I owe my dad money-he never lets me forget...what do I say?

[dresdingtable]

Last year after my mam died my anxiety got really bad and I was scared to go out etc and my depression took hold.
I left my job and started closing UC
I was receiving the bare minimum whilst waiting for Assesment.
I owe my dad £1,200 which I borrowed to pay bills /and food etc

I get £900 UC and £450 is rent
I'm left with £450
My dad takes £200 out of that for what I owe.
So I'm left with £250 for food /bills/
Then I have to borrow off him every month to survive so my debt never goes down.

He shouts at me daily and tells me I'm in a mess-I'm aware but until I get better and get back to work what do I do.

He has a book with what I Owe him and he shows me daily (I'm 24 and live 5 mins from him so rely on him as I can't really go out often )

Last month I missed paying him as I had to pay my gas bill
He's shouted at me daily about this and tells me I'm "no good"

I don't really need advice as there's none
I just wish he understood more

I would take up the bank's offer of an overdraft, pay him off with it, and then slowly pay off the overdraft. If you can't get it, TELL him you are only giving him £100 a month...there is nothing he can do to make you give him more.

You really need to stop going around to his so much. I know you miss having someone to talk to, but anyone else would be better this man...he's abusing you. I'd stop telling him all your financial business, as well...you are an adult, it's really none of his business. Obviously stop borrowing money from him as well.

I'd cut him off completely, stop seeing him, and say you'll repay him when you're back on your feet. Remain no contact until you've sorted yourself, repay him when you can, and then cut him out altogether. He is NOT a good father.

He sounds awful. Maybe he can't really afford to be lending you money, but in that case, you need to offer him a realistic amount of money per month. And stop the £30 a month for gas, that's just sick.
In the long term I would look at moving much further away from him.

The OP can’t make it through a normal month without borrowing off him again, and it sounds as though every time she asks for money, he gives it to her.

I really don’t see this terrible person that others can make out, I see a dad driven to distraction by his adult daughter being unable to budget well enough to pay him back as she promised.

You don't say how much is left on your debt. Do you know? What you're writing is very confusing to work out what you're actually paying, with you're paying with one gand and borrowing back with the other.

To be honest I can see both sides. I have mental health problems and when I was at my worst, I was totally unable to even open my mail, never mind fill in forms. So I really do understand how difficult it is. But you don't really have the luxury of putting off doing a pip assessment. You owe money which is making you ill. You need a friend or your partner to sit down with you and do the form. That way they'll keep you at it til you're done. It's definite hard to face but once it's done, and the claim is put in motion, you'll feel so much better. Anxiety is increased by putting off things that you know need to be done and alleviated when jobs that play on your mind, consciously or subconsciously, are completed. That's why good organisation is vital for anxious people. Think of how much better you'll feel when you've got the money, your dad's paid off, and you're financially secure.

After rent /gas /electric /water/council tax /credit card and pay my dad the £200
Im left with nothing for food etc so then I have to borrow off my dad to eat.
I get around £900 UC every month and that's for everything including rent.
I can't budget what I don't have
I stopped watching live TV to save on TV licence
My phone is a £9.99 a month sim plan
My broadband is only £18.99 a month-the simplest plan
I shop in Aldi
It's not a case of me wasting it
I don't have enough to live on after paying back £200 to my dad -so I borrow
The debt never goes down

Stop seeing your dad.

Stop paying him money.

Save 100 a month and when you've got everything you owe him, pay him back a lump sum and tell him to go fuck himself.

Also the £200 I pay is £170 debt £30 gas
So if I pay back £170 and borrow £100
It's only £70 off debt

OK, that’s more clear, thanks. Your claim to be paying him back £200 per month didn’t add up, and the right way to put this is that you aren’t paying him back at all, and as far as he can see, you have no plan to do so.

The question then is what are you going to do about it? How are you going to get from where you are now to being able to do as you promised, and pay him back the money that he was kind enough to lend you when you needed it?

@GCHeretic I'm trying to get better,I want to get back to work.
I am paying him at least £70 a month
It's not like I'm paying nothing.
It's hard to live off £900 a month -at the minute until I get back to work...what else can I do
I haven't got the money to give him back
I thought he would understand-the pressure of it all is making me worse.

I already feel like a useless piece of shit -you really don't have to make me feel worse.
I know he was kind enough to lend me it ...I didn't choose to be scared to leave the house,I didn't choose depression.
Who would want to feel like this ...I'm trying to get better and get my life back

I get that you're borrowing back from him but you say that the £1,200 is going down. So what is the present total you owe him? If you're not making inroads, then really the payment is a charade and I can see that is frustrating for him - even though he's not handling the situation well at all. You'd be better to pay a £100 and borrow nothing. At least then he can see the debt going down and you're seeing through your commitment.
And, honestly, as hard as it is, do the pip form. Your life is not going to get easier until your finances are in order. Your anxiety is not going be got under control until you start removing those things that make you anxious.

You’d said just above that the debt wasn’t going down. So, at £70 per month it’s dropped by £420 so far this year?

I think that you need to do two things, one is to tell him what rate you can pay it back, and why. Tell him that you are sorry that it’s slower than you hoped, but that you’ll get there.

