15 hrs for 2 yr olds - it’s not compulsory so why am I being pressured ?

[strawberrycustard]

Had a letter through that dd will son be eligible for this. I’m a sahm and quite happy with this and planned to send her when she is 3 to nursery.

However, I’m getting a lot of pressure from Hv especially and one comment from gp.
Dd has some developmental delay, speech delay and a few other issues. She’s happy at home and we go out a lot. I think this is enough but I’m getting told she needs to be in a setting and with early years professionals, apparently they have a way to assess children regularly but i says why can’t the HV do these assessments- what happens with other children not in nursery ?

Dd also a bit overweight as still having a lot of milk in addition to meals (she is quite obsessed and gets upset if not able to have it). Hv is saying nursery will break this cycle.

I asked if the problem possibly could be something like asd surely things like speech therapy etc not nursery would be more helpful. We just don’t know yet what the issues are .

I want to keep her at home, go to the groups we like and follow our own little routine till 3 but I’m getting a lot of pressure I feel like because the offer is there it’s being pushed on me when it’s optional !

I feel like my parenting is being questioned and as if I’m being told nursery is the answer. Dd also has separation anxiety and I don’t think she’s ready yet.

Im not great at asserting myself and not sure what to say to shut this down I’ve been saying we don’t plan to send her till 3 but there’s just so much pressure

The only way she'll ever deal with separation anxiety is to see you leave and then come back again. I mean this gently but it'll be the making of her and of you - she'll make you so proud.

I dropped both of mine off at nursery at around 15/16 months and the first day was hard but after a few days they both "got it" and the nursery was their home away from home, they loved it. Their social skills improved ten fold and they were so ready for school when it came around.

Don't put it off, it's there for a reason. It'll also give you some time to get back to you, you'll be able to prepare to go back to work if you want, or simply go shopping alone, have a coffee or get your nails done. I'm giving birth again in a few weeks and take it from a Mum of 3, if someone is offering to make your life easier accept the help.

Truthfully, you aren't giving her a chance.
Your putting your own worries first.

My son due to covid hardly seen any kids for a year, he was delayed in speech, skills, socialisation etc.
nursery has done nothing but good for him.
He has came on so much in a year.

I plan was to also send at 3, but after speaking with HV it was very apparent he needed to be in a nursery setting.
I was nervous, scared as to how he was going to be but I think every parent is.

Nurseries aren't strict, the only routine is when they have lunch and snacks. Everything else is okay based.

You really need to try it for her she may well surprise you.

This! I think this is more to do with OP not wanting to detach from her daughter. This is certainly how it's coming across

Ha, cross posted with Sirzy who said the same as me but more clearly!!

Hi op routine at a nursery is based around play and will be very gentle.

I don't agree with others that you need to leave her now and that not to do so will hold her back.
Secure children can run off happily when they are ready. In fact at NCT group it was the two going to nursery who would cling to mum in new places whilst sahm ones ran off happily??
But this isn't a debates about in general what's best for a child

This child has other needs that two medic's have shown concern over.

Op it's so incredibly hard to get help for DC with issue's , I think not trying this even short term could lead to issues down the road..

You could explain her separation issues and do gentle withdrawal .
But it would be interesting to get their views.
They will have the direct comparison between your dd and her peer's. They have access to all the milestone's they should roughly be hitting. There are many.

Can you see in anyway why it might be really helpful and that you can stop it at any time..
DC don't legally need to be in school until 5!

There are other exercises to build up the concept of object permanence alongside leaving her and coming back (although that is important). Have a Google, I wouldn’t rule out games aimed at younger children if it’s a particular difficulty for her because you need to build a foundation.

Hiding games - I wouldn’t start off with either of you hiding but hiding her toys and finding them together, memory games like having things on a tray then removing one and having her try and name it. Stuff like that.

I was honestly surprised at how much really basic stuff I’ve had to teach dd over the years, stuff I thought she’d just ‘get’. I’m now an expert over explainer because there’s so much that doesn’t come naturally and isn’t developmental and actively needs teaching for some people. it’s almost impossible to anticipate which will be which.

OP.. speaking from experience of having a child with developmental delays that turned out to be Autism and Dyspraxia, going to nursery at 2.5 made one HELL of a difference.. when he went, he could barely speak, he had maybe 5 words of his own language, and within 2 months was chattering away like an expert.. it was absolutely night and day.

I know you feel you want to keep your DD with you for another year, but if there ARE delays, then this age is absolutely crucial for making a difference, and being at nursery could be that change/chance your DD needs to take some leaps and bounds in development.

It should not be a problem though as nursery is a choice - it’s not as if she has no input at home and I’m a sahm this is my choice we had decided when she was little - nursery at 3 and I feel pressured to change my decision when as her parent I don’t feel it is what’s best for her at the current time

I would just like advice how to articulate to the hv what I will put in place at home or ideas for what I could do before nursery at 3 as planned

I'd recommend visiting a nursery, they don't all have really formal routines and of course free play is what most do. Perhaps you are confusing a nursery and a pre school setting? It does sound like she would benefit hugely to be honest.

I will do but I know she’s not ready yet for a formal routine she needs to be able to just play and gain confidence in her own time

this is exactly what 2 year olds do at nursery though! It’s not sitting at a desk doing double maths

Find somewhere that follows Montessori teaching if you want to make double sure

but in the kindest possible way, you have a very inflated sense of what your parenting can achieve for her, when by your own admission, you are making her overweight and not helping with her delays

There are obviously lots of times when we know what’s best for our children, but there are also lots of times when we don’t, and they are better off when we listen to professionals

TBH the HV is right but she's your child so it's up to you.

