The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

But why do you think people want to hear your opinion (or anyone’s opinion) on this when they are dealing with the loss of a loved one? Save the debate about the existence of an afterlife for a more appropriate occasion - i.e. not when the person you’re talking to is dealing with a tragedy.

"What you should be addressing is not the character of the deceased but the feelings of the bereaved."

The funeral and the wake ARE partly about the character of the deceased though. There's a eulogy and a chance to talk about them.

"Save the debate about the existence of an afterlife for a more appropriate occasion - i.e. not when the person you’re talking to is dealing with a tragedy."

The person wasn't having a debate though were they? They were saying something that many people say all the time.

Because if it not your belief then it can be offensive to suggest your loved one is in a better place. Again it is not about you and your belief - If you want to say something sympathetic to the bereft consider how sorry you are and is there anything you can do practically to help.

And traditionally the eulogy says nice things. Generally the family or someone close arranges the funeral and decides the “tone”: is it celebratory, is it formal, is it religious? Very rarely is it “let’s roast the deceased character and slag off their flaws”.

And talking about an after life IS opening a debate. Unless you know the bereaved person believes in an after life – and in pp’s case it was very clear it was known they didn’t – it’s rude and upsetting to use your own belief as a comfort. Just as I wouldn’t attend a clearly religious funeral and say, “Well, he’s worm food now”.

@mumof2many1943 that is the worst I've read. I'm so sorry, how absolutely appalling.

@Ddot I think what you did sounds lovely and incredibly thoughtful. So often, the people who think they are socially awkward actually aren’t because they actually try to think about what someone else might want.

Speaking of the eulogy, I have now remembered something.

years ago a woman i worked with sadly died of cancer. She was a single mother, her only son was about 17. She was also very very wealthy.

her brother gave the eulogy. In it he spoke directly to his freshly bereaved nephew and reminded him that there 'was enough money to go around ' and he needed to 'do right' by his extended family.

At the wake there were several friends of the mother who collared the lad and made it clear to him that they would (genuinely) look after him and would tell his 'family' to go to hell.

I am not sure what happened in the end but I hope the poor kid was okay and not pressured too much.

"Very rarely is it “let’s roast the deceased character and slag off their flaws”."

No, but you'll get things like 'x had a strong character' and everyone knows what is meant. They're not always totally whitewashed.

How to rebuff an over-sentimental comment: when my DM died, a kindly elderly neighbour approached me and little DD, who was then 5, and said, 'Oh darling, your granny has gone to live with the angels in heaven.' 'No she hasn't', said DD. 'She's in a coffin in the ground.' The neighbour's face was a picture. 25 years later, DD still has a tendency to call a spade a fucking shovel.

I agree @Rosscameasdoody, 💐some people just have a knack of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time it's almost they have a brain-fart and out it comes before they can stop it 🙄. I'm really pleased that you have found someone else though. I'm just not ready yet, but I will be one day. 🙂

I don’t believe in life after death.

However, when my lovely mother died last year, the condolence expressions of her being in a better place or looking down from heaven on me we’re not expressions I found “unbelievably arrogant and cruel”. Why would I? They were expressing sympathy and trying to provide comfort and I appreciated that

she probably knows him from the party scene! Why not be honest and brush it under the rug

Quite. We were faced with the loss - the end of the existence - of my brother, and this patronising, smug, almost cheerful woman comes up and says, in effect, 'He's gone to a lovely farm in the country where he can play with all the other lovely people who aren't here any more," as if were were children whose dog had died.

Actually, I still want to deck her. But since then, she's gone to a lovely farm in the country.

@Rosscameasdoody It sounds like that person disapproved of you being with someone else within that time span. I think it is fine, but some people have quite strong views on an appropriate length of time before you see someone new. I have heard especially some older people having quite fixed timescales for what is appropriate.

I do not like when people basically lie about a person. So when a eulogy or individuals say someone was loved by everyone, when they were a marmite type of person.
My mother-in-law was a lovely woman, very gentle and kind. But she was not that keen on talking to anyone outside her family and preferred her animals. So many women of her age at her funeral told my DP she was like a sister to them. It was obviously the accepted thing to say for women that age. But it was not true. She was a kind and gentle old lady who would be nice to them on the street or at church, but they never visited each other.
People usually go to funerals because they cared about the person. So you can be honest about someone without being nasty. For example, father had very strong opinions on politics which he let you know about. He was also very kind and would help anyone in need, although he never shouted about it or boasted. He just did not like to see anyone struggling when he could help.
It feels more about the person then. Some eulogies are so bland it could be about anyone.

It feels more about the person then. Some eulogies are so bland it could be about anyone.

sometimes for the sake of the family they need to be.

@JustLyra I am not talking about people not that close to me. I am family too.

Presumably not the only family though?

Some people need eulogies to be bland just to cope.

if you’re the chief mourner then the eulogy, correctly, goes in the direction you want it too.

NOt the only family I agree. So I had to just sit and listen to lies.

No, it isn't

Exactly! In other words, not saying inappropriate things.

Oh wait, it’s almost as if you’ve actually read the thread title! 😊

Some people are shocking with these comments.
I can understand how some people find it difficult to speak to a bereaved person and end up avoiding them.
I could never do this. I always make straight for them, tell them how sorry I am , ask how they are coping/feeling and let them talk. Grief has no limits.

When my stel daughters mother died, I contacted dh,s sister, at his request to teĺl her this, purely as courtesy as dh,s family were nc with all of us.
She contacted dh to ask if I as lying,..I mean wtf

When my grandmother died my aunt gave the euology and took the opportunity to air quite a few grievances.

TBF her grievances were extremely valid, but it did seem odd at the time (and I recall it clearly 30 odd years later!).

A similar thing happened at DH's Uncle's funeral. One of his sons read the eulogy, got his age wrong and proceeded to tell everyone what a crap father he'd been!