I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

[BluebellBeanz]

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

You are not the only one on here who had been through IVF. There is not convincing evidence that stress affects IVF outcomes. It is wrong to tell posters that it does. You should expect to have misleading information challenged.

That would be our preferred way to do it, but we just don't have the time. We're still pursuing the NHS route but we've realised that our Plan A has to be the self funded route. So glad it all worked out for you. Its good to have some inspiration.

I’m so sorry op that you’re in this position and I think the more you post the more it’s abundantly clear this is about the need for ivf and the cost, which is understandable. Even twenty quid is critical to you, for a birthday that’s not even yours, and you sat and searched the packaging hoping for that money.

I think this is a communication problem, your parents didn’t realise just how important that twenty pounds was to you and as they have just contributed to your sisters wedding and feel skint they didn’t fully grasp that they couldn’t give your husband a low cost joke/gesture gift but needed to hand over twenty pounds ro your ivf Journey and that you’d be searching through the wrappings to find it. I suspect if they knew it had come to this they would have given you the twenty pounds directly.

Could it be a joke present for your future possible child, as in "here's a drum kit for baby x?" (My ex thought it was a good idea to give a drum kit to our 1 year old granddaughter!) That's about all I can think of.

"Frown on", no. But yes, I would absolutely prioritise getting married before TTC, even if that meant a short engagement and a small wedding. My husband was in his 40s when we met, and we had a short engagement because we wanted to get married without undue delay so we could start TTC. I have a well-paid professional job and am fairly financially independent, but I still wouldn't have had a child without the protection of marriage. Apart from the odd very niche scenario in which marriage really makes no financial sense, I do raise an eyebrow when women deliberately conceive without being married, because often that decision leaves them very vulnerable.

When we did IVF (admittedly 11 years ago), we had to do the NHS route first or we wouldn't qualify. Is that not the case anymore?

Sorry to hear you got messed about. A year and they tell you you are on the wrong pathway?!?! Ffs.

nhs services in this country are a lottery. I think we just got lucky that at the time we had a good gp and got referred on to a great clinic.

If you are in London (or even if you are close by) I’d recommend kings fertility. They do NHS and private, don’t inflated their prices and they were excellent with us - honest/straightforward. I’d pay to use them next time.

Wishing you the very best xx

In what ways does not being married leave women vulnerable?

@BluebellBeanz I said upthread that you need to prioritise getting married over everything else, if you are going to TTC.

The length of your relationship will count for very little if you split up and you are not married. If you're married, your entire relationship is taken into account when working out a financial settlement. Not that you are going to split up (I absolutely wasn't, until I did). But it's much better to have that particular box ticked before you have children. It's almost always the woman who ends up doing most of the childcare, and whoever does that takes a big income hit. If you're not married, your contribution is regarded as zilch. If you're married, it's regarded as pretty much equal to that of the main earner. If you haven't contributed to a mortgage, for instance, you have no rights regarding your house. There are endless posts on here by women who have been completely financially stuffed by having children and not being married.

Of course, if you are a huge earner and your partner would be a SAHP, you have nothing to gain from being married, and he has much to lose!

Just to bang on about this again, @BluebellBeanz : I was a SAHM for about 15 years. XH and I were together for over 20 years in total, married for 10. When we divorced, I had enough money to buy a smaller but very lovely house without a mortgage, in an area that meant the children were able to stay at their schools and close to their friends. If we had been living together but hadn't married, I dread to think where I would have ended up financially. Given that XH turned out to be a monster, marrying him was the best decision I could have made, apart from never meeting him in the first place.

@BluebellBeanz please please please prioritise getting married. Don't think of it as a "wedding" and waste of money. Nip to the registrars & pay the minimum and get it done.

So so so many women have been shafted by not being married.

It's NOT about the morals but about protection for you. Marriage is a contract & you gain rights.
Please please don't conceive without this if you have at all a choice. Ie if your dp is willing. If he's not willing, please have a re-think.
Xx

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences#:~:text=Your%20legal%20rights%20as%20a,than%20if%20you're%20married.

There are lots of things. If you separate, as a wife you may be able to receive a share of his pension or other assets in his sole name if appropriate. You may be entitled to spousal maintenance (although much less common now, it is still awarded in some situations - I know of three cases in my social circle). There are also big inheritance tax implications. In my case, we both have a similar earning capacity and similar pensions, so I wouldn't expect spousal maintenance or a big pension share on separation, but the IHT ramifications alone still made marriage a no-brainer for us.

Having read the whole thread, I understand and applaud your wish to self fund as much as possible and kudos to you for not being the type to drown in debt for a cause, no matter how just that cause may be.
Your determination (through putting yourself through uni, paying half house deposit etc) shines through and I, like another poster, would be happy to help you try to achieve motherhood by donating via a Go Fund Me type of site.
I wish you luck and a very happy future.