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Original poster

I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

263 replies

BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 15:20

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

OP posts:
Trivester · 07/06/2022 17:15

There are all sorts of possible scenarios here—

they might have bought that drum kit before you had this conversation and popped it in but forgotten the cash

they might have needed to cut back on gifts and not known how to have that conversation

they might be planning to give you a bit more towards the ivf

they might be forgetful

I think this is one to let go.

oakleaffy · 07/06/2022 17:17

Nickel and diming to the extent there is stress over a £4 drum kit..
Children are massively expensive once they are born and are expensive way into early adulthood.
Pennypinching and parenting is stressful.

diddl · 07/06/2022 17:17

I'm guessing that there's no correlation between the two.

They really can't help with the ivf & they saw something cheap that they thought would amuse your fiance for his bday.

Odd that your mum would agree though.

Was it always the plan to pay for your sister's wedding?

Original poster
BluebellBeanz · 07/06/2022 17:18

valerianaofficiana · 07/06/2022 17:01

Fiancé of 5 years?!?!?
Why?

Because we have been saving to buy a house and prioritised that over a wedding.

OP posts:
BlancmanegeBunny · 07/06/2022 17:19

I think you would have been better agreeing to simply not do birthday gifts at all.....they don't buy for you/you don't buy for them.

The "joke" gift thing is strange but asking for cash was too.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/06/2022 17:20

This is bizarre. Maybe the don’t think birthday gifts should be used for IVF, like maybe they wanted to give a gift rather than contribute. Odd gift though. What did they say when you suggested money for a gift?

Josoliesmlaurdog · 07/06/2022 17:24

FetchezLaVache · 07/06/2022 17:01

I might be alone in this, but I think it's a bit mean for the parents to spend all their available disposable cash on something one daughter wants and be left unable to make even a token contribution to the thin the other daughter wants.

I agree.. My parents paid for my wedding and they gave the same amount to my sister towards her house deposit….my children will also be treated fairly give or take a few quid at times.

Mally100 · 07/06/2022 17:24

It's a very odd gift but then so is expecting gifts and then getting upset over it as adults. Honestly 20pounds is not going to make a drop in the ivf fund sadly. Even a 100 isn't. It's weird though, I can't get the idea behind a drum kit of all things?

mug2018 · 07/06/2022 17:24

Maybe they have just a token gift because they thgt you meant that you weren't going to reciprocate & buy them gifts so that you could save money

Josoliesmlaurdog · 07/06/2022 17:25

Enny70 · 07/06/2022 16:58

You’ve been engaged for 15 years?

And your point is?

JuneJubilee · 07/06/2022 17:26

Why have they paid, in full, for your sisters wedding but don't have the funds to pay for yours? If they couldn't afford to pay for both (understandably) why wasn't the money given equally?

do you have any other siblings.

wedding aside I'd ask my mum if she had hidden some cash in the gift box/drum kit because I'd hate to throw it out by mistake.

I wouldn't have asked for cash for DF's birthday, I'd have suggested a book/gift voucher/pants/socks etc. better than a stupid novelty drum kit!!

Isthislove4ever · 07/06/2022 17:29

Children are expensive to raise. If you're struggling to have money to pay for IVF then maybe now isn't the time to have children and you should wait until you're in a better and more secure place financially.

Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 17:31

JuneJubilee · 07/06/2022 17:26

Why have they paid, in full, for your sisters wedding but don't have the funds to pay for yours? If they couldn't afford to pay for both (understandably) why wasn't the money given equally?

do you have any other siblings.

wedding aside I'd ask my mum if she had hidden some cash in the gift box/drum kit because I'd hate to throw it out by mistake.

I wouldn't have asked for cash for DF's birthday, I'd have suggested a book/gift voucher/pants/socks etc. better than a stupid novelty drum kit!!

They probably assumed that after 15 years, op's wedding wasn't on the horizon anytime soon. Maybe they've now started saving again?

Herejustforthisone · 07/06/2022 17:31

I think there’s some complicated emotions going on here. The two primary sources being desperation for a child and perhaps resentment that your parents are spending thousands on your sister’s wedding and nothing towards your quest for a child, which I think you might see as a more worthy use of money.

