I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

[BluebellBeanz]

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

Every clinic offers finance options..... but the money still needs to be paid back.

Clinics offer a no baby, no fee scheme.... but usually not if you have a low ovarian reserve.

It's not that simple. I'd love to know how other people afford IVF..... please, share your ideas.

Maybe they thought you meant don’t give him a gift, so he doesn’t have to buy return gifts to save money.

This is so rude and unnecessary. They're saving. It's so upsetting to hear this when you desperately want a child and see people who can't afford them having them all the time. Babies aren't expensive. I've been there, having to save for IVF and having plenty of money/regular income when it came to actually giving birth and having the baby.

I'd be annoyed too OP. Especially with how they're helping your sister. Perhaps they don't understand how every little can make a difference, but to swap out the normal present for an even cheaper one seems odd to me without explanation.

In the grand scheme of the cost of IVF, its not really worth kicking up shit with your parents for the sake of 20 quid is it?

So what if he's just said he'd like cash instead of a gift? Is that acceptable?

What difference does it make what the cash is used for!?

No!! 😂 😂

@BluebellBeanz

I spent £35k on IVF

• remortgaged house
• lived like we had a child for a year (do you realise how much childcare costs or the cost of dropping a wage to be a STAHM?? What we would have had to spend on either went into ivf savings account
• bank loan over 4 years

Unfortunately IVF is expensive and it's pretty naive to insist on wanting to do it straight away but at the same time not get into debt

Debt is inevitable

I never thought I'd spend what we did but we have. And i have no regrets

This.

That makes it even more weird OP!

Please.. just ask them, you never know, perhaps they transferred some money and have NO idea its gone in the wrong account?

Yeah it would be.. if that was what had actually happened.

But it isn't. The OP and fiance were asked about birthday gifts, and explained they'd rather have the cash equivalent as they're saving for IVF.

That is NOT the same as randomly asking someone feor £20 towards IVF!

Sometimes when people over-react to something that other people think is minor, it's because they are making whatever it is mean something. So in your case, I'm guessing that you're making
'They didn't give my fiance £20 for his birthday to go towards IVF'
mean
'They don't understand how desperately important this IVF is to us'
and perhaps
'They don't really care about us / me'
or even
'They love my sister more than they love me'

Only you can know if that really is what's underneath your anger. Obviously fertility struggles are an incredibly sensitive and difficult thing.

Cslm dowmmn… FFS you read the post. You interpret your way I’ll interpret it mine.

It's not your birthday.

on a site that is brimming with crappy things to post that really takes the biscuit.

Nail on head.

Meant to quote GreenTea

Just a thought .. please have a look at BPAS FERTILITY

Offering IVF at considerably lower costs

No I'd be pissed! Every little helps and why ask and agree if they're just going to waste money on tat?!!

A bit childish and entitled to be “livid”.

Although, if you want to continue being so, then there is an easy solution!
Just get them a crap joke present for each of their birthdays in return. That way you’ll have gained back £40-60 that you’d otherwise have spent and end up better off. Problem solved.

I didn't say it was unacceptable. I just pointed out that op's parents clearly either can't afford 20 quid or have decided that it's not something they want to contribute to.
Being livid because someone has failed to give her husband £20 when he asked for cash as a birthday gift is pointless.

Why is everyone so hung up on the 5 year engagement? We were engaged for 5 years before we got married, just never got around to it, what’s the big deal?!

Op I get it, I’d be disappointed as well. It just feels like they aren’t taking your IVF journey seriously but meanwhile have been splashing the cash on your sisters wedding. They should be ashamed of themselves actually, I would never treat my kids so differently.

IVFis expensive but if £20 are really that important to you then you are not financially set up to have a child. Depending on where you live, the NHS used to offer 2 or 3 rounds of IVF for free. Things might have changed since Covid, I assume you already looked into this.
Good luck OP!

@oakleaffy @Isthislove4ever how many thousands in separate savings did you have before trying to conceive out of interest?

If it were me OP, I'd speak to them and ask them if there was a reason they bought a gift rather than the cash as agreed.
In the nicest possible way, if you're close enough to them to expect them to give you money, surely you're close enough to them to discuss it?