15 hrs for 2 yr olds - it’s not compulsory so why am I being pressured ?

[strawberrycustard]

Had a letter through that dd will son be eligible for this. I’m a sahm and quite happy with this and planned to send her when she is 3 to nursery.

However, I’m getting a lot of pressure from Hv especially and one comment from gp.
Dd has some developmental delay, speech delay and a few other issues. She’s happy at home and we go out a lot. I think this is enough but I’m getting told she needs to be in a setting and with early years professionals, apparently they have a way to assess children regularly but i says why can’t the HV do these assessments- what happens with other children not in nursery ?

Dd also a bit overweight as still having a lot of milk in addition to meals (she is quite obsessed and gets upset if not able to have it). Hv is saying nursery will break this cycle.

I asked if the problem possibly could be something like asd surely things like speech therapy etc not nursery would be more helpful. We just don’t know yet what the issues are .

I want to keep her at home, go to the groups we like and follow our own little routine till 3 but I’m getting a lot of pressure I feel like because the offer is there it’s being pushed on me when it’s optional !

I feel like my parenting is being questioned and as if I’m being told nursery is the answer. Dd also has separation anxiety and I don’t think she’s ready yet.

Im not great at asserting myself and not sure what to say to shut this down I’ve been saying we don’t plan to send her till 3 but there’s just so much pressure

I know this to be true as when although the nursery started the application for us, when the LA initially refused to assess, it was handed back to us as parents to take forward! I subsequently became aware that I could have started the whole process myself, and had full control over it all.

By the way I started the EHCP process for my DC in November just gone. Including a refusal to assess, mediation request, then decision reversal before we got to mediation, it's just been finalised. LA's are supposed to complete the EHCP process within 20 weeks.

I was agreeing with your point @5zeds, not the bit in bold!

If your request to be assessed is refused you can appeal (and in my county this is a standard response). What actually happens is they say they won’t assesss and you say they have to because there’s a fairly obvious indicator that dd might need an ehcp (in your case she’s delayed, non verbal, restricted diet, nd the HV has concerns). Then they say ok you’re right we have to at least try and see if she needs an ehcp. At that point the process really starts. It all takes a fairly long time but is really just admin.

TBH, I agree with your health visitor. From what you’ve written I think you DD would benefit from attending nursery

I agree.

All children have separation anxiety to a degree, what makes you think it would be better left until 3 or 4?

I don't mean sound harsh, OP, but it sounds to me like you're making obstacles because you want keep her home. I'd take a step back if you can, I know it's emotional, and reassess whether your opposition is really about your daughter or upsetting your vision of how her early years would be.

As PP have pointed out, wouldn't a see how it goes approach be be best?

OP I think you've had a hard time on this thread to be honest. Other parents who have chosen nursery are obviously keen to promote that because it worked for them. That doesn't mean it's right for you.

And FWIW HV are not always right. I had a huge amount of stress in the first year because of HV obsessing about DS weight. He dropped a centile about 2-3 months and they just wouldn't let it go. BUT they didn't take into account a lot of other factors, to the extent I went to see my GP who listened and was not concerned at all, other than to comment he was an extremely alert and active baby.

I don't mean sound harsh, OP, but it sounds to me like you're making obstacles because you want keep her home. I'd take a step back if you can, I know it's emotional, and reassess whether your opposition is really about your daughter or upsetting your vision of how her early years would be.
But why SHOULDN’T @strawberrycustard give her child the childhood she wants at home? Even ignoring the delay what’s wrong with not going to nursery at 2?

Nursery is not needed at 2. Not in the child's best interests unless they are not being looked after at home. Stand your ground.

@strawberrycustard are you the poster who's HV wanted their child to go into hospital because they didn't believe how much you were giving her to eat/drink and she was classed as obese?

No that hasn’t happened to us , someone else asked me about another post too and I think there’s another poster with a similar username to mine ! My HV generally isn’t too worried about weight it’s more the foods she eats being a bit restricted.

Separation anxiety is just one factor . Yes another is that I’ve got a plan of how I want to do things for dd as well and I want to send her to nursery at 3 and just do groups etc till then. She’s getting lots of opportunities to play, socialise and experience things through the activities I do at home so her development although delayed isn’t hindered by not doing anything

This is the thing it’s a choice nursery is optional and I’m choosing to keep my child at home till 3 and attend groups and play dates / take her out myself

I wasn't sure about the posters name, just that the post was about larger nappies but there was similarities.

