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Original poster

I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

263 replies

BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 15:20

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

OP posts:
Boredsoentertainme · 07/06/2022 16:05

As a pp said ivf is thousands, if you need twenty quid then it’s difficult to understand how you will get several thousands.

is the anger maybe because you are so worried as you know you can’t afford it?

Original poster
BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 16:06

ancientgran · 07/06/2022 15:54

I'm sorry about that. Is it worth trying for NHS funding in case your paid for attempt isn't successful? I hope it is but it might be useful to have a free back up.

Good luck.

Show quote history

Thank you. Yes, we started goi g down that route as a back up. We've already wasted a year after being told that we'd been put on the wrong 'pathway' so had to go back to square one. I'm positive that we'll get there though.

OP posts:
UrsulaBursula · 07/06/2022 16:08

BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 15:46

They've told me that they can't afford to because they have just paid for my sisters wedding.

@BluebellBeanz

I think the clue is there - they can’t afford to give more. Be thankful and let it go

Coachwork · 07/06/2022 16:11

You'd potentially fall out with your parents over £20? Or were you hoping they'd stump up a much bigger amount, why else would you mention the wedding?

simonthedog · 07/06/2022 16:14

I think you are right, a miniature drumkit is a total pointless waste of money that you could have used towards something you really wanted. i would be upset too.

Original poster
BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 16:14

Boredsoentertainme · 07/06/2022 16:05

As a pp said ivf is thousands, if you need twenty quid then it’s difficult to understand how you will get several thousands.

is the anger maybe because you are so worried as you know you can’t afford it?

We've saved over half so far by being really careful with money. We could get a loan but we are trying to be sensible because we hope, at some point, that I will be having a period of maternity leave and I don't want to be paying a loan off at that point. We're trying to be sensible. The anger is more directed to my mum agreeing to add a small amount to the IVF pot (and it was acknowledged that it might only be small but every single contribution helps) and then they've just wasted £4 on a toy drumkit. I just don't get it.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 16:16

BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 15:43

I get what you mean. We also had the same scenario with my fiancés parents and they gave him £40 so that, with some other birthday money, will actually pay for half of the next test we need.... so it all adds up.

If money is that tight, can you actually afford to continue with this? Confused
These are relatively small amounts?

Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 16:19

The anger is more directed to my mum agreeing to add a small amount to the IVF pot (and it was acknowledged that it might only be small but every single contribution helps) and then they've just wasted £4 on a toy drumkit. I just don't get it
Oh, come on... If you're nickel and diming like this now, you're really not in a position to carry on anytime soon.

Original poster
BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 16:19

UrsulaBursula · 07/06/2022 16:08

@BluebellBeanz

I think the clue is there - they can’t afford to give more. Be thankful and let it go

Show quote history

I don't expect them to contribute a huge amount. I never asked for that. They asked what he would like for his birthday, I had no other suggestions - other than an an IVF contribution, if they insisted on giving him a gift. Then the drumkit. If they'd said to me that things were right and they couldn't afford to get him a present, or said that we should all not give gifts this year, then perfect! But they asked, I suggested and they agreed.....and then they gave him a child's toy.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 07/06/2022 16:21

hopefully they will explain, if they havent already

ivf is all encompassing for you by the sound of it, but not them

Snitchedfluffle · 07/06/2022 16:23

Yes. I think you’re overreacting, I’m sorry.

have you looked at going abroad for ivf?

there’s a Facebook page ran by a couple who had their child abroad (it’s not mine btw- I just follow it).

ive heard it’s much cheaper & they help you find reputable clinics etc…?

might help with your budgeting?

ladydimitrescu · 07/06/2022 16:25

You're over reacting massively. Would you honestly rather have had £4 coins taped in the card? A little gift looks more thoughtful than that - they can't afford more.
Let it go. Bring cross is ludicrous. This is nothing to be remotely bothered about.

I do agree you are annoyed they've paid for your sisters wedding, and by asking for ivf money were hoping they'd give you a big chunk of it.