Honestly it sounds like you're making up excuses as to why you don't want to leave her, not the other way round. I'm all for advocating your own parenting wants but you're not following advice from people who know best and instead claiming your child has seperation anxiety so bad you can't leave the room? Every child has seperation anxiety and by this age you should actually have worked to support them through it so they can leave your side. You're making it seem as though the HV and GP are doing the wrong thing but they're trying to help your child as you don't want to

I know she’s not ready yet for a formal routine she needs to be able to just play and gain confidence in her own time she has years to adhere to routines of nursery and school but this coming year I feel like she needs to be at home and gently allowed to develop

Nursery for 2 year olds is nothing like school - the staff are fully aware that 2 year olds need to spend their time playing.

Is it in any way possible this is more to do with your anxieties than her needs? I remember panicking and thinking "he's not ready!" when DS went to nursery at 2 (having previously been with my friend's nanny in a quiet home environment). Looking back, I was also worried that the new environment might highlight developmental issues that I was aware of but didn't want to fully confront. And it did highlight them, but also ensured that they were addressed. Putting it off for another year would not have been the right move.

It sounds like it would benefit her though it's only 15 hours. I'd consider it in your position.

You are doing her a disservice because of your own fears and your own anxiety. There are more than just one or two issues to address with her and you think keeping her cooped up in the same environment and feeding her on demand till she is overweight is the answer.

Take the boody help and give her a chance.

I went through a lot of this pressure with my kids. There wasn’t any free childcare but I had a lot of pressure from family members whose kids were in nursery. Insisting that nursery is good for them and helps their social skills. But honestly I don’t think they learn a great deal of social skills with peers until after they are 3. At 2 I think she is much better with one to one carer. It may be ok in some really good nursery’s but a lot of nursery’s don’t give a great deal of one to one time and your child may be left in their own a lot.

as for separation anxiety, she will get through this when developmentally ready. You don’t need to force it. Build her trust with another one to one care giver. It will just cause unnecessary stress to try to force it.

Ok so you seem adamant that what you are doing is right. So if you just want advice on telling the HV this then just tell them. They sre looking out for your child. They can't force them to go. I think it's the wrong decision but that's not up to me.

I will do but I know she’s not ready yet for a formal routine she needs to be able to just play

This is what nursery is! It's all play-based. They have a routine in terms of times they eat and do certain things, but there's nothing formal about it. It's all just play, and they will offer a huge range of activities. I'm always amazed by what DD gets up to in a day.

It sounds like she has SEN. I wouldn’t send her to nursery at that age, especially with separation anxiety. She’s going to toddler groups, that’s all she needs at this age developmentally. I would be asking for a medical referral for a specialist to asses your child from dr/hv instead of them palming their job off on underpaid young girls in a nursery!

My daughter started nursery at 2 in September of that year. She was referred to SALT and Nursey Plus (Devon's early years intervention) within the first month. Then by January to the Early Years Complex Needs Service. This made it possible to have her diagnoses of ASD, severe developemental delay, ehlers danlos syndrome, adhd and severe learning disablity before she even began primary school. Which in turn made it posssible to secure a place at a specialist school for reception.

I am in no way saying your child has same needs as my daughter but, early intervention can be crucial. Especially with wait times for children over 5 for assessments and such being years. 0-5 is substantially less.

I’m a sahm this is my choice we had decided when she was little - nursery at 3 and I feel pressured to change my decision when as her parent I don’t feel it is what’s best for her at the current time

I appreciate it's your decision, but you made it before knowing about any of her delays / diificulties. Everything you're saying about her idicates that nursery would be a benefical next step, and although it might not be what you originally thought you would do, surely the needs of your daughter should come first?

adhere to routines of nursery and school but this coming year I feel like she needs to be at home and gently allowed to develop

I mean nursery’s are generally gentle places designed to introduce the concepts of routines at the pace of the child but truthfully, if you want to continue at home and address the HV’s concerns you may need to borrow some elements to introduce at home. You can Google early years requirements and targets to start making a plan from.

I can see both sides.

Usually SALT etc can be accessed through a nursery/ early years setting so I would consider sending her if this is available.

The truth is it's much easier to get the support you need through a setting but only if it's available through the setting.

If she has separation anxiety they should do a proper introduction and settling in sessions. So you leave for just 5 minutes and use something to show you are coming back (pictures are great - so a picture of nursery room, picture of you and then picture of car/buggy and then home). Allow her to see what's happening. But she won't understand 3 hours so it needs to start small so she can see you are coming back and when she's got this you can extend the time.

I have an autistic ds.

My advice always is to work with what's being offered (believe me you'll be fighting for things before you know so don't turn it down when it's forthcoming) but also make sure you work with them so it makes it beneficial and it's providing what dd needs.

OP, just because you decided when she was little that you would be a SAHM, it doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing for her at all stages of her development

She is showing that she has needs which are beyond your ability to meet as a SAHM at the moment. You’re being offered a way of helping her, but seem to be refusing it solely because it doesn’t fit with a decision you made a long time ago

Its not a criticism, it’s just reality

being a good parent is responding to
her needs in the best way you can

Being a not-so-good parent is saying ‘I made a decision when she was small and I’m sticking to it, regardless of whether it’s the best thing for her’

I would just like advice how to articulate to the hv what I will put in place at home or ideas for what I could do before nursery at 3 as planned

1. Tell them no each time. How often is the HV getting involved? I have only seen mine once. And the 2 year review is due soon. Why do you have to tell them what you're doing at home.

1. Up to you, you're so adamant nursery isn't right so you must have some idea what you think is right? I personally would find a way to improve the separation anxiety. I'm wondering if it would also help any anxiety you have.