The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

"After DD died aged 22, we bumped into a 'local' whilst we were out walking. He expressed his condolences followed by "at least she won't be a burden any more".
DD was born with a life limiting condition. I was her FT carer. Life changed beyond what we ever imagined but we never ever considered her to be "a burden". Even DH who is usually pretty quick with appropriate replies was stunned into silence."

This is sadly the way some horrible people few those with life limiting conditions or disabilities, they appear not to see the person and family member at all.

My thoughts for you.

Because we don’t all believe in heaven and hell and it is inappropriate to assert your belief on the bereaved relative.
My dad died suddenly when I was 14, my brother died suddenly when he was 27, my mum who was my whole world died after an accident just 7 years ago and then my husband died suddenly the day before lockdown. I know it isn’t a competition but what no one who hasn’t experienced grief can understand is the all consuming loneliness. There are still no platitudes I can think of that are better than “I am so sorry for your loss”. There is not a lot else you can say. But if unsure even just saying - “ I don’t know what to say “is a good start
Some of these stories have made me angry but some have made me laugh because people can be so awkward. Thankfully no one compared my loss to that of an animal.

Oh wow

Well.... miracles do happen...but hopefully your colleague did get well enough to enjoy some beautiful days x

There’s a time and a place.

launching into having a pop about the deceased’s faults to their nearest and dearest when they’re mourning makes you an arsehole too.

If the closest mourners aren’t talking about the drinking, or the bad habits, then no one else should be doing so in front of them

I have no words. I am so sorry.

I found out my baby was likely to be stillborn. We only told a few people but word got round and an acquaintance came to give me a card. She put her hand on my tummy and said is it still alive?
I was lost for words

I can completely understand and empathise. Mum is 91 and has had dementia for the last few years and has not long been diagnosed with breast cancer for the fourth time - aggressive and terminal. The dementia has robbed her of her identity and the ability to even recognise her own family most of the time.

The number of people I’ve spoken to who think it will somehow be easier to cope with cancer because she has dementia astounds me. One friend even voiced the opinion that ‘hopefully’ it will speed things up and put an end to her suffering. I suppose they mean well but I’m dreading the next few months and the inevitable, because she may have dementia but she still thinks, and she still feels. And there are still fleeting moments of recognition and flashes of understanding of her situation, and I can see the terror in her eyes in those moments. One thing I do know is that throughout it all, she has been and always will be my mum. And when the end comes, as you say, I will be grieving the whole person who I know is still in there somewhere.

At the crematorium having just had a service for my dad my aunt called me over. She said "hello smiling, best place for your dad really"!! I just replied that not sure the crematorium was the "best place" for anyone and walked away. My dad had suffered with altzheimers the last few years of his life and they never visited him only called to say let us know when he dies and we will come to the funeral. Had my mum still been alive they would not have been allowed anywhere near🙄

I agree people should not be pointing out the deceased faults unless they know it is okay.
Personally, I disliked the pretence that my father was a lovely man who everyone would miss. I miss him, but I also knew he could be a difficult bugger.

I lost my mum at Christmas. She was just 67 and I am 42. It wouldn’t have mattered if my mum had lived to 102. It still would have been the most heartbreaking tragedy to ever hit my life. Your mum is your mum and forever wouldnt be long enough to have her. The void is immeasurable. Sending you so much love ❤️

@Survivingjust same. My dad died in october aged 88 and he was old and had a happy life and long marriage to the woman he'd loved all his life, five children and a brilliant career. It was a life well lived, and he never expected to live that long. He had a terrible fear of alzheimers or other dementia (his mother had it and it was awful) and he didn't even get sick - just in the last day and a half. Sharp as a tack right to the end. So it was a good death, with only a short period of pain, and we are all grateful for that. But oh man it hurts. It feels like it's the absolute worst thing that's ever happened to me. I cried every day for three and a half months, and I still cry very easily. I miss him so much.

