Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

263 replies

BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 15:20

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

OP posts:
WhatASmashingBlouseYouHaveOn · 07/06/2022 20:30

For what it's worth OP I totally understand your feelings and frustration. Whether it's £2 or £20 why waste it on buying plastic tat when you didn't ask for it? They asked what would like, you gave them an answer, so why go and buy something you don't need or want? If you asked for some haribos and they gave a mini drum kit how is that any better? At least the money asked for would be of use to you. It's not up to others to judge how the money is used or if its "enough" for anything. Good luck with everything OP xx

Pegasaurus · 07/06/2022 20:31

I'd be cross too. Why ask and agree to cash and then buy a pointless piece of junk? If my child was in this situation I'd be doing my best to help out financially.

And I'd rather have nothing than a miniature drum kit.

Good luck, op.

saleorbouy · 07/06/2022 20:33

For £20 they might let you ring the doorbell at the clinic. I think you need to get some context here of the cost of IVF and separate the gift from your IVF requirements.
IVF is a tough emotional road so I'd set your family up to support you not create petty arguments with them.

Bordesleyhills · 07/06/2022 20:35

All I can say is best of luck for your ivf, wanting a child and not getting pregnant is so hard especially when others around you get pregnant so easily.

WimbyAce · 07/06/2022 20:36

What is your relationship like generally with your parents? It is totally up to them about the money thing and there is no obligation at all for them to help you out (even though it seems unfair after your sister has had a big hand out) but the toy just seems deliberately unkind.

Pebble55 · 07/06/2022 20:43

OP you've had some right arseholes answer this thread.

We had put together enough money for 3 IVF cycles, after combining savings and selling some assets. Our parents told us we were stupid for not trying earlier (my DP was 39) and needed to 'relax' more. Financial help was never suggested nor implied. Now the child has been born (after the lucky charms fell on our side) the grandparents cook dinner for us once a month and buy the odd toy or book.

Do not get your expectations up with grandparents. They're all self-entitled baby boomers these days and only want grandchildren so they can show photos to their friends. You're on your own

onlythreenow · 07/06/2022 20:46

You're livid because your parents didn't give your fiance a small amount of cash for his birthday??? Yes, you are overreacting - massively. You can suggest a gift when someone asks what to give someone, but the giver is not obliged to take up the suggestion. Let it go.

Ivyy · 07/06/2022 20:48

Op have your parents ever offered to help you out financially in the way they have your sister? Do they favour her?

I'm wondering if the unfairness is because she's the golden child, have they ever offered to help you out financially in the past? Perhaps they're very traditional and see offering financial help towards a daughter's wedding as a priority over anything else in life?

All that aside, I really sympathise with you op, ignore the ridiculous comments about you being a spoilt princess that are totally missing the point of your post. Ignore the comments saying that you can't afford to have children, apparently because you don't have thousands of £'s going spare to start IVF right away! Again missing the point and the details of your posts completely. Honestly I'd just ask your mum "what's with the toy drum kit mum does dp have a secret drumming hobby I don't know about lol" Or be direct about it, either way if it was me I'd genuinely be intrigued to know what the toy drums are all about if your dp doesn't even play or have an interest in drumming! It's really bizarre, I'm thinking it was either a token joke gift and they forgot to put the £20 in the envelope (or even £10, £5 or whatever) Or unfortunately your mum has been totally insensitive towards the situation and chosen to ignore your conversation. Has she / your parents ever done something like this before i.e ignoring a conversation / issue or being insensitive about something?

Wishing you the best of luck with the IVF op, I've been through infertility before having dd so I really empathise Flowers

onlythreenow · 07/06/2022 20:48

Do not get your expectations up with grandparents. They're all self-entitled baby boomers these days and only want grandchildren so they can show photos to their friends. You're on your own

I don't think grandparents are the self-entitled people these days!!!!

Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 20:53

Do not get your expectations up with grandparents. They're all self-entitled baby boomers these days and only want grandchildren so they can show photos to their friends. You're on your own
No, that's your personal experience. You sound very bitter.

OvaryActions · 07/06/2022 20:54

LoisLane66 · 07/06/2022 20:12

Want to try for a child but not get married?

Eh? Confused

LilyMarshall · 07/06/2022 20:55

Does your sister have children?

i wodner whether they disapprove of you having a child before being married which is why they wont contribute at all.

Heyisforhorses · 07/06/2022 21:04

As someone who has spent a fortune going down that route, get the loan, the unpaid leave comes later, you have to get pregnant first and putting it off just makes you a year older.

Put this issue of the drumkit aside, that seems a whole other sore point, put it away and focus on your own goals. I get your irritation but expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.

Wishing you the best of luck, i hope to read that in a few years time there's some little human wrecking your head with noisy drums x

Sodthatforagameofsoldiers · 07/06/2022 21:10

It's weird they would seem fine with it as a suggestion but not follow through. Honestly in your position I'd have said to my mum that I thought there was going to be cash in the card and I was worried it was lost as I couldn't see it. Not to be twatty to my mum, just that I'd assume it genuinely was lost! If that inadvertently opened up a discussion about the gift more generally (ie they didn't want to give it or couldn't afford it) then fair enough. I've got a really close and honest relationship with my parents though so they wouldn't take offence.

On the IVF - best of luck. Our two miracles were both courtesy of the NHS and we are so lucky and grateful. If I ever win the Euromillions my share will go on funding IVF for others.

