I'm livid... but probably overreacting?

[BluebellBeanz]

I'm so bloody cross! 😂

Firstly, I'm so not a materialistic person so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way but I have to get some opinions.

My parents usually get my fiance (of 15 years) a gift for his birthday - usually for around £20-30 which he is always very greatful for. We usually spend about the same on return gifts on their birthdays.

We have just found out that we need to go through IVF in the hope that we can conceive our first child. So, when my mum asked me what she could get my partner for his birthday I suggested that this year, given what we are saving for, a few pounds for the IVF fund would be really kind. She agreed.

So, when they came over a few days before his birthday, they dropped his birthday card off and a parcel in which they said there was a very small joke gift.

So today, my partner opened his card and gift and given the previous discussion about what they could get him as a gift, I expected that there would maybe be £20 in the card. But no. Then he opened his joke gift to find a miniature drumkit. I thought maybe they'd put some money in the drumkit box or something so.... feeling a bit like an ungreatful cow, I looked through the packaging but... nothing.

So, they know how desperate we are to save thousands for our chance to be parents and having asked what he'd like for a birthday gift...... they then get him a fucking novelty drumkit?! I'm so confused.

They haven't paid money into his account or mine and they haven't mentioned anything about it when texting to wish him happy birthday.

I'm so lost. Am I missing something?

I feel like I really want to ask what it's all about as I'm so cross and don't feel I can let it go without saying something, but I'll just look like an ungreatful princess kicking off. Help!

Doesn't sound like you can afford a child, i'm sorry to say

I've just noticed that you call your partner fiancé, but you aren't married. Is it that you had hoped to be given money for a wedding but because you aren't married would now prefer to use it for IVF? If that is so then you should speak to your parents and ask them if it's a possibility.

I wouldn’t mention the money but would ask them casually what the heck the drum kit thing was all about.

YANBU
I hate joke gifts, they piss me right off
good luck with your treatment

then they've just wasted £4 on a toy drumkit. I just don't get it

they couldn’t afford the £20-£30 ? The £4 toy is just ‘something to open’, a token gift.

My DM does this, drives me mad because it’s junk that ends up in the charity shop and I’d rather she just saved the £4 or whatever. The difference is I wouldn’t be moaning about not getting the £20. I get your desperation, I really do, we spent ££££££ on CC, loans and remortgaging for our self funded IVF but, seriously, the £20 is not going to be the difference between you starting a cycle or not. Let it go.

It sounds to me like an unfortunate mistake, that they've sent a sub-par gift at a time of what I'd imagine is heightened emotion for you and it misfired badly and that you should totally move on and stop wondering what it might mean or being angry with them. It's not worth it. All the best for the IVF.

You’ve been engaged for 15 years?

Given the chat you had, I'd be wondering if they forgot to put money in the card?

Yeah, a bit. I get all of the responses about £20 not making any difference to the overall cost. But there are many other bits of the process, like separate investigations and tests and transport to get to hospitals and prescription fees etc... that all add up. We are covering these things whilst trying to save, so £20 would pay for a prescription and petrol money.

Saving starts with a penny- it all adds up. We're not rich, we don't have parents that can contribute huge amounts (nor would we expect that) and we don't have huge incomes. We're trying to be sensible and save the money quickly without getting ourselves into debt. I'm really not sure how other people cover the cost of IVF if saving the money themselves seems to be such an unpopular option?

I am peeved about my parents paying for my sisters wedding because everytime they've spent something on the wedding - a few hundred on the wedding cake for example, they've followed that up with a comment like "I just wish we could help you out too"....! My sister hasn't paid for anything for her wedding and here we are talking about £20 birthday gifts because we're scraping together every penny to save thousands over a period of a few months. They know this. Then they give my partner a toy for his birthday. That's what has made me cross. They aren't able to help us financially. I know that and I haven't asked them to, in terms of any big contributions, because I wouldn't want to put them in the awkward position of having to say no.

No, sorry. Together for 10, engaged for 5.

Fiancé of 15 years?!?!?

I might be alone in this, but I think it's a bit mean for the parents to spend all their available disposable cash on something one daughter wants and be left unable to make even a token contribution to the thin the other daughter wants.

Fiancé of 5 years?!?!?
Why?

This is what I'm thinking. But I feel like I can't ask because what if they didn't.

This sounds like displaced anger at needing IVF to conceive. It’s twenty quid. Let it go.

I think it's the principle of asking for ideas, apparently agreeing to the suggestion then ignoring it anyway that's annoying.

The most charitable view is that finances are tight for them with a big expense and a cost of living rise, they were never intending to stretch to their usual £20-30 this year and so just got a cheap jokey present in lieu of the embarrassment of sticking a fiver in the card.

Are there some tense family dynamics between you and your sister, OP? If your parents have just paid for her wedding and you've been engaged for several years now, are you maybe feeling a little hurt that there doesn't seem to be an equivalent wedding fund for you that you could ask them to divert into IVF treatment instead?

Cross-posted, there does seem to be some inequity between how they treat you and your sister (unless you had your equivalent some time ago - help with house purchase, first car, that sort of thing, that she maybe didn't?) Why is that, do you think? Has she always been a bit of a 'golden child'?

If you said your DP would prefer the money to a gift, and your mum said 'OK, great, we'll do that' I would be confused to then receive a joke gift. I wouldn't be 'livid' because I think I would assume it was a mistake (eg they forgot to put the money in the card or transferred to the wrong account number accidentally) rather than a deliberate refusal to give him money instead of a gift. But I would wonder what was going on, certainly.

People saying you were rude to ask for cash or that there was no point because it won't make much of a dent in your IVF target are being a bit weird in my opinion. All families are different but in general I think lots of families have no issue with giving cash, especially when it's for a specific purpose. Nobody in my family would consider it rude if they said 'Any idea what DP would like for his birthday?' and I said 'Actually, there's not really anything he really needs but he is hoping to do X Y or Z soon so money he could put towards that would be great'. And as you say, every penny adds up if you're saving for something.

It was a silly gift and a bit pointless. But it doesnt really have anything to do with your IVF fund. It's nice if parents can help out but if they cant I dont think people should get cross about it and expect financial help as a right.

If they weren't going to give him the 20 quid that you suggested, why on earth did they decide to get a stupid novelty item instead of doing what they've been doing for years?

Strange.

This has hit the nail on the head.
I think yabu to be pushing this onto your DP and it was quite PA to ask for money towards IVF for your DPs birthday present.

Not really relevant to the thread, or any of your business. They're clearly committed to each other, hence the engagement, but that doesn't mean a wedding has to be the first priority for them. It's not the 1950s.

HNRTFT but I actually think that it was very thoughtless of your parents and very unsupportive.
If they just explained that they couldn’t help out that would be fine but giving him a cheap toy is really insensitive.
So yes I would be hurt and livid in equal measures!!
Good luck OP with your IVF journey 💐

I'd be pretty pissed off too OP. What a waste of money. Yes, it's only 20 quid but it's a bit of a crap present

I can see how comments about the cost of sister's wedding cake and then claiming to not have means to help you must sting. Were you also helped financially in the past or are your parents more traditional and are willing to contribute to a wedding but not for other expenses?