I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

[BluebellBeanz]

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

@WimbyAce @maythe4thbewithme knows all about ivf. She has become incredibly nasty an judgemental about women doing ivf and their choices since having success at ivf herself.

@BluebellBeanz please ignore all her nasty judgemental posts!

Really? In 2022 you'd prioritise a wedding over a family and frown on an unmarried couple?

Honestly take this as a sign not to bother with them anymore. They've made it clear they're favouriting your sister with the "we wish we could help" comment.

OR. if you just want some cash, lie and say you're getting married and ask for trh same amount as your sister, see what they say.

@Laurieloop

Nope not me. And not judgmental at all. Really don't care what protocol people do it's up to them.

Yes you're overacting, BUT it's really shit of them to give you a stupid, novelty gift. I'm sure you'd probably be happier to get nothing thank that. It's not worth taking out over, but I think you are allowed to be annoyed privately.

Honestly, OP, you've had some absolute twatty answers on this thread.

You're asked what you want.
You say, and give a solid reason why.
They then don't bother giving you what you asked for because they cannot afford it whilst simultaneously giving your sibling hundreds of pounds.

I'd be hurt, too. Ultimately, though I'd let it go.

Unless it was the latest in a lifetime of hurt from your parents - then I'd have to think more on that and what I wanted to do about it.

Really! Not judgemental?

• You’ve just criticised op for not waiting for her free round despite knowing how many women are too old or have something like DOR to wait - but don’t let it stop you getting the boot in
• depsite saving for a round and half yourself by being frugal you criticise op for doing the exact same
• you’re hassling her to get into debt (why? Bitter about your own situation?)
• You’re belittling her and acting like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about when it comes to ivf
• You’re implying she wants others to pay for her ivf when she hasn’t said that at all

Must’ve missed the post where you had anything nice to say to someone going through infertility given you went through same? Guess it’s easier to be mean. And I’ve seen plenty of mean posts from you on these boards!

Jesus, give over, will you? That posters says she's not who you've decided she is.

I do think it's sad that they seem to have given Op's sister so much money that they can't even offer a loan.

OP , I'm so sorry to read that you've hade some really callous and daft responses on here.

I'm not sure how I'd have reacted upon receiving a toy drum kit when having specifically asked for a donation towards IVF.

My initial response would have been that a toy drum kit would signify a drum roll to a good few pennies towards your treatment.
However, this appears not to be the case.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you both good luck.

My sibling was often given money that she asked for when needed.

I didn't need, didn't ask so wasn't given.

It kind of feels like being penalised for managing somehow.

Still only a fiancé after FIFTEEN years together. 🤔😂

Purple daisies, my message was intended for the OP, not you. I've been through IVF myself and am quoting what a Dr. told me, stress has a negative impact on blood flow to the uterus. Please don't come on here to pick at people who are genuinely trying to help.

Want to try for a child but not get married?

@Johnnysgirl oh ok. It must just be a coincidence there are two women on mumsnet who did the same number of rounds of ivf, had twins from latest round at the same time - funded each round in the same way right down to specifying that they ‘lived like they had a child for 12 months’ and tend to make spiteful comments to women undergoing ivf. My bad.

I conceived easily {Young} so cost me nothing. {I had enough for a house deposit, as did DH.
But if someone is that worried about £20 or a £4 drum kit, that is a footling amount compared to what kids actually cost when they are here.
The expense never stops, as often parents then help adult children with house purchases , University &c not to mention loss of earnings for the mother and childcare if one needs it.

Having had several private IVF cycles I am a bit surprised you asked if I am honest. £20 is such a small amount in the scheme of IVF costs it sounded like you were digging for them to offer you money for IVF. So I would not be surprised if they give you some money for your IVF and its more than £20.

@LoisLane66 …why are you being so nasty? Does it make you feel good about yourself?

@LoisLane66 you are utterly vile.

Yes. That's correct.

IVF parent here. I totally get this.

I was worried sick about the cost when I realised we would have to go down the ivf route. Incredibly stressed as I didn’t know what our CCG would fund.

My parents could have contributed financially but chose not to because they thought (based on sweet FA) that it was a pipe dream. Knew we were saving for it. it was super frustrating.

You could speak to them about it but be prepared that you might not like the response.

Turned out that actually our NHS funding, which was for one full round, was actually not bad. It included an egg retrieval with all the scans and meds, then three transfers. Then storage of remaining embryos for two years.

I appreciate that you’ve said you don’t have time to waste and that with infertility exactly why you are not getting pregnant is directly linked to how successful you might be, but I’d urge you not to do what I did and stress about it only being one round. IVF is a fucking casino but if you are lucky then one round is enough.

My advice would be to keep saving but do pursue what you are entitled to on the NHS.

Best of luck x

OP.. please consider a crowdfunder and put link on here. I'll donate a few quid. Xx

Thank you. It isn't the first time, that's for sure.

Oh my parents have since apologised (kind of) and are besotted with their grandchild. I’ve let it go… more of less ;)

That's very kind of you- thank you. We will do our best to save ourselves before considering that option...but honestly, the thought that a stranger would contribute makes my heart smile. ❤️