan will probably help. Try to speak to your bank.

He's mean.

I'm glad your partner is supportive op , and also your friends. Take control of this money situation with your father and limit how much time you give him. If he's not adding interest whenever he feels to you'll have him paid back much quicker! Ask to see the stupid book if you need to.

Good luck.

Your dad sounds horrible 😬 I agree with pp who says this could be seen as financial abuse. Go to CAB and see if they can help/advise. Good luck and stop seeing your god awful father, he doesn’t deserve you.

@BellePeppa

If thisnis financial abuse then what is borrowing money but never paying it back and giving no timetable to do so or even garuntee you will?

He isn't a nice man op, he is using this debt as a stick to beat you with.

Do as he asks. Pay him back and have nothing more to do with him

For whatever reason ( it may be he's a bully or just has a terrible relationship with money himself and can't see pst the debt for now) he has all his thoughts focussed on the debt. It's time for you to take control:
'I want to pay off the debt as soon as possible Dad but £200 per Month isn't sustainable; I can't afford that much and my bills which is why I keep cutting the amount or borrowing some back again. I want to make sure that I can budget better, so, every month I will pay you £100. I will not stay here for meals or stay overnight, so that I won't need to pay £30 per month towards the gas bill. This means that a full £100 will be paid from my debt every month without fail. Further, every month if I have any money left in my account on the day before I get my UC payment, I will split it and pay half into a separate account for future emergencies, and half to you to clear more of my debt.
I am still happy to come round to see you and make your tea just like before if you want the company, but I won't be joining you. '

See how that goes down: shows concern about the debt, a realistic plan to pay it off, some effort to be more responsible in future and a not to looking out for him with nothing in return.

Good luck

He sounds terrible, OP.
I'd go low contact and not visit at all.
I'd also take out a credit card or loan and pay him back the outstanding balance. You payments to loan/cc would be cheaper!

@Sarahthecactus who isn't paying it back ? I'm paying £200 a month

Your dad is a bully and he is financially abusing you. He's angry you got that extra money because he doesn't want you to ever pay off your debt in full, because then he'd have nothing to hold over you. I don't know how you can manage it, but I'd do everything I could to scrape together what I owed him and pay him off and then go low or no contact. He sounds absolutely vile and a drain on your mental health.

This doesn’t match what you wrote previously though, and doesn’t work on the timeline you’ve given. £200 per month being paid back would have seen the debt paid off last month.

You’ve also written

”Then I have to borrow off him every month to survive so my debt never goes down.”

Which suggests that you aren’t actually paying him back at all.

This puts a very different spin on how he’s going to feel. If it was supposed to all be paid back by now but you are asking him for money back each month then he’s rightly going to be getting a bit frustrated.

Your dad sounds awful OP.