I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

[BluebellBeanz]

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

I also think there is some complex emotions going on here that have you desperately searching your husbands gifts wrapping paper for twenty quid.

i wonder if you’re so so focused on getting the money together fast that you’ve lost the ability to be rational about it, which has got to the level that 20 quid become critical and has you scrabbling through debris trying to find it.

Is he a drummer?

I am fully aware £20 is not going to pay for IVF treatment but even the usual £20 in coins would have fed the parking meter at the clinic.

Wtaf is a kids toy going to do? Seems so random.

I not think you are unreasonable in feeling unsupported but I don't think there is anyway you can really raise it.

I would have been confused too.

Even an £10 Amazon voucher would have been better than a toy that will go straight to charity shop.

Others have written this too. I imagine because they were saving for a wedding!!!!!!😡

I think theyve forgotten to put the money in. But I don't feel you can say anything. The only thing you could do is thank them for the drumkit and hopefully they mention the money. Which I am assuming has already been done with no mention.

That's so rude! People just make things work Extremely poor people over the centuries have had children. Frankly that's classist and shallow

I know on mn it is considered the height of entitlement to expect anything from your parents after midnight on the day you turn 18, but blimey OP, I would be fucking livid if my parents came over all sad face on me about how they would love to help me have a baby but couldn't because they had spent hundreds (thousands?) on a sibling's party wedding.

Have they made similar savings to help you out with your wedding? I assume not, or the obvious solution would be for them to contribute that to the IVF instead?

Wishing you the best of luck with it.

What the fuck is wrong with being engaged for 5 years? We were engaged for several years too as we bought a property together before getting married.

We've now been married for 29 years. What's the issue?

OP, I get why you feel the way you do and wonder if it is really more to do with the fact that your parents have not been even handed here. They didn't have to pay for all of your sister's wedding. She could pay for some herself, as many of us have had to.

They could have said that there was a certain pot of money available and split it equally between you and your sister. It would have been much more sensible and a fairly meaningful sum towards both things (your IVF and the wedding).

I don't think you can afford a child

Just to say good luck op. Hope the IVF goes well.

I think the comparison with paying for your sisters wedding over your IVF would be hard for me to accept. Really would be better for your parents to contribute equally - unless they have already given you equivalent funds - that seems the meanest part as the £20 is neither here nor there (plus presumably you can reduce the amount you spend on gifts for them?).

Yabu

I'm going against the grain but I do think this is quite insensitive, given the discussion you've had.

Yes the £20 is a drop in the ocean and yes maybe they can't afford it etc.

But in that situation to give such an obviously jokey present without any reference to what you're going through is pretty tone deaf.

I wouldn't react until you've had a chance to talk to them as there may be crossed wires but I'd be upset too.

Exactly this. I don't think many people can 'afford' a child but we can certainly make ends meet and will give up our own pleasures to do so, but we're not so fortunate that we can get our hands on £££££££ overnight without getting ourselves into debt.

No, I have never received any financial help. I put myself through uni, saved jointly for our house deposit, and now saving for IVF. I'm proud that I've done it myself.

Thank you. I've only ever asked for equal, but that has never been the case. If we had realised that our wedding would be paid for, we would have probably set a date!

Would you accept a contribution to your wedding?

I can see why you are upset, it is not the present per se, but the pain and worry you have around your IVF and your parents are spending a small fortune on what you might perceive as frivolity of a wedding.

Can you ask for your wedding contribution to be given as a payment for IVF rather than a wedding? Assuming they intend to treat you both the same?

You sound understandably fed up with the unfairness of life to even be in the situation of needing IVF and frustrated that your sister had so much paid for when now you could really do with half that fund for something much more important.

Though not deliberate timing of your parents to pay for her wedding and now not have enough savings to help you, it'd make me feel stressed.

These sort of things seem come up a lot in families.

The drumkit to me is a symbol
to you that they're not taking this seriously like they did her wedding.
However I really do think they do care equally about you and your sister but it's all bad timing - they probably planned to save for your wedding one day too.
The drum kit to them will have been completely removed in their eyes from IVF.

It's a very anxious time for you and your anger is a sign of this anxiety if you ask me.

You're trying to take control of the situation in some way and money is the most obvious.
A lot of your hope is pinned on money helping fertility so naturally you will be anxious about all money and see it with heightened significance.

Ignore the rude and nosey comments on here. I've been very disappointed with some Mumsnetters lately who love to destroy and insult people on AIBU and who have no empathy to why someone may be upset on a deeper level.

Give yourself time out to do things you enjoy and look after yourself as anger is a sign of unresolved negative feelings like fear, hurt and worry. 💖

I think you need a direct conversation, I am sure they are putting money by for your wedding op, not realising that you would rather the money for IVF. Tell them. They probably mean they can't afford to give you anything over and above their wedding contribution to you....I hope for your sake that is what it is.

People just muddle through and make things work as people have been for centuries! It's really rude and classist

Sorry op but only well off/rich people can have children 🙄

I can understand why you're upset and a bit perplexed about the drum kit especially if it's a totally random gift but if you don't feel like you can say anything about the agreed money then just get dp to graciously thank them for the drum kit and don't mention it or ask for any contributions in the future.

I think your parents are being very unkind.
More than a little thoughtless.
I think (if you feel up to it) an honest conversation with your parents about your sisters wedding & your ivf struggles & the hurt you feel at being treated so unequally to your sister & the stupid jokey tat present.
I am keeping everything crossed for you OP x

Tto the previous posters going on about how she can't afford a child. Just stop.
Babies need love & care & a few babygro's at the beginning.
Poorer off people are allowed kids you know, timing is clearly an issue, OP has said so. They can't wait until they're financially secure.
So just stop it.

This sounds like a 'something to open and here's some cash' gift thats gone wrong in that someones forgotten to include the cash or make a transfer.

OP - just ask, if I had sent that gift and realised that the error made it rather weird or feel unkind, I would be horrified.

You don't have to be rude or confrontational about it, just politely ask say its a cute little thing but you don't quite understand - open up a conversation about it.

I don't understand why everyones giving the OP a hard time, they've not asked for anything extra, they've just asked instead of gift, could they have cash to put towards the IVF.

Surely anyone with half a braincell can work out that saving up for something, a quid here, a fiver there.. it all adds up! Thats exactly how I build up the K's that are in my savings account now, just putting away a tenner here and £20 there!

Why are you expecting your and his parents to help you pay for IVF??

They are probably worried about their future going into pensions and what with the cost of living etc.

You need to cut the cords to your and his parents helping out. It's called being an adult.