The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

So sorry for your enormous loss.

@Navigatingnewwaters What do you mean "just no"?

Exactly that 🤷‍♀️

@Navigatingnewwaters So you're saying it's okay to put people down for grieving pet deaths?

My brother when one of my DM's 4 cats died:- 'Oh well,at least it's one less mouth to feed'.
Also agree with NightmareSlashDelightful about people who trot out the 'good innings' crap. I have a good friend who is lovely in so many ways,but he will insist on saying 'Wel,he/she had a good innings', even when the person concerned was only late 60s/early 70s! To my mind,that is no age at all these days.

Nobody has said or implied its okay to put people down for grieving for their pets. Not one person. Several of us, however, have said it's not okay to compare the death of a loved one - in particular that of a baby or child - to the loss of an animal. Both are utterly devastating, but there's no comparison to be had.

Show me where I’ve said that 😡 I understand that losing a beloved pet must be devastating but no one will convince me it is the same as losing a child and that people are entitled to express that opinion to someone who has lost a child. Go spoil for an argument elsewhere.

The point about condolences is that you are trying to make the bereaved person feel comfort. Minimising their loss or comparing the death of a human family member to your uncle's hamster does not have that effect. It is actually more comforting to acknowledge the hugeness of what they are experiencing and leave it there.

I loved this too. Teen boy doing way better than many, many adults can manage.

Seriously???

I can't believe someone can be this lacking in appropriate awareness.

You don't say shit like that, that will further upset the grieving members of a family - get it now?! Ffs.

I think a lot of people simply don't know how to react. For those who want to be prepared maybe you can ask "how are you feeling?"

after I went into hospital for an emergency ectopic termination at more than 3 months into a pregnancy I rang my my line manager to give HER an update. She didn't even say hello but rather " you know this time is coming out of your holiday leave". This from a woman who had just struggled through a difficult pregnancy herself. Bitch

Exactly. I'd really appreciate it if this blabbering on about pets v babies could stop now. It's horrific to any one who has lost a child.

My grandad died and I was very close to him. My oldest friend said 'oh well everyone has to die sometime'. Yes she was correct but it was 4 hours previously. I can laugh about it now, 25 years l🙄ater.

Medically it is a termination. Terminations are carried out for other life-saving reasons as well, ectopic pregnancy is not the only life-saving reason.
I understand if some women want other people to use different words for what happened to them. But some women are happy to use the word termination for their ectopic pregnancy.

@Takingshape12 how about you don’t tell people how to refer to things that have happened to them? How invalidating and rude.

Not invalidating at all. It is not a termination. That's a fact. The EPT do not recognise the procedure as a termination. Its insensitive. I wasn't rude in any way.

I understand what a termination for medical reasons is. An ectopic pregnancy is not the same.

It’s not fact at all. That the EPT website avoid the use of the word termination does not make it fact.

Telling someone they have worded their medical termination wrong is starkly insensitive.

You do not have to use the phrasing if you don’t want to, but don’t shove your opinions on other women so rudely.

Talk about insensitive..... and again, I wasn't rude at all. In any way. My comment was worded extremely nicely. That's not rude. But mumsnet would take offence about any fucking thing.

The EPT do jot use the term as its incorrect, insensitive and triggering.

Clearly you don't give a fuck that I found the pp insulting by using the terminology. Now THAT is insensitive.

I'm triggered. Deeply upset and horrified by these comments. I knew I shouldn't have commented in the first place because now I'm back in my pit of despair. Wel done. Mission accomplished.

My ultimate boss shortly after I returned to work after my lovely dm passed away.

"i know how you feel, my dms cat died last week"

Seriously. Not even his cat, his dms. I had to leave the room.

Takingshape12 You are the one that made an issue, so don't blame others for it.

It isn't incorrect though. Its hard for you that youre "triggered" but medical terminology and facts don't change. An ectopic is managed by terminating the pregnancy via medication or surgery.
I've been there, it's hard. But words don't change because we don't like them

What? I didn't make an issue. I made a polite comment because I was offered by the use of the word termination. To me that was callous. Someone told me I'd killed my baby after my ectopic pregnancy treatment.

So I'm not allowed to call out someone when they use that terminology? But the world and its dog can have a go at me for pointing out nicely that it's not the same thing????????

I really don't understand why all the bullying on here.

Anyway, i've removed my original comment - not because it isn't true. But because I'm done.

So I'm not allowed to call out someone when they use that terminology? But the world and its dog can have a go at me for pointing out nicely that it's not the same thing????????

No, you can't call someone out for using the correct word for someting because you don't like it.

My supposed BFF told me that when my Dad died (I was 20) she knew just how I felt as her cat got knocked down the same day 🤔

Horrible comment. This poster had an ectopic pregnancy - the choice is those circumstances is stark. Where’s the compassion ?