Chikapu · 07/06/2022 16:25

It's ridiculous to be livid about £20 and an as you see it 'wasted' £4, what realistically could you have done with that?
It's embarrassing to be quibbling about such low amounts of money.

Original poster
BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 16:26

Snitchedfluffle · 07/06/2022 16:23

Yes. I think you’re overreacting, I’m sorry.

have you looked at going abroad for ivf?

there’s a Facebook page ran by a couple who had their child abroad (it’s not mine btw- I just follow it).

ive heard it’s much cheaper & they help you find reputable clinics etc…?

might help with your budgeting?

Thank you for being honest. Yes, we're speaking to a clinic in Greece.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 07/06/2022 16:28

Is it less about the money and more you feel they aren't being supportive of your plans as they sent a joke item instead?

Zippidy123 · 07/06/2022 16:28

Chikapu it's the principal of it though surely? If my child was saving for IVF I'd give them anything I possibly could towards it, even if it was a fiver! It does all add up-thats the first rule of saving surely? Every penny counts!

AmaryIlis · 07/06/2022 16:35

Sorry, way off the point, but - fiancé of 15 years? What's the point?

DolphinaPD · 07/06/2022 16:37

Maybe they are going to give you both a decent amount towards it, at Christmas or something.

piratehugs · 07/06/2022 16:38

Completely different scenario but it reminds me of when I was a child and my dad was made redundant, my mum had an absolute fit when I spent 20p of my pocket money on a little rubber toy. It was my money and a drop in the ocean compared to their bills, but I guess she couldn't bear to see such frippery when she was so stressed about finances.

I think I'm saying I sympathise, even if you're being a bit U.

Mellowyellow222 · 07/06/2022 16:39

I agree it seems odd. Are you sure you haven’t missed some cash rolled up in the present or card?

you mentioned they paid for your sisters wedding. Is that was secretly you are annoyed about? Is there a wedding find for you?

my parents would have the conversation about using wedding money for ivf. The ivf is more important.

lightunderthesea · 07/06/2022 16:41

To be honest OP, it all seems a bit strange to me. It sounds like you may have embarrassed your mum with the whole asking her to contribute the usual 30ish quid as a birthday gift to your IVF fund.
I may be wrong but I would interpret that as you guys basically not realistically having the financial means to access this treatment, and were letting your parents know by putting anything you could get towards it, kind of thing. A bit like if you mentioned you needed something relatively small but you wouldn't buy it because you were saving for this other thing. It could make a parent feel uncomfortable in my opinion, especially if as a parent you hadn't planned to contribute and having more than one child you would have to factor in keeping things fair.

DogsAndGin · 07/06/2022 16:41

Of course it’s disrespectful to buy anyone such a naff present. I’d put it straight in the bin!

MsJinks · 07/06/2022 16:41

It sounds with the drum roll that they did plan to put in some cash - probably small hence drum roll maybe a joke?
My parents forgot a cheque for one of my kids’ birthdays before a couple of times, but yes it’s super awkward mentioning it - once my dad realised himself at the next kid’s birthday, and got very upset and panicked he’d forgotten and said I should have told them before so no real winning in avoiding the topic there. I never wanted them to have sent something that went missing but didn’t mind if they just forgot or something of course, then found they did mind forgetting - but making that call on what happened, what was intended, isn’t easy!

If you think it’s an oversight then could you just thank them perhaps, very specifically for the drum kit and see if they say anything? Otherwise just try and appreciate they couldn’t put anything in but felt too awkward to say maybe at the time they asked what was wanted.

Very best of luck with the IVF.

HawthornLantern · 07/06/2022 16:42

I would be upset. This is not about the amount of money. It is the fact that is (a) not money at all, which would have been practical, however small the amount, and (b) a gift that is so odd it could be seen as trivialising your situation. It may well have stirred up feelings about wider family dynamics. That said you probably won't get peace of mind by raising the issue unless you can do so while feeling genuinely light-hearted about it.

HawthornLantern · 07/06/2022 16:42

And absolutely the very, very best for the IVF