I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

[BluebellBeanz]

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

The poster’s mum did ask what her partner wanted and the poster said cash please. I can’t see any issue with the poster’s attitude.
I wish you luck in the future xx

I'd just ask my parents, can't think of a reason not to - just say 'oh did you decide not to give x some cash toward our IVF? You don't have to go in all gins blazing, they might just have forgotten to.

*guns blazing!

Gosh people really are being unnecessarily unpleasant to OP.
I think some of you live in a different world or have absolutely zero empathy or ability to appreciate that not everyone is just like you.

Not having 10000's lying around doesn't mean you can't afford a child at all. That's just twattish

I imagine they've just not put it in the card but intended to. I've done that before.

And my grandma used to give me £20 in a cars right up until she died - its not the preserve of kids at all.

Honestly, this place is horrible sometimes

I agree with this. they should just have given you the usual amount.
the drum kit is weird.
I don’t agree with people saying keep quiet, surely you could bring it up in a nice way to your own mum without it being a fall out

I know here on MN it’s considered ridiculous for an adult to want get birthday presents, but in the real world it’s perfectly normal to be asked what you want and to reply that you want cash. It’s also completely normal to buy your children’s partners a birthday present! I genuinely don’t know why posters feel the need to fall over themselves to claim that they don’t get presents/celebrate birthdays/ask for what they want/don’t feel disappointed with crap gifts. That’s what’s actually weird, I know no one in real life like that.

My own sister has asked for money for every birthday and Christmas for many years, as she prefers to save for holidays, luxuries and, more recently, a house. She would have done exactly the same if she needed IVF. I’ve never minded giving her and her fiance money in lieu of a gift if that’s their preference and neither does anyone else in the family.

it would be very weird to buy my sisters fiance a random gift if I’d specifically asked what to get and he asked for money.

YANBU because

1. All other circumstances aside, I’d be mortified if my mum randomly bought my DP a toy for his birthday with no context or reason. He is 36.
2. They ASKED what he wanted.
3. your parents are out of order for spending a huge amount of money on your sister and not budgeting the same for you. It doesn’t even matter how much, I’d be gutted by the blatant favouritism whether it was £100, £1000 or £100,000.

Best of luck OP

I started off thinking YABU, adults shouldn't expect financial help from parents etc but then read they must have spent thousands on your sister's wedding. Before even getting to the IVF bit, you've been engaged for 5 years because you've prioritised housing yourselves (sensibly) so presumably your parents have never offered to pay due or contribute to your wedding? Let me guess, your sister got engaged after you? And got everything paid for.

Now you are saving for IVF and they can't afford to help you. Have you asked them politely if they have a wedding fund for you as they did for your sister. I think you know they don't but it might make them wake up a bit too how horribly unfair the treatment of their two daughters is.

They have put a lot of thought into being this thoughtless haven't they!

So much worse than no gift at all.

Best wishes for IVF when you get there.

Oh come on, read her messages. She doesn't "expect" their parents to pay for IVF, she has made it clear that any small payments received (for whatever reason) are being saved towards it. And people saying they can't afford a child have clearly never had to save for IVF. There are tests, blood tests daily, ultrasounds, etc. They all cost and all have to be paid for. So if the OP felt that one of those ultrasounds could have been paid towards then I don't blame her for feeling a bit cross. Especially as her parents have very clearly spent a not insignificant amount of money on her sisters wedding. She's entitled to feel cross. What she doesn't need is kicking when down.

You are been a bit precious. OP you can’t expect other people to fund IVF for you a few pounds simply won’t do. Fund it yourself like other people. Trying to sponge off someone else for it is ridicolous. You pay your own way in this world.

That's a good question! I'm not even sure I would now.... or maybe just a small one. Certainly not for the £££ they have given to my sister. That would make me feel uncomfortable.

OK. You sound like an ungrateful princess kicking off.

There is also the issue that you are "expecting" / wanting contributions when you are entitled to NHS treatment you just don't want to wait.....

I don't think they understand how important this is to you. I understand.

Oh Ffs read the post!!

She isn't expecting anyone to pay for IVF, she has chosen to ask for money instead of birthday/Christmas gifts to put into their savings!!!! Its perfectly normal to do that.

Maybe replace "saving for ivf" with "saving to go to the Maldives" if you need to contextualise it.

Do you think they have money put aside for your wedding which they don’t want to gift you for IVF? seems a bit rank to give money for your sisters wedding but not take your IVF saving seriously. Do they think wedding first , then baby?

She is not expecting "contributions", she is taking about birthday money.

I’d be unhappy too op. Why would you ask what someone wanted and then actively do the opposite?

It would get stuck in my clack too how they had just paid for my sisters wedding but hadn’t offered up any help for my IVF.

Especially if you haven’t had a wedding from them yourself. Seems really unfair.

They were fine with it.

A wedding can't be compared to IVF

Lots of parents aren't comfortable contributing towards fertility treatment especially when the OP is entitled to one cycle free she just doesn't want to wait?

@maythe4thbewithme They might not have time to wait for the NHS?

The whole thing is odd tbh, to give a toy drum kit is truly bizarre. Can you mention it casually and see if she says anything. I think I would struggle not to.

And people are entitled to think "No, I don't actually want to contribute to that".
Nothing you can do when you've asked for money that isn't forthcoming.

This seems a strange thing for your parents to do. If they usually get him a gift in the £20 price bracket why give a small jokey present when you actually ask for the cash instead? The OP isn't being grabby or greedy, there are some odd replies on this post.

Maybe OP's parents aren't taking the relationship seriously? If I knew someone who had been engaged for 5 years, regardless of the reason, I'd be wondering if the wedding would ever happen. I know OP says she prioritised housing, but you can get married very cheaply...

Added to that, in most cases, the woman is disadvantaged by pregnancy and motherhood, so it's often unwise to have a child without being married. OP's parents may be aware of this and may not want to contribute to the IVF if they think OP should be married first?