I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

[BluebellBeanz]

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

So true

Two things strike me.

1). It's really not worth falling out with your parents for £20.

and

2). Is there a back story here? Is there an issue with your DP that they would struggle to tie you more closely to him?

Just thinking aloud, if that's not the case then please ignore.

I do think you are getting overemotional on the face of it for a small amount of money. If you are struggling with your situation overall then I'm sorry, but I wouldn't over egg this. Why don't you sit down with your parents and a cup of tea and tell them why IVF is a big issue for you? Communication is key.

Take IVF out of the equation for one second.

It's extremely weird to ask someone what they want for their birthday, agree on cash (In case you missed it, OPs parents agreed to give cash. They didn't say they prefer not to give cash, and presumably if they couldnt afford the usual £20 gift, they wouldn't have asked what he wanted) and then buy them something totally random!

@maythe4thbewithme We lived like we had a child for 12 months and saved the £1000 per month that got us 1 1/2 cycles

err so you did exactly what the op is doing? Saving as much as possible in a short time frame to fund her cycle?

valerianaofficiana just wanted to put the boot in to someone who is already having a shit time - how lovely of her.

I thought the drum kit related to relatives buying kids those sort of gifts that the parents hate? Maybe they were trying to be funny and it’s backfired and was ill thought out?

I think you would look like an ungrateful princess kicking off if you brought this up with your parents. Most adults would feel a bit weird about giving another adult money for their birthday. I think you're overreacting, maybe it's the stress of the bigger situation with IVF that's really behind your emotions. If I was you I would suck it up, forget about it (you're potentially going to have more emotional situations to face) and concentrate on keeping a loving relationship going between you and your parents. Best of luck with the IVF.

Hi OP I can see why you are hurt as your parents have spent money on your sister's wedding which probably seems quite frivolous to you given what you are saving for. I can't understand why they gave your fiancé a joke present - such a waste of money and likely to go in the bin (it isn't that it only cost a few quid its the waste element that would get to me). And yes, having had my own fertility issues I know how expensive it all gets and how £40 can pay for a test.

However, I would now seize the opportunity to say to all family members (yours and your fiancé's if he agrees) that you are aware that money is tight for everyone given the recent wedding / cost of living crisis so you are no longer buying birthday / Xmas presents and that you don't expect any to be bought in return. You can follow up by saying you have to prioritise saving for IVF if there is any fallout from this announcement.

The OP has already explained why she doesn't want to get a loan.

Do you have the sort of relationship with your parents to ask what their thinking was? Is there any chance they misheard or misunderstood?

My DM is very good at not hearing/remembering negatives (eg 'please dont buy me a book will be remembered as 'please buy me a book').

Not read the whole thread but surprised at the tone of the first few responses I've read.

OP's parents know about the IVF and, crucially, agreed to contribute. So when they don't and there's some bizarre novelty gift instead, I think it's perfectly fine to be confused. Not livid perhaps, but definitely a bit hurt.

Pains me to say it, OP, but Mumsnet is weird about IVF (away from the specialist boards). I suspect a lot of people simply think you've got no right to ask family for help. Some cat's-bum-mouth attitude that if you can't afford it yourself, tough titties. Just adopt or something.

@ThinkForAMinute

She might not want to get a loan but honestly beggars can't be choosers. No one says you have to take a whole year off on maternity leave - maybe she'll just have to go back to work to continue to pay the loan. 🤔

If they've been engaged for 15 years and are only just on The IVF pathway wouldn't want to speculate about OPs ages but I'm guessing it's over 36 - if you've been together so long why on earth have you waited so bloody long TTC??

Nasty !!
Did you feel good about yourself after you typed that ?
A child benefits from kind parents ,not comfortably off parents!

Have you read tft? Lots of detail from the op that you must have missed

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this, please try not to get too stressed out as it could affect your IVF. This sounds exactly like my mum, buying stuff for my sister and niece and watching me go homeless when I left my ex. Personally, if I was in your position I would get a loan and live for the moment. It sounds like you really need to be a mum and don't waste time. Have you heard of crowd funding? You could try this to get a few thousand pounds, I'd be willing to donate, even just a fiver and I'm sure others on here would do the same.
Gofundme, try it and best of luck x

I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this, please try not to get too stressed out as it could affect your IVF.

this is nonsense.

Why do you ask her? Mum what's the deal with the drum kit that's what I'd do however I'm very close to my mum and could ask without it offending her

ohhhh I know who you are now @maythe4thbewithme . Previously ivfbeenbusy, ivfgottwins, ivfbeendreaming. Had your babies and then instead of enjoying them were busy being judgemental to other women on the infertility boards and making snarky comments about anyone who discussed egg donation or doing a protocol that wasn’t the one you used.

Haven’t seen you on the infertility boards as much but interesting to see you’re still being judgemental and making snide comments about women going through fertility treatment. Would really wonder what is wrong with you to have become so lacking in empathy and kindness toward other women.

I must live on a different planet to a lot of MN commenters.
If my daughter or if I had had problems with fertility my parents would never have been so insensitive buying my husband joke present ..tatt when they new we would have benefited from cash to help us. The amount is irrelevant,it’s the thoughtlessness that would have hurt ! Also my parents would have treated myself and my sister equally where money is concerned.
My children know that if they are really stuck we will always try and help and it is gratefully accepted. My parents always gave my husband a few quid for his birthday and the same for their grandchildren. Am not sure why so many families so anal where money is concerned!

I agree with PPs that my initial thought was £20-£30 towards IVF seems a bit pointless. Maybe they thought the same and that's why they didn't give cash. (Although once you mentioned that money from them coupled with your DPs parent's money would pay for a test it made more sense - they might not know this though?)

However, I do find it strange they agreed to your idea of cash, then not only went back on it but by the sounds of it decided to buy a gift even cheaper than usual. Unless they're planning to give you money later, its very strange and I don't think you're being ungrateful or petty for being confused and a bit offended. If money is tight they could have just told you that?

Don’t be a dick

Very odd post.

You don't even know how long they have been TTC! Plus if you start with NHS they won't even consider looking into whether there is an issue for a good few years. Then appointments and tests etc take forever, it's not all instant results.

I wonder if they might be intending to give you some money towards it at another time/in another way - a bank transfer or giving you some cash but just not in the card maybe. All the best with your ivf :)

Yeah I would say something along those lines too. It is odd, a toy drum kit when you are struggling to have kids is the height of insensitivity in my opinion.