I owe my dad money-he never lets me forget...what do I say?

[dresdingtable]

Last year after my mam died my anxiety got really bad and I was scared to go out etc and my depression took hold.
I left my job and started closing UC
I was receiving the bare minimum whilst waiting for Assesment.
I owe my dad £1,200 which I borrowed to pay bills /and food etc

I get £900 UC and £450 is rent
I'm left with £450
My dad takes £200 out of that for what I owe.
So I'm left with £250 for food /bills/
Then I have to borrow off him every month to survive so my debt never goes down.

He shouts at me daily and tells me I'm in a mess-I'm aware but until I get better and get back to work what do I do.

He has a book with what I Owe him and he shows me daily (I'm 24 and live 5 mins from him so rely on him as I can't really go out often )

Last month I missed paying him as I had to pay my gas bill
He's shouted at me daily about this and tells me I'm "no good"

I don't really need advice as there's none
I just wish he understood more

@GCHeretic if you're out and about and get thirsty you have every right to buy a drink. Just because you owe someone money it doesn't mean that they own you.
A payment plan should be made , then stuck to.
My mother loaned me some money a few years back. She didn't ask any questions about my monthly bills , if anything she was more concerned that I was paying her back too quickly! These horrid , grabby parents sound awful.

I think the suggestion of @Januarytoes is a very good one.

It removes you from this toxic person, continues the repayment of your debt with a clear end date and can allow you to get your head together without experiencing such abuse

I would personally ignore @GCHeretic as I think they are being deliberately goady if they cannot see that this man is being a bully

@GCHeretic

Agree. I wouldn’t be surprised that if we get the full story their is a lot of borrowing going on and always some drama and MH problems when it comes to paying back. Some people do this and always spin it as though everyone else is in the wrong even though their the ones asking to be given money then not paying it back on time. Always someone’s fault.

I’d set up a standing order for £50 per month to his account and then go NC. Keep a track of when it’s paid off and then stop the SO. It sounds very much that he enjoys the dynamics of you being in debt to him. He lends more and more so that he can stay in control and bully you about it. If he truly felt your struggles were not his problem he wouldn’t lend anymore. He’s loving having an accuse to abuse you. Fuck him off.

OP it’s starting to sound more like your constantly borrowing and making excuses as to why and then when called up on it you always say how bad your MH is and how bad people (your dad) are making you feel for being angry you won’t pay back what you owe.

I know bad MH is a drag but I’ve seen a lot of people with MH issues sponge off people in this flaky way while always feeling that they are the victim and the people lending money are being mean. It’s fairly typical.

I don't even pay that for a whole month of gas!!

He sounds abusive in many ways.

Stop going for tea. Set up a regular DD for an affordable amount (£50 over 2 years if £100 over a year?)

Then don't keep asking for his help and giving him ammunition.

@Sarahthecactus what are you talking about?
I couldn't leave the house ,I was depressed,I would cry daily and want to escape.
The money I borrowed from my Dad was money to pay my bills whilst waiting for my Assesment.
I was living off nothing
My mental health ruined my life,I had to leave my job.
Stop twisting it to make me look like I just can't be bothered to pay my dad back ...
I'm paying him back,£200 a month on universal credit is too much from too little

@Sarahthecactus mental health is a drag?
No mental health made me feel like my life wasn't worth living ...
Having to do the washing is a "drag"
Wishing you weren't here anymore is not a "drag"
It's terrifying

@Sarahthecactus if you would like to re read my message I said I don't go on nights out. This is because I know the fall out will be massive. I don't ever go on nights out not even work nights out which is paid for because I know I will have to pay for taxis and he won't be happy with that.

I would really look into using a mooncup, three birth later and tears and they are excellent. Take time to learn to use them but now they are my go to! So much more comfortable than any tampon.

Hmm, maybe the wrong thread!

@Sarahthecactus What an utterly horrendous last post.

You seem to have made up a long history and narrative that is not reflected anywhere in the OPs posts

Her mother DIED and she was, by all accounts suicidal. For a short period, she borrowed money while waiting to be assessed (no mention of a history of borrowing).

She literally cannot afford to make the repayments that (I assume) were suggested by her dad and afford to live. She is also paying probably most of her dads gas bill.

This then forces her each month to borrow to survive. In addition she is talked to like dirt

If this was a marriage people would be telling her to call womens aid.

You need to rethink the tone of your posts considering you are talking to a vulnerable women who at one point was on the brink of taking her own life.

Utter shame on you.

Saying it in bitterness? How can you tell from that comment? I said it as something the OP can relate to with her dad. I bet your the type to kick off on your kids if they buy a chocolate bar as well. Aslong as Op is making the effort to pay back there's no reason for her dad to keep going on about it making her feel bad.

@ClingyClingy

Well it’s not a marriage - OP is not entitled to half of her fathers money and in fact he has given her more than she’s entitled to, with the agreement it would be payed back, something which hasn’t materialised. What has materialised is more borrowing. Those are the facts. You call that abusive on his part - I call it flaky on hers. She may go through her whole life with MH problems, it can’t be an excuse because if it is, what will she do when dad stops lending and there is no one to borrow from and not pay back? She will have what she has now sans dads money, do you suppose the bank will be more generous?

There are some really poor attitudes here regarding paying back what’s owed (not by the OP, particularly, but by some other posters.)

Taking money from a family member, as an adult, is a big thing. Personally I’d be selling anything I could before going there, and if I still had to borrow I’d never dream of having a night out, buying bottled water, having any alcohol and so on until everything was paid back.

Dont take any more nagging or verbal put downs from your Dad It is not acceptable and you do not have to listen to it.

Don’t allow him to charge you for visiting him at his home. Everyone has visitors at their home. Surely he realises that other people don’t ask visitors to pay for their gas?
I would pay him back but don’t ever go to his home again.
If you wish to have regular contact, what about Inviting him to come for tea once a month or once every two months? Enjoy the freedom on other weeks to join a community group , volunteer or think about doing other activities that you enjoy.

@Sarahthecactus I've been paying what I can
How is that flaky ?
I can't just find a money tree in the back yard
You probably have no idea what it's like to survive on nothing.

You need to firstly ask him how much, exactly, you still owe. Then offer him £100 a month on the proviso you won't be asking for more each month. Also so going round and tell him you're no longer giving him money towards the gas, so the debt will be coming down by the hundred each time. Stick to it and don't give him any ammunition wrt what you're spending money on.

You don’t owe your dad gas money, he’s made that up.
Change your payments to him to £100 a month and you’ll be paid off in 12 months. Keep your own book of what you owe and what you’ve paid, take control of your debt.
Your dad has a very poor attitude and you need to see a lot less of him.
I’m glad you are doing better, keep at it, you’ll get there.

I think that the issue is more that you pay some back then ask to borrow it again. There’s no need to do it like this.

How much do you still owe?

Do you live with your dad?

If so you need to move out.

Continue to pay back the money, stop borrowing any more and go low contact with him.

So not because it’s the right thing to do, only because it’d cause an argument.

Unbelievable.

How do you plan to live as a grown-up once you can’t just borrow money off your family?