The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

My grandfather had just died, and we went for a long country drive we stopped off at a sports club, where he had been a member, to go to the loo and old codger there said to my mother and aunt, "Sorry Frank (granfather) fell off the perch". It was such an inappropriate thing to say both my mum and aunt got the giggles.

When we were saying goodbye to mum after my dad's funeral, my six year old piped up "well there's been lots of crying but at least I got three days off school ". Magnificent. Made us all cry... laughing.

My mother's brother died quite young. He was a decent man, but he had a pompous and boastful side to his character that rubbed my father up the wrong way. At his funeral, my toes curled as I overheard my father telling my uncle's adult daughter, "I didn't see eye to eye with your father, he was full of hot air, but I'll say one thing for him, he always put his family first." Oh, Dad, couldn't you just have buttoned up your mouth until we were on our way home?

No matter what people say I always preferred it to nothing.

After my son died I saw people abruptly turn around in Tesco, cross the road etc. For me that was much worse than the thoughtless speech.

Some awful stories. Love and sympathy to all of you who have been hurt, when you were feeling bad enough already. Xx

My mum (an alcoholic) died suddenly in 2018. A family member said to me 'well she was good pisshead anyway.'

The sleepless, grief fuelled anger very nearly got me arrested that day.

My dh was only 19 when his father died suddenly aged 42. A man at thefuneral said to my sil, who was only 16 at the time, I respected your father, I didn't like him, but I respected him.
😮

I remember I did - I was 17 at work and a colleague had a miscarriage and I wrote in a card Get Well Soon - even now 42 years on I cringe and I remember someone saying I shouldn’t have written that. I was 17 and had no idea what to and what not to say

My friend’s boss went ballistic when she told him the day of her mum’s funeral because it clashed with an office meeting.
The boss’ manager intervened and allowed the day off, just for the line manager to say “it had been authorised but it should never happen again”

Friend reassured him he had no more parents to lose.

Yes I agree with you.

I always try to say something to someone recently bereaved after a friend told me that they found it much better for someone to say the wrong thing than to say nothing at all, and even going out of their way to avoid her.

@WomanStanleyWoman2

I told a work colleague my cat had died the day after dcat was pts.
Colleague replied I hate cats, they kill birds.

@BigcatLittlecat my jaw is on the ground

Not me but a friend - she wanted to cut her days as her husband was terminally ill and boss said "why don't you just take a couple of weeks off, you'll want a job when he's dead".

My friend was denied her grandmother (who raised her)'s funeral as she "wasnt her mum"

Similar to PP, a friend of mine was told it was "short notice" - friend said she would try and give as much notice as she could for a sudden death next time.

People are dreadful.

Not a bereavement as such, but still horribly inappropriate and crass - in my first job a lovely lady was diagnosed with terminal cancer and took early retirement. We all tried to write something positive in her leaving card but one idiot thought it appropriate to 'hope you get better soon'! What part of terminal didn't you understand?

my Dad died when I was at secondary school. She never really acknowledged my feelings of grief. One day I was really upset and she said " I've lost my husband and that's worse"

You were 17, practically a child. I hope your bereaved colleague will have understood there was no ill intent.

When I was heavily pregnant with DD during an intense heatwave I was complaining at work at how uncomfortable I felt and still had weeks to go. A 21 year old colleague said “oh well I really hope the baby is premature”. She genuinely meant well and has no idea what a premature birth might mean. She was horrified when other colleagues explained and tore a strip off her.

I was told at my 20 week scan that my DS had a condition that was incompatible with life, and that we had to prepare for the fact he would be stillborn

They offered to do more tests to find out what had gone wrong, including an amnio and additional specialist scans

I went into work the next day and sobbed my way through a meeting with HR to explain what had happened

10 mins after I got back to my desk, my phone rang. It was the HR drone to say she had read some of the policies and any time off I took for these appointments would have to be holiday, as I knew the baby would die so it wasn’t strictly classed as antenatal appointments

Thankfully my boss told me to just keep it between him and me when I needed time off, and not involve HR

somewhat ironically, she was a mum of 3, he was a childless man, but showed buckets more compassion and understanding about the situation

My mum died, of cancer, when my kids were at primary school.
I received many kind messages, cards and flowers.
One friend brought round chocolates. I know she meant well but somehow I wasn't in the mood for putting my feet up with something on the TV and scoffing chocs.

I had my son and six weeks later my grandma died. One of my mums friend dropped a sympathy card round (I lived with my gran) and said do you think it’s one in, one out? My ex also said I will miss her more. I speak to neither of them now. It still leaves me speechless years later!

These are shocking!
My husband took his own life, 2 days later his friend came over to see us and said, in front of our children “I could not of done that to my kids”………
I am still gobsmacked

'I had my son and six weeks later my grandma died. One of my mums friend dropped a sympathy card round (I lived with my gran) and said do you think it’s one in, one out? My ex also said I will miss her more. I speak to neither of them now. It still leaves me speechless years later!'

I can't understand why you would stop speaking to people due to these comments, maybe new baby hormones all over the place

When my mum died suddenly, my housemate said, I’m sorry about your mum but I need to know how this affects me, are you going to move home? She had been dead less than an hour. She never was the same with me afterwards because I didn’t get over my grief quick enough and she thought shouting at me because I didn’t want to go to a Christmas party was appropriate. In the end, I dragged my tear stained face out of bed just to get her to stop shouting. She did equally terrible things as well when she was surprised I wanted to move out.

When my mother died suddenly I was tasked with ringing her friends. One said, “You’re JOKING.”

Still not as bad as one of my own friends who, three weeks later when we hadn’t even had the funeral yet, offered, “I expect you’re feeling a bit better about it all, though? Now it’s bedded in.”

My friend got a text from an old friend when her sibling died from suicide "sorry to hear about X, life's a bitch unfortunately"

I felt that when my stepdad died that everyone was oh kiss’Mum how awful for you it must be so hard for you… not one of them said anything to to me! He’d been my dad for 25 years I was 10 when he moved in to our home