The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

At said dm's funeral one of my relatives not close cam upt ome and said so sad about your mum-youve put on weight-i just glared at them
another older relative kept going on at the wake how comes theres not this food and that food

if you want a resturant fuck off and find one

Reading all these just makes me see how clumsy and hopeless we are at death and condolence and how quick we are to minimise it and to make crass comparisons.

People find it so hard not to minimise- I think perhaps because they’re trying to find something comforting to say and completely misjudge it.

Ps
I wish you and your family strength over the next months and years.

My mum died of a sudden heart attack at home and someone said to me (meant well)
'Give yourself a couple of weeks and you'll feel better.' It stung.

💐 💖

There are no words…

After my older sister died my MIL said “at least you had a sister, mine died as a young child”. She wasn’t known for her empathy.

The poster's family are not religious, so for them there is no better place than this world and this life, so foisting one's own beliefs on the situation is inappropriate.

Some crazy posts here..

OP - so sorry you experienced this, what an inappropriate thing for anyone to say.

in addition, in general - anything that includes the words ‘at least’ - just no. Brene Browns video on empathy (see YouTube) explains this really well !

My father in law died and my DD was asked by her MIL “how do you feel about him dying”? It was her grandad. What a ridiculous question.

Do we have the same MIL?
Mine was exactly like this with our 25 week loss. Ended up breaking her own kneecap to get the attention back on her!

I think silence is pretty bad too. I said earlier my mum died recently and her funeral was last week
My dad - loads of offers of help, sympathy cards, comments
Me - a card from a local business, none from friend or family, no offers of help. I get she was my dads wife but she was also my mum

I posted on here when she died because I was with her (my dad wasn't) and I was sat alone at home at 2am, stunned and holding a bereavement booklet not knowing what to do

Definitely. My partner died 2.5 years ago. He had young onset dementia. I heard so many “At least” comments that I stop myself if I ever hear myself begin to say at least. To anyone, about anything.

One of the hardest things is coping with sympathy when a long-term brainsick/demented person dies.

Loads of people think given the person left the planet ages ago, none of the family minds much when they finally die.

But it’s ghastly. No matter how bad a state they were in, that’s still their DH, DM or DF who just died.

The misery, worry and exhaustion of coping with years of brain disease makes it worse, not better - none of the bereaved is exactly fighting fit enough to cope with the ’at least’ and ‘relief’ remarks.

Mind you, when someone I loved died of dementia it was a bloody huge relief, but for their sake not ours. The last months were horrific. Being reminded of that, when you’re grieving the full person they had been or the full part of your life they should have been, doesn’t help.

My Wife and I were rightfully put in our place by one of her granddaughters,
when we remarked what a good age one of our friends was when she died (95).
Looking at us in astonishment she said
'What's good about dying ?'
Our only answer to her was that she was perfectly right

@JudgeJ the last boy to lead, not the best reputation, came over to my desk, patted my hand and said You OK love?

I loved this. Kind, genuine and empathetic. That is all it takes.

I dont think the lady actually did anything wrong. It's fine.

I was 12 when my dad died suddenly. A neighbour came up to me that same day and said "wow, your mum wanted to divorce him, not for him to die". I had no idea they were unhappy, so, thanks a lot neighbour.

When I returned to school, a girl came up to me and said "why aren't you crying? Didn't you love him enough?".

And similar to PP's, mum never once checked if us kids were coping or not.

I must be missing some sort of empathy thing here

Yeah, you are.

What you should be addressing is not the character of the deceased but the feelings of the bereaved.

Pillock.

It’s an awful thing to say to people who don’t believe in the after life. After death, you go to one of two places: the ground or the crematorium fire. Neither of these is a better place than life, and people trying to comfort someone with their sky pilot beliefs is unbelievably arrogant and cruel.

My grandmother died of a perforated bowel in hospital. I was in France with DH and my twat of a FIL. Mum phoned in tears to tell me. FIL was beyond irritated and kept saying 'she had a long life, be thankful'.

not condolences but when my brother was killed trolls online tried to make him out to be the worst person possible.... one even commented on the news article that the person who killed him deserved a medal as he was a convicted paedophile.... my brother was not a paedophile. he was a man with autism and mental age of between 11 and 14. he was killed in a completly unprovoked attack to which there were many witnesses aswell as CCTV...

My friends mam died, I left tea coffee, milk, biscuits, bread, butter, sugar, cat food and flowers on the doorstep. Mate at work came back after her mom died I couldnt find what to say so I gave her a cuddle. I'm socially awkward and tend to say the wrong thing but do try my best.

A scan told me my baby had died...it was still inside me . We'd tried 10 years to conceive. I was a total mess. Told my BFF, her response was "I've had a bad day too, my hamster died today" I was so stunned I couldn't speak.