The second thing is to stop paying him with one hand then taking it back with the other. This must be very frustrating for him, and makes it look as though you just won’t budget properly.

Work out how much you can actually afford to pay each month, make sure that it really is manageable, and then set up a standing order to have it go out of your account to his the day before your next amount lands.

Oh, @dresdingtable , I so understand where you're coming from. I remember being at a point where I couldn't go down the stairs because the front door was there and there was mail on the mat. And I couldn't cope with mail, I couldn't even puck it up. I had debts stacking up because I couldn't deal with anything. But the truth of life is, you have to deal with stuff. And every time I dealt with just one task, my shoulders felt lighter and my head felt more able to cope...until the next job. I really do understand.

My sister really was a lifesaver. She would come and sit with me and in a casual, yet resolute way, chat with me while I opened everything and she helped me deal with things. You really do need help to move you on. As hard as it is to face more assessments, you know it has to be done and your avoidance, and hence your money problems, is just increasing your anxiety which Keady to you putting off the application off even more. You're in a spiralling situation. Get some help and make your first steps.

I'm sure no one is trying to make you feel bad. I'm certainly not. It's wonderful to have sympathy and understanding, but you need to start doing something more practical than handing over the money only to borrow a chunk of it back.

It might seem 'like a charade for him' but OP says she is chipping away at it. The relevant question here is who, when they are financially okay, would insist on their child paying back a debt at 200 per month knowing that it doesn't leave them enough to buy food. And who would charge their child £30 for bills incurred when they stay over for a bit of company when they have mental ill health?!

OP, I think you should reduce your contact with your dad significantly. He isn't good for you. Not surprised your boyfriend and he clash as it's likely your boyfriend sees that he's not good for you. I would seek other company rather than pay that £30. Explain to him that you're watching every penny and you can't afford to visit him. Prioritise paying it off as much as you can and never borrow from him again.

And I'd just like to add to what I've said, I'm not giving this advice because of the money. It's £1,000, it's your dad, it's not the end of the world. I'm giving you this advice to help your mental health. That is all that is important at the end of the day. Get the money you're entitled to, get your finances sorted and have a nice relationship with your father (if that's what you want). All of these things will help you get better.

I think if you stop paying him £30 a month for gas immediately it will help you pay back the £1,200 quicker. So why not say you are not giving your Dad £30 to sit in his house. And I would not discuss money with him at all. Paying back £100 a month ( not 70 plus 30 for gas!!) and in under a year you will be free of debt.

I know you are not well enough to work, but hopefully you will be able to return to work - you may find social contact at work reduces the loneliness?

Don't let strangers on here make you feel guilty , take any sensible advice and ignore the rest . It seems like forever atm but the debt will be paid off & losing your mum at such a young age is an awful thing to happen x

Don’t go and see him, then you can pay another £30 off the debt. Do the first page of the PIP form today.

can you find out about food banks?

Don't you dare OP.

You are not a PoS. You are not irresponsible. You are trying your best and you have a nasty excuse for a father who is treating you cruelly.

Stop the £30 for a start. It's ridiculous. If he's going to be a dick, don't visit.

Your posts have made me appreciate my own lovely, generous father even more.

You deserve better than this financial, verbal and emotional abuse. Sack the debt off and go NC - it's what he deserves.

Sounds exactly like my step dad. I can't even tell him if I buy a bottle of water otherwise he will say the money should go back to him. I don't have nights out at all because I cannot be arsed with him lecturing me! It's not even much I owe him and he certainly doesn't need the money desperately and it's on a credit card that has no interest. He used to sit me down and want to know exactly where my money was going. In the end I said no. I sat him down told him any extra money I have will go to him but he HAS to stop speaking about it. It worked but still get the odd comment once a month.

In your position OP I would stop visiting your dad, and I'd send him £70 a month.
I would write to him rather than go to see him so that he can't shout at you. Take charge of the repayment plan.

Dear dad,
My income is still uncertain at the moment so it is best that I repay you a fixed amount per month that I can stick to. I can't afford the £30 you charge me for cooking my tea so I will stop coming round for the time being.

I will pay you £ per month which means the rest of the loan will be paid off in months and we will be square in **

(£70? or £100? or whatever you can REALLY afford)
** say 9 months?
say April 2023?

From dresdingtable.

Set up a standing order on your bank app so you continue to do it.

I'm sorry your dad is being mean. Most parents would forgive this loan completely or at least accept small regular payments, in an effort to help their child who is struggling.

But your dad charges you to visit him and shouts at you. Best pay him back small regular payments and not see him until you feel better. Maybe when you are better you will prefer to continue not seeing him.

But your dad charges you to visit him and shouts at you. Best pay him back small regular payments and not see him until you feel better. Maybe when you are better you will prefer to continue not seeing him.
this is the truth.

Surely he has a point though. Buying bottled water before you pay him back is really taking the piss.

Are you at least paying him a decent rate of interest?

I think your dad likes you being in debt to him as it gives him an excuse to be nasty and belittle you. Why else would he charge you so much to be at his and insist on the repayment being so high.

A decent caring person wouldn't want you to struggle.

Stop going round, stop answering the door to him. You need to take back control of the situation.

Tell him you will be paying back £100 per month via messenger.