However, I cannot compare it to the death of a child. Already after only eight months it feels much easier. Parents are meant to die, it's the natural order of things. His death is a terrible blow to people who love him but it's not a tragedy. I'm currently trying to support one of my closest friends grieving her daughter who died a month ago, and she's disintegrating. I feel so helpless - I'm trying to do what I can to help but my efforts are paltry to say the least. Everyone says there's no hierarchy of grief but there really is. I'm recovering way better from the grief for my father than she ever will over the loss of her daughter.

Back to the point of the thread - what (not) to say to someone bereaved. I think mostly the faux pas come from a sense of awkwardness - and as we can see on this thread, some things that seem totally fine, like bringing chocolates, can be taken the wrong way. It's easy to get things wrong. But generally better to say something than nothing - it's great when people say the right things, you can usually forgive the wrong things, but it's hard to come to terms with the people who say nothing. Although of course some of the things on this thread are truly shocking. I'm so sorry for everyone's losses ❤

At my husband’s funeral a middle aged woman came up to me and said “he’s dead - deal with it”. ! Turned out no-one knew her and she used to hang around the crematorium going to funerals. Husband would have found it hilarious.

What a weird and uncouth thing for her to say! As if you didn’t already know that and that you weren’t already ‘dealing’ with it. Awful

I do think it would have made a bit of a difference if my mum had lived longer. She was very healthy and I expected her to live to a grand old age. But both her and my dad died in a tragic accident. My dad's health had been more fragile. But with my mum it really did feel she went way before her time.

Everyone says there's no hierarchy of grief but there really is.

I agree with this. Losing grandparents is natural, losing parents is sad but happens to most of us - would it be better for the grandchildren/children to go first? Of course not. I don't mean people shouldn't get upset and grieve for parents and grandparents, but it's a natural part of life, especially if they've had a long life.

Losing partners and children though, that must be devastating. I can't even imagine losing one of my children.

@DuesToTheDirt there is a hierarchy. But it is also natural for one person in a couple to lose their partner.

I do think the way someone dies has an impact as well. Having your grandmother murdered at 92 years of age is going to be horrific. Whereas her dying peacefully from old age is incredibly sad, but not horrific in the same way.

True @antelopevalley re the partner - but only for 50% of us I suppose!

Yes, manner of death is relevant - whether it's murder, natural causes or accident - accidents must be hard to deal with as you'll always be thinking they could have been avoided.

I think it also matters how much your lives are entwined. All else being equal I think losing someone you live with is harder than if they live away, as you constantly miss their presence and support.

You can usually forgive the wrong things, but it's hard to come to terms with the people who say nothing.

I think everyone's different. I can easily forgive people who say nothing, and in fact would prefer this from people who didn't know the person who died (I don't want them to avoid me, but just to carry on as normal with me). But I find it VERY hard to forgive people who say the wrong thing- I don't mean things like religious comments, but any sort of criticism of me or of the person who died, or instructions as to how to grieve or 'mark' the person's death,

Maybe it is just me? But after both my parents were killed in a traumatic accident I struggle to care about anything. Stuff like someone saying the wrong thing just seems like background noise. Like a fly annoying you for a minute or two. So fucking inconsequential.

My dad died unexpectedly earlier this year and my mum’s awful, self-absorbed mentalist of a ‘best friend’ wrote her a card saying ‘I was sorry to hear about the death of [my brother’s name]’. My mum, obviously very vulnerable at the time, was genuinely horrified to read that her son was dead.

"Because we don’t all believe in heaven and hell and it is inappropriate to assert your belief on the bereaved relative."

But why can't they express their opinion. If they believe person x is in heaven, that's their belief. They're not forcing it on everyone else, are they?

I'm wondering if I'm autistic or something as I don't see the problem with most of these. What is wrong with 'sorry your wife is dead' for example?
The ones I do understand are the examples of nasty managers at work.

My Dad took his own life when I was 17. My cousin said “I don’t know why you think so much of your Dad after what he did to you”.

They are doing exactly that 😳

@Gwenhwyfar I think it’s just that it can sound a bit blunt or harsh. It’s much more common to say ‘has died’.