Sswhinesthebest · 07/06/2022 21:16

I’d be hurt too. If they had limited funds, wouldn’t a future grandchild be a better use of money than a bloody wedding cake!

newbiename · 07/06/2022 21:16

Blowyourowntrumpet · 07/06/2022 18:38

OK. You sound like an ungrateful princess kicking off.

She hasn't kicked off Confused she's posted saying she's a bit pissed off.

IvorCutler · 07/06/2022 21:19

Haven’t read the full thread. Were you asking for them to contribute £20 towards IVF in the hope that they’d actually give you a lot more? That’s the vibe I’m getting.

They are lovely to think of your partner at all! My parents don’t even give me a card, let alone my dh (and I am fine with this because it’s not expected).

Original poster
BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 21:20

Folklore9074 · 07/06/2022 20:23

IVF parent here. I totally get this.

I was worried sick about the cost when I realised we would have to go down the ivf route. Incredibly stressed as I didn’t know what our CCG would fund.

My parents could have contributed financially but chose not to because they thought (based on sweet FA) that it was a pipe dream. Knew we were saving for it. it was super frustrating.

You could speak to them about it but be prepared that you might not like the response.

Turned out that actually our NHS funding, which was for one full round, was actually not bad. It included an egg retrieval with all the scans and meds, then three transfers. Then storage of remaining embryos for two years.

I appreciate that you’ve said you don’t have time to waste and that with infertility exactly why you are not getting pregnant is directly linked to how successful you might be, but I’d urge you not to do what I did and stress about it only being one round. IVF is a fucking casino but if you are lucky then one round is enough.

My advice would be to keep saving but do pursue what you are entitled to on the NHS.

Best of luck x

Thank you for your comment. I'm so glad you were successful with IVF after a bumpy ride. It's such a daunting path to have to take and one that you can't really understand unless you've been there. I've got a lot to learn still.

Your advice on pursuing the NHS treatment is spot on. That's our plan B. Having wasted a year chasing appointments (after a two year crawl to even get our first appointment during covid, to be told that I'm on the wrong pathway and will need to go back to the start doesn't fill me with much hope. My 'first' appointment on the correct pathway isn't until December. I'm discussing that with PALS.

Fingers crossed we get there.

OP posts:
CrankyFrankie · 07/06/2022 21:25

I totally get where you’re coming from, OP. Do they definitely ‘approve’ of you having/paying for IVF? It seems like awful double standards on their part, makes me sad that they have fork for this kind of display of favouritism.

i would probably not be able to leave it. I would say calmly while you’re face to face and somewhere within the subject: “oh, and did you mean to put money in DH’s card, for the IVF fund, like we agreed?” (Soften with ‘I’ve been worrying I somehow threw it away/it got lost’ if you like!) and then watch them squirm / have a frank yet mature conversation about it and any similar historical issues if you can. Maybe they’re just so used to you self-financing and generally wearing your big girl pants that they can’t see it’s hurtful.

CrankyFrankie · 07/06/2022 21:26

*Form(not fork!)

Googlecanthelpme · 07/06/2022 21:30

Two thoughts which might be clutching at straws but I’m loathe to think people are just so thoughtless…

  1. They forgot to put the money in the card and the drum set was just a little token gift.

  2. They misunderstood your point about saving and thought maybe you meant you weren’t going to be buying presents for other people so didn’t want any in return - I’m massively clutching but I think parents can be totally idiotic at times and massively misunderstand conversations.

for what it’s worth OP, I find this so weird. If they’ve given cash before and the general consensus is a gift of 20/30 quid then what was so different this year? That’s what makes me think it was a mistake.

also, total bollocks that they contributed to a wedding and haven’t offered even a basic contribution to your investigations.

I wouldn’t dare to treat my kids like that, if I have the money then I’d give it - even if it’s just 20 quid as you say, every penny counts.

good luck with everything OP x

Bangolads · 07/06/2022 21:30

Look your parents have obviously been good to you in the past. This time you didn’t feel they were. If they’ve mostly been good to you let it go. It feels bit over the top of you tbh but I suspect you want validation from them about your IVF which is understandable but not like this. Let it go.

ObiWankyKnobber · 07/06/2022 21:38

OP, just another perspective. I realise that I am very fortunate not to know anything about IVF - other than, from what I've read, it's very expensive. So it really is possible that your parents, who presumably also know nothing about it, thought that £20 would be either useless or insulting (though that doesn't excuse the mini drum kit, which is bizarre).

Whoever said you can't afford a child is being truly horrible and you need to ignore them.

Otherwise, and on a slightly different note: given that you are planning to conceive, get married. You are very sensible to have prioritised buying a house over having a big party; now you need to be sensible again and get legally married. It costs next to nothing, but can make the most immense difference if things go wrong (which I hope they won't - though there was a time when I would have laughed at anyone who might have suggested that XH (note XH) and I wouldn't go the distance. We were together for 25 years, btw. If you want to have a party later, then great - but just do the legal bit. Otherwise the 15 years that you have already been together would count for absolutely nothing.

Moonchair1 · 07/06/2022 21:38

Just to say I would go with a free cycle of ivf with the NHS and save your funds for the second round if needed
I’m so glad I did it that way as the 1st cycled resulted in MMC so paid over 5k for a 2nd go and it worked :)
the first cycle is like a test unfortunately as they don’t know how your body will react to the drugs all the best of luck x

cocktailclub · 07/06/2022 21:48

Just wondering if they fully intended to bank transfer you £40 and the drum kit was a joke but they forgot to actually transfer the money?