I owe my dad money-he never lets me forget...what do I say?

[dresdingtable]

Last year after my mam died my anxiety got really bad and I was scared to go out etc and my depression took hold.
I left my job and started closing UC
I was receiving the bare minimum whilst waiting for Assesment.
I owe my dad £1,200 which I borrowed to pay bills /and food etc

I get £900 UC and £450 is rent
I'm left with £450
My dad takes £200 out of that for what I owe.
So I'm left with £250 for food /bills/
Then I have to borrow off him every month to survive so my debt never goes down.

He shouts at me daily and tells me I'm in a mess-I'm aware but until I get better and get back to work what do I do.

He has a book with what I Owe him and he shows me daily (I'm 24 and live 5 mins from him so rely on him as I can't really go out often )

Last month I missed paying him as I had to pay my gas bill
He's shouted at me daily about this and tells me I'm "no good"

I don't really need advice as there's none
I just wish he understood more

Your responses are really goady and rude. If the OP paid a more manageable amount such as £100 without the bizarre £30 service charge dad is asking for then there would be no need for more borrowing every month. The £200 is clearly too much in the OPs situation. Money is being still being paid every month despite borrowing.

Dad doesn't need to keep lending the monthly amount just needs to be lowered so it is more manageable and to stop OP having to ask for money because she is paying back an unaffordable amount. Is it really that difficult to grasp.

I do wish people would drop this ludicrous “goady” claim that they throw in when someone disagrees with them. It’s infantile.

This sounds like financial abuse. He’s definitely revelling in this situation that’s for sure. What’s your relationship like generally, when you don’t owe him money? Pardon the irony but I’d put money on him being a nasty piece of work regardless of your debt.

£250 a month to pay for food and other bills isn’t doable so £200 towards paying this debt was never going to work out.

@GCHeretic the specific post in question was the definition of goady. It labelled people with MH problems as flaky and essentially they should sort themselves out

MN deleted it so it was clearly not meant with kindness or advice.

I've also just seen @Sarahthecactus on other threads one of which she suggests an OP who has an issue with her DH sleeping with a prostitute is probably uptight about sex and her DH got bored with her

She is obviously a troll. Ignore her

@dresdingtable did you mean above that you borrowed £1200 last year and at least 8 months on you still owe £1200?

If so I can see why your Dad would be frustrated as you haven't actually paid anything back. Being frustrated isn't any excuse to treat you like crap and shout at you.

If that isn't what you meant how much do you still owe?

If he is charging you £30 per month to go round for tea then stop going round and tell him why.

You need to talk to your counsellor about stepping back the level of contact with him, for him to know so much about what you are up to day to day and how you spend your money isn't healthy and it's probably massively contributing to your mental health difficulties.

How much of the £1200 do you still owe?

Can you pay him £100 per month? It'll be paid off in 12 months from now.

Is that not an option?

Your dad sounds horrible.

Is there someone who can help you with this? And I don't mean your Dad! A support worker, CAB, local charity.

Your dad needs to stop lending you money. He gets my sympathy tbh.

Please don’t listen to the negative posts here. From what I can tell, your mental health has really suffered since your mam passed. You’re actively seeking help to get back to work and feeling mentally stronger. That’s exactly what benefits were designed for. Give yourself time to get better and hopefully you’ll find your old self
again.

As for your Dad, it sounds like you were raised by your Mam, so did he actually fully pay his share in raising you financially? I suspect your Mam paid way more and so I’d be tempted to stop payment in lieu of what he owed. He sounds so uncaring and not what family is all about in my opinion. A break from him would probably help your mental health. Just try for a while and
see.

best wishes to you OP

Just wondering...did your own bills reduce by the £30 he's been charging you for tea and staying over? I bet they didn't.
Try and have as little contact with him as possible at least until this debt is paid off, you need some breathing space from it all because your mental health is suffering and it's not right.
I'm sorry you lost your mam 💐

The majority of people including myself don't use the term for someone who disagrees with them.

Lots of people have different opinions to me but I don't call them goady, I reserve it for people with argumentative and outrageously rude responses. Not sure why the use would considered infantile.

Nobody should loan anybody any money without realising that it may have to be written off. That's the risk you take.

Banks and other businesses that arrange loans know that. If they don't think it can be repaid they don't loan it.

If a dad can't loan his child money without resorting to emotional abuse afterwards he shouldn't loan the money in the first place. No "oh I felt I had to loan them money because they're my child. But I'll treat them appallingly if they don't pay it back to my liking." The one "good deed" is cancelled out by the other.

And a bank (or similar) knows it's in their interest to arrange better payment plans. Better for everyone.

Find out exactly what you owe your dad. Divide that by 12 - if you can pay that then pay it - don't borrow back from your dad anymore. Go to the foodbank, see if there is a community pantry, check out olio there are loads of free food options depending on where you are. You can use all of these things (except the foodbank) all the time - even when you get back on your feet to help you out. Get yourself to the local foodbank now this week if you can. They will fill your store cupboards AND will help you get your finances together and support you with your dad too.

Stop going to your dad's and Stop paying £30 towards his gas, you cannot afford it AND he is exploiting you. You say you are lonely but you have a partner... use them for the company you need- if they are not providing that then what are they doing for you? Can they help with shopping etc if you are unable to go out. Don't ask your dad for anything, don't give him the amunition to keep going back at you. STOP TELLING HIM ABOUT YOUR LIFE HE ISNT INTERESTED IN YOU BEING HAPPY!!

Good luck OP - it sounds as though you are in a bit of a headspin- but you will find your way out!