The most callous/inappropriate words of condolences you’ve seen

[Eastie77Returns]

My friends husband recently died. They were a lively, party hard couple who hosted parties with epic drinking sessions and were known as users of recreational drugs. The husband died from an illness that could be linked to excessive drinking but at this stage none of us (friends of wife) know exactly what killed him.

One of our friends has written on his memorial page (I’m paraphrasing a bit): “RIP xxx. Gone too soon, you were a lovely soul. Your lifestyle caught up with you in the end but you lived life to the full and not everyone can say that”. She is not a native English speaker so I have no idea if she meant it to come across the way it did but all of us were WTF when we read it😮

I’m veering between finding it comically inappropriate and a bit callous and not sure which of the two it falls under!

We had friends over for drinks when I got the call to say that my beautiful, wonderful, kind and caring cousin had died from breast cancer. DH’s friend’s girlfriend (age 24 at the time and 18 years younger than us) clapped her hand over her mouth in shock, said how sorry she was and asked me how old my cousin was. When I said 47, she burst out laughing and said “OMG, you had me going there. When you said cousin I assumed a young person. This isn’t that bad at all.”

About an hour later she questioned why I was still upset and suggested I watch some puppy videos online to cheer myself up. Told me I was bringing the mood down for everyone.

DH’s friend then took me aside to suggest I apologise to her for making her feel awkward.

They are no longer our friends.

Miscarriage at 12 weeks - didn't know I was even pregnant.
MIL's first words to me after getting out of hospital - "you wouldn't have been able to cope with another anyway"

Yes, those were the worst for me when dh died.

Many of these are awful. Some are just clumsy and thoughtless.

The cards that say ‘sorry your (insert person here) died. For example - seem brutal but are just being direct I think. And I agree it’s better than saying nothing or ignoring.

Not quite the same but when I was diagnosed with breast cancer my friend sent me a card saying ‘sorry you’ve got cancer’. Which I really didn’t like and was quite put out. Other cards just sent get better soon wishes. In hindsight I quite like the directness. Many people at work just avoided me which was awful. Like I was a leper and it was contagious.

I also think the older generation can be quite abrupt as that is how they’ve been brought up.
Very much - stop wallowing and get on with it mentality. Not much sympathy.

theconversation.com/why-losing-a-dog-can-be-harder-than-losing-a-relative-or-friend-68207

YES. It is.

I remember when my uncle was killed in a car accident. My aunt who was 40 at the time said that walking down the street and having people cross the road to avoid her was incredibly painful. They didn’t know what to say but actually that is making it all about them and their own feelings. I resolved at the time (I was 16) to always acknowledge someone’s loss.

Any minimisation of someone’s bereavement is very upsetting. I commented upthread about a very good friend of mine who knew my dad well and who has never sent so much as a text to acknowledge his death 16 months ago, even though she knew him and how ill he was. It hurts that something so huge to me is not worthy of even a five word text from someone I thought was a close friend. She has WhatsApp-ed me saying “let’s meet up for coffee so I can here all your news!” but still not mentioning my dad. I’ve realised she wants the gossip about my life (some other things have gone on), but isn’t interested enough in what’s important to me. As others have said, the cliche of “you find out who your friends are” is very true.

There may well be a hierarchy of loss but it’s an objective scale applied to a highly emotional and subjective situation so telling someone whose 95 year old granny who died peacefully, that it’s fine and doesn’t matter is highly insensitive, as is dismissing the death of someone’s beloved dog when you’ve just lost your parent (I was in the situation with a friend’s dog about a week after my dad died). Each person deserves to have their pain free of comparison.

some of the things people have said to them are awful and actually @Eastie77Returns I think you’ve started a really useful thread as it’s good to think about how we respond to these things. Even if we’ve been through a lot of bereavement ourselves it’s still easy to say the wrong thing and trip over our words. However, it’s better to try, even if it’s confessing to not knowing what to say, than to say nothing.

sorry for your losses @VincaBlue and @SunsetandCupcakes and everyone on this thread who has dealt and is dealing with loss and the clumsiness and thoughtlessness that exists. I did find out who my friends were and some of them were amazing (not necessarily the ones who had suffered similar losses). I hope others found their supporters too.

I agree - a few people I had considered good friends behaved in what I would call a very inappropriate way when I started the relationship proper with him, which was a considerable time after we met and became friends. These were people who were married or in long term relationships, and who had dropped me from social gatherings after I was widowed - I assumed because I was seen as a threat, being single again. They were also only minimally acquainted with my late husband and yet took it upon themselves to tell me that I was among other things, disloyal to my husband, acting selfishly and not in my right mind. One even went so far as to say that if her widowed dad ‘acted the way I had’ she would disown him - she cut me out of her life not long afterwards. I find it bewildering why people - especially people who have never experienced the loss of a life partner - think it’s any of their business what you do with your life afterwards. Everyone is different, and until it happens to you, you don’t know how you will react or what path your life will follow.

@YouOKHun I had a similar experience with a very close friend who knew my Dad was dying of cancer. I sent her a message to say he had died in a group chat with 4 other best friends who had all known what was going on, and all the other friends messaged me or called me or sent a card etc. but this friend never acknowledged it. It shocked me deeply. Similarly to your friend she messaged me months later asking if I wanted to meet up etc. but I ignored it. I never spoke to her again.

@imperialminty yep, a shutter has come down in my brain and I have no wish to speak to her again. I will bump into her and we have mutual friends, some of whom know how I feel. I am not sure I can trust myself not to say something sarcastic when eventually we are at the same event. I, like you, was very hurt but now I’m largely indifferent (just with that slight need to point it out to her! Which won’t do anyone any good).