As an SEN mum all I can advise, if you don't want the nursery place, is to be proactive. my son was statemented at 3yrs in time for starting nursery (now an ECHP) and if possible i would use this year to push as much as possible for this as it will mean when you send her to nursery she will have the support she needs.
The referral was done by the HV to rhe hospital peadiatrician and then the community peadiatrician.

It's allowing your child to get access to the help that is required, sen parents are so often left behind screaming for this kind of gentle help and support, grab it and thank them for helping her x

Op when you have your next meeting with the health visitor tell her you are considering sending dd to nursery but you want referrals first - hearing tests, asd etc.

15 years ago I worked in nurseries. Some of the children who have now been diagnosed with autism just cried all day. It didn’t matter what we did with them they just couldn’t cope with the stimulation of a nursery. There was not enough staff to do one to one. They didn’t socialise or magically start talking. Nurseries are not for every child.

You have had some vile replies to your post and I admire you for keeping so calm. You are proactive with your child and you know her best.

OP, please don’t take this the wrong way, but just because your daughter is obsessed with milk, doesn’t mean you should give it to her all the time. Most children would choose sweets or crisps over vegetables; it is up to their parents to ensure that they don’t get to make that choice, no matter how much they stamp their feet and cry. It sounds to me that your health visitor and GP have legitimate concerns about some of your parenting choices, and they are recommending a nursery place to get your daughter the guidance (discipline if you like) they think she isn’t getting at home.

They do this all the time now - pass the buck to the nurseries instead of providing any real support themselves. And out of every three funded 2 year olds, one needs 1-1 support. No way can nurseries provide this, so the government funds it through SENIF payments. It’s insane - it must be costing the country a fortune, but such is the state of some of these children, and it’s mostly down to misguided (bad) parenting. Sorry, but someone needs to say it because unless things change, this country is going to be a basket case in 20 years time.

My ‘parenting choice’ was to ensure my child didn’t dehydrate at a time she would only accept cows milk. We now follow advice to water it down and she will also accept water. There’s nothing for the gp or hv to be concerned about as I was making the right choice so she was taking in adequate fluids.
Her dietician referral was just as much about a restricted diet as it was for being (slightly) overweight although I do wonder if she’s just big and tall and that the weight isn’t actually that much of an issue - the hv said herself it wasn’t a big concern but she wanted to nip it in the bud just in case .

They cant force nursery and I definitely do not want my 2 year old disciplined when she won’t understand. She is getting 1-1 with me and we go to lovely groups, days out and she has play dates she’s not lacking in anything and i won’t be sending her to nursery till 3!

Our schedule for the last few months has been
-Mon and Fri am go out (farm, park, shops,etc)
-sometimes go to a Mon aft music group or if not do baking/painting or play in garden.

-tues and thu- groups at childrens centre - stay and play where they have toys, dough, snack time, song time.

-wed we usually have a play date

-weekends we are doing things as a family.

i think this is enough !!!!

I’ve seen on a wed and thu aft there are sensory sessions we could possibly attend too so I may add those

Well, they are concerned or they wouldn’t be trying to force the issue.

The Tuesday and Thursday groups are basically like a nursery session so I don’t feel she is missing out but with the advantage of me being there as her safe ‘base’ she will go off but keep coming back to me and I’ve noticed each time she does a little more so she is making progress but she needs me there to feel secure

its not like I have to rush this to go back to work or anything which I’m really grateful for and feel in a privileged position that I have the option to wait till 3

They are going to have to realise I have a choice and I don’t have to do what they say. They can be as concerned as they like but I know I’m doing the right thing for dd

I’m able to tailor things to dd as well - a nursery won’t be able to do that she will be expected to fit in and I’m not sure yet if she has SEN so ‘fitting in ‘ may not be easy and could cause trauma id much rather take things slowly and see how she develops and then think about support or ehcp for wheh she attends aged 3.

OP, let me put it another way. They are not convinced your daughter has special needs. (No wonder when 1 in 3 children now have special needs according to their parents.) They think your parenting has caused your child to have developmental delays. They want to see if going to nursery makes a difference to her overall development before labelling her ‘autistic’.

I understand why they are doing this. It cannot be the case that 1 in 3 children are autistic, despite what you read on Mumsnet.

Sounds like you are doing a good job op. Your baby is so young there really isn’t a “need” for them to be in childcare setting yet.

@EYProvider Well, they are concerned or they wouldn’t be trying to force the issue. their “concern” does not mean they are right.

When it's coming from more than (considerably more than, by the sound of it) one source, it'd probably be wise to assume they're not all wrong.