WimbyAce · 07/06/2022 17:33

Strange gift tbh! If she agreed already about the money I wonder if they are going to do something separately. And ignore the comments about the engagement! Good luck with the ivf x

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2022 17:34

Isthislove4ever · 07/06/2022 17:29

Children are expensive to raise. If you're struggling to have money to pay for IVF then maybe now isn't the time to have children and you should wait until you're in a better and more secure place financially.

What a load of crap. Most parents don’t need to raise a tonne of cash before getting pregnant.

diddl · 07/06/2022 17:35

Isthislove4ever · 07/06/2022 17:29

Children are expensive to raise. If you're struggling to have money to pay for IVF then maybe now isn't the time to have children and you should wait until you're in a better and more secure place financially.

But the cost of children doesn't usually involve an initial outlay of 1,000s.

I'm sure a lot of people afford their children very comfortably but don't have a lump sum for IVF lying around.

WimbyAce · 07/06/2022 17:38

Can you get a 0% interest credit card to help with spreading the cost of treatment? This is what we did to help fund our fertility treatment.
Is there def nothing hidden in drumkit?

WimbyAce · 07/06/2022 17:39

diddl · 07/06/2022 17:35

But the cost of children doesn't usually involve an initial outlay of 1,000s.

I'm sure a lot of people afford their children very comfortably but don't have a lump sum for IVF lying around.

Show quote history

Exactly this and as the OP said she doesn't have the luxury of time to wait.

mcmooberry · 07/06/2022 17:40

I'd rather have nothing than a toy drumkit, total tat that just needs to go in the bin. I don't blame you for being pissed off and agree that even £20 towards petrol for your appointments would have been better.

maythe4thbewithme · 07/06/2022 17:40

I self funded 5 rounds of IVF and I'd be embarrassed/cringe at asking for £20 birthday money to go towards it sorry OP

OH and I agree with previous posters if you can't afford a loan to pay for IVF how do you expect to pay for a child?

Giving up minimum wage job to be a STAHM = circa £1100 a month

Cost of full time childcare if you don't give up work = £1000 plus per month

Cost of IVF loan £13.5 for 3 rounds in the UK including ICSI and drugs = £275 per month for 4 years

We lived like we had a child for 12 months and saved the £1000 per month that got us 1 1/2 cycles and took a bank loan and remortgage for the rest

Onwards22 · 07/06/2022 17:41

It sounds like they could only afford about £5 and so they thought putting that in a card might look bad.

They may think it’s also cheeky that you’re asking for money to put towards an expense.

I know it’s different but I’ve read many threads of people who think it cheeky asking for money at weddings instead of gifts.

I would rather have had the money (and spent it on anything else) in this situation but definitely don’t say anything as you’ll come across as very greedy.

Johnnysgirl · 07/06/2022 17:41

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2022 17:34

What a load of crap. Most parents don’t need to raise a tonne of cash before getting pregnant.

Show quote history

It's not a tonne of cash that seems to be causing op problems.
She seems to be struggling with relatively tiny amounts (she mentions getting £40 from his parents and it covering half of the next test cost, for example).

Midlifemusings · 07/06/2022 17:41

I think the £20 gifts were just token gift to celebrate and now you have asked that they help fund a very expensive and personal procedure. I find your request very strange. Who asks others to contrinute small amounts as birthday presents towards IVF If you want to start a gofundme - then do but don't ask people to donate to your cause instead of small token type birthday presents. Clearly if you expect their contribution to be helpful in funding your IVF - you are expecting a large pay out from them, not £20-30.

Let birthdays be birthdays. Your requrest would have made me very uncomfortable

maythe4thbewithme · 07/06/2022 17:42

@diddl

But the cost of children doesn't usually involve an initial outlay of 1,000s.

Neither does IVF*

I'm sure a lot of people afford their children very comfortably but don't have a lump sum for IVF lying around.*

Every clinic offers finance options these days. Also there are special fertility finance companies offering money back if it doesn't work. Or bank loans and remortgage.