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Original poster

I owe my dad money-he never lets me forget...what do I say?

166 replies

dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:04

Last year after my mam died my anxiety got really bad and I was scared to go out etc and my depression took hold.
I left my job and started closing UC
I was receiving the bare minimum whilst waiting for Assesment.
I owe my dad £1,200 which I borrowed to pay bills /and food etc

I get £900 UC and £450 is rent
I'm left with £450
My dad takes £200 out of that for what I owe.
So I'm left with £250 for food /bills/
Then I have to borrow off him every month to survive so my debt never goes down.

He shouts at me daily and tells me I'm in a mess-I'm aware but until I get better and get back to work what do I do.

He has a book with what I Owe him and he shows me daily (I'm 24 and live 5 mins from him so rely on him as I can't really go out often )

Last month I missed paying him as I had to pay my gas bill
He's shouted at me daily about this and tells me I'm "no good"

I don't really need advice as there's none
I just wish he understood more

OP posts:
TwoBlondes · 13/07/2022 11:43

It's possible you could be entitled to PIP, that would help you a lot

Hoolahulahoop · 13/07/2022 11:43

Stop going to your dad's. It's abusive behaviour and control. Agree a set amount of the100 you might be able to afford. Then cut down contact. Block all's and texts. The daily abuse it affecting you badly.

Letterspostname · 13/07/2022 11:48

Is your Dad struggling financially? If he isn’t then this is just incredibly cruel.

Charging you £30 a month for gas you use when at his house, WTF? Don’t go to his house.

Do you not have anyone else you can spend any time with?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Benefits
FatEaredFuck · 13/07/2022 11:51

Stop paying for his gas. Stop visiting him to explain why you are stopping supportive payments.

Ask Universal Credit for an advance payment. Tell them your bed has broken and mattress and frame need replacing. You've looked and the one you want is £495 altogether. In addition you've recently lost or gained wait and need to get new clothes. You would like the "maximum amount" available.

Repay most of your Dads debt with these funds.

The less time you spend with him and being reliant on him - the less you will need him. I agree it is an abusive relationship. You are under his feet - and while you remain with his boot on your neck you are going to be weak and need him.

Speak to your local MIND service.

Flowers
magicstar1 · 13/07/2022 11:51

I'd take out a credit union or bank loan for the full amount you owe him and pay it off completely. You could pay it back at a small amount ... maybe £100 per month, and that way you wouldn't be constantly running out of money.

lifecouldbeadream · 13/07/2022 11:53

He has to cook tea or heat the house whether you’re there or not.

I’m generally pretty strict with stuff- but that is ridiculous.

Is there a chance he’s struggling for money himself? If not- he’s being awful.

Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:56

No he's deffo okay for money
I guess tho it is his money I've borrowed so he is entitled to ask for it back.

OP posts:
Runningdownthehill22 · 13/07/2022 11:56

It’s still going to take you a year or more to pay back that amount. You can’t put up with the daily nagging for that long.

Do you have any plans to get back to work?

Any chance of a loan from universal credit?

When you visit don’t even stay for a cup of tea so that’s £30 a month you can save (never heard of anything so ridiculous as charging a visiting family member for gas.)

54isanopendoor · 13/07/2022 11:56

I think that there are two issues here:

  1. Is your Dad struggling for money as much as you are?
(ie can he afford to let you repay him more slowly?)

Two: His shouting at you-
This is NOT okay, whatever the circs, & won't be helping your MH

I'd go & speak to CAB. check you are claiming all you can.
Try to repay him asap & never borrow from him again.
I'd consider how much contact you want with someone who treats you that way

Charlavail · 13/07/2022 11:58

Can you invite your dad round for tea and then you won't need to pay him £30 gas (You shouldn't have to anyway).
Do you have other people in your life?

Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 12:02

I've got a partner but we don't live together
I'm hoping the cost of living payment comes soon and I can pay a bit more off to him

OP posts:
NoMichaelNo · 13/07/2022 12:04

Your dad sounds like a twat but at the same time you do owe him money, stop visiting him and ask if you can pay a lower amount every month.

GoldenSongbird · 13/07/2022 12:06

I'm sorry for your loss.

You're both still grieving and it sounds as though this loan has become a flash point for all the other emotions.

If you're paying back at £200 per month that is six months. You can't have long left. Either grit your teeth, don't go to your dad's ask him to your's (so the full £200 goes to your loan) or ask him to come to CAB with you. Then he'll see you are serious about paying him back and he may realise how difficult it is for you to make the payments.

DenholmElliot1 · 13/07/2022 12:10

What else does your dad help you with?

If he helps you a lot and you are reluctant to give up that help they you really are going to have to listen to him nagging and shouting. Thats the trade off. YOU need to decide whether all the nagging and verbal abuse is worth the help that he gives you or whether you can do without the help and go minimal contact witih him.

Tell him you'll pay the loan back at £10 a week and you're not discussing it any further and it all needs to be taken off the principal.

Longdistance · 13/07/2022 12:13

Has he always been like this or has he become bitter after your dms death?

Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 12:20

My parents weren't together and hadn't been in 20 years.
I know I feel guilty about the money I owe him but I will pay him back and I want to pay him back
The £100 would be more manageable and that way I won't need to borrow again off him

OP posts:
Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 12:20

@DenholmElliot1 he would do my food shopping last year but now it's just the money situation

OP posts:
iknowthismuchis · 13/07/2022 12:21

Have you told your therapist this? I suggest you do. Your dad isn't being kind to you.

DenholmElliot1 · 13/07/2022 12:29

I had a shit dad too @dresdingtable - it doesn't get better. Just start reducing contact until it's as minimum as possible. Work out what you can afford per month then tell him you'll be paying this amount every month and he is to deduct all of it from the principal.

Spend more time with other people - people who actually like you coz it doesn't sound as though your dad actually likes you very much (I know how that feels but once I acknowledged that fact, funnily enough I started to feel better).

misssunshine4040 · 13/07/2022 12:50

dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 11:08

I've tried explaining but he says it's not his problem.
£30 out of what I pay him goes on gas for his house (for what I use when I stay for tea etc.)

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

Your Dad is abusing your vulnerability. You don't need him even though you think you do.
He will be exacerbating your anxiety.

Order what you need online and pay him back at a rate you can afford and cut him off for your mental health.

gospelsinger · 13/07/2022 13:14

£100 per month is more than enough to be paying him back on your income. Decide what you think is manageable and set up a standing order for that amount each month. Make sure you leave enough for bills and expenses that don't happen regularly. Standing order means you don't need to talk to him about it all the time. Keep your own record so you know when it's paid off.

Original poster
dresdingtable · 13/07/2022 13:23

@TwoBlondes I've been told to apply for pip but I just can't deal with another Assesment and all the questions

OP posts:
whydoesithurtsomuch · 13/07/2022 13:25

This is appalling, abusive and controlling behaviour from your father.
I would stop going there for meals - my mind is boggling at the thought of charging my children for gas they use when they visit, it's insane! Also, I'd drop your repayment rate right down. If you were for example, paying a council tax debt out of UC, it would be at about £4 a week.
Your father is worse than a loan shark. It's not the behaviour of someone who cares about you. You say you're not scared of him, but your words here say otherwise.

Wolfiefan · 13/07/2022 13:30

Are you on any medication for the MH issues? CBT alone may not be enough.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 13/07/2022 13:40

The £30 for gas is ridiculous. It's like he's charging you a weird interest. And paying his monthly bill with it