My mistake was not sticking my dad’s death all over social media to make it easier for the people who couldn’t be bothered. Those people could just have “sad faced” it and got on with their #bekind stuff. One place that I found so helpful when my dad was dying and where I got some amazing support was right here on Mumsnet.

Sorry about your dad, it’s a very hard thing to go through

theconversation.com/why-losing-a-dog-can-be-harder-than-losing-a-relative-or-friend-68207

I never actually said it was equivalent. I said to that lady, she had felt grief to that level in HER mind. You should never compare anyone's grief. That lady shouldn't have said anything but she was only (in her mind) trying to empathise and for that, I sort of understand why she blurted it out.

i was incensed personally at a woman who had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and got a grave to tend to and make a massive fuss out of everything - after I'd lost one at 17 weeks, had no grave, no public displays and frankly just got on with it.

Then I realised, the issue was with me, not her, and gave my head a massive wobble. I'm actually probably just annoyed that my loss didn't get treated with the same level of respect (when in reality, she actually made it more of an issue and that was her way of dealing with what had happened) .

I think we can all agree losing a child must beyond horrendous. Is it worse to lose an 8 yr old over a baby who didn't actually get born? Or worse to lose a 17yr old on the cusp of adulthood? Who fucking cares, because no one ever wants to have to experience any of those scenarios.

It's simply ridiculous though to say that losing a pet isn't comparable to losing a person. I'm only just back on my feet after losing mine - nearly 2 years on in an horrific accident that happened right in front of me. I've probably got PDST in all honesty.

Will probably horrify an enormous number of you on here to find that I've found this grief hundred times worse than when I lost our baby (and I was pretty distraught then) . I didn't meet my baby. I was mourning the loss of hopes and dreams. My boy was by my side relentlessly and how I processed each and every day.

Please, just stop with the 'it's only a pet/animal' comments. Because it's then becomes hierarchical, competitive - it's only a grandparent, it's only someone you were friends with, they'd had a good innings, etc etc

Just have care for the person concerned. That's all. Say nothing other than I'm sorry and I'm here for you.

@CoastalWave whatever your own feelings or anyone else's on losing a pet, people HAVE to understand the vast majority of people grieving a partner or a child will absolutely not appreciate their loss being compared to that of an animal. It simply isn't remotely socially acceptable or tactful to bring up a pet's death when talking to someone grieving a human. It's as simple as that.

Every woman reacts to miscarriages in different ways. They are very common. Some women are devastated. I was sad but quickly moved on. I know that is not every woman's experience.

My friends mam died, I left tea coffee, milk, biscuits, bread, butter, sugar, cat food and flowers on the doorstep. Mate at work came back after her mom died I couldnt find what to say so I gave her a cuddle. I'm socially awkward and tend to say the wrong thing but do try my best.

@Ddot what you do for your friends is saying exactly the right thing and far more meaningful than words.

It's common here in Ireland for people arrive soon after hearing you are bereaved to pay their respects and offer practical help - it could be landing with extra supplies to make tea and sandwiches like you do, or taking the cars to get washed and vacumned for the funeral, sorting out suits, or taking the kids off for the day for a playdate. They turn up with dinners when you are too heart-sore to cook but you still need to eat, and clean up after all the people who come in to pay their respects.

It's saying that you care, that they and the pain they are in, is on your mind and that you are sorry they are going through this. It's lovely.

I lost my husband five years ago and it took me 12 months to even begin to sort out my life. I lost my dog which made me sad, but my life didn’t fall apart. I can I suggest that those who think losing a dog is on the same scale as losing a life partner haven’t experienced the latter.

This. Thank you.

And? It's nothing to do with them! Or you!

"made a massive fuss out of everything" doesn't sound as if you're caring for the erson concerned, at all.

And I understand the accident happened in front of you, but even though in your mind it's devastating to lose a pet, it's not helpful to the person you are talking to, it never will be

My uncle's ex when his dad died
"Do you know how much inheritance are you getting?"

I agree it is nobody's business.
But I think the comment was not about the death of your partner, but about your new partner.
It surprises me what some people will judge others for.

Friends nan was at the bus stop, said to a lady she knew there "did you hear Jackie died?"
Lady said that No, Jackie hadn't died, she had seen the carers visiting that morning.
Nan said "oh no, I hope she has died, I posted a card" 🤦‍♀️

After DHs dad died. He was bickering with his brother, who asked him to cut some slack because his dad had just died.
That was a sudden death. He was a mechanic and the next day people were phoning the house asking about their cars. Twats.

@thack DM did something similar. She had two neighbours, Mavis Green and Mavis Brown. She phoned me up and said Mavis Green had died, would I put a card through the door (no idea why, she lived on her own and I don't recall any family). Anyway, DM gave me the card which I put in my bag and promptly forgot about. It was a good job I did really as when I went to visit DM I saw the supposedly late Mavis Green getting into her car!

DM found another card for the genuinely late Mavis Brown and I was sent to deliver that instead!

I’m sure we are all related . My GM was the same.

In hospital - a man was being pushed onto the ward in a wheelchair, after having a trip to the garden

’hello Billy, did you have a nice walk?’ (Spots his missing leg) ‘oh - a nice hop?’

granted - she had dementia (but honestly - she was always like that)

Reminds me of an anecdote told to me by someone who'd recently lost her dad. He'd been ill for some years and about 10 years previously had had to have both legs amputated. During some routine checks at hospital, a nurse asked him how tall he was. Apparently his response was, "With or without legs?"

Just, no.

I didn't say it was. I would never bring it up.

I just said, stop minimising animal loss. It's real and it can be horrific.