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Original poster

Jealous of DH

427 replies

Bhagira · 25/05/2022 07:59

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

OP posts:

erikbloodaxe · 25/05/2022 08:01

WTF?

He's not the problem.

girlmom21 · 25/05/2022 08:03

Him refusing to be flexible is the issue. Promotions give you more autonomy - not less.

Apply for jobs. When you get offered something you want, work out how you'll both parent your child.

gamerchick · 25/05/2022 08:04

He can't just say he can't be flexible around childcare and that's that. It's his kid as well. What are his solutions and you need to tell him you're thinking of divorce because your life is intolerable. He needs to help work it out as a team.

devildeepbluesea · 25/05/2022 08:05

if he really won’t do his bit and you really are that unhappy then your only options are to carry on as you are or to divorce. A husband with so little interest in your feelings is hardly a catch is he.

Coffeesnob11 · 25/05/2022 08:06

What industry are you in, posters here might be able to pint you to some good resources. Use your jealousy as a goal. Many couples have to agree their schedules so that only one is away at a time.

BriocheForBreakfast · 25/05/2022 08:09

Seeing as how you went into parenthood together, he's hardly being the supportive partner now.

BurbageBrook · 25/05/2022 08:10

Are there days when he might also be jealous of you because you don’t have to go to work? Just for try to put this in perspective. Conferences are always the fun parts of many jobs but there’s also lots of rubbish at the other times of the year in most!

Don’t get disheartened by the job rejections— you’ll get there, it’s normal to have setbacks. But I don’t think the conferences can be the real problem here. Him saying he won’t be flexible if and when you get a job is unacceptable, however, unless it truly would be impossible for both of you? In which case you need good childcare.

Original poster

Bhagira · 25/05/2022 08:18

I hate him. We aren’t equal any more because he hasn’t suffered or sacrificed at all for having a child. He hasn’t had to give up any promotions or working late or business trips at all because I’ve been trapped at home due to my health and the pandemic. Which isn’t his fault but he’s benefited massively from it. While I’ve lost my job and can’t get another.

He was happy to share childcare equally pre-pregnancy when we were at the same point in our career and earning the same salary. But now he’s got ahead because of me being out of work for a few years, and he argues it doesn’t make sense to share childcare equally now, because “our family fund” loses more money if he misses an hour of work vs if I miss an hour. He said he’ll share equally again when I match his salary, which obviously I won’t be able to do. I could possibly overcome the career break but if I’m doing all the childcare he’s always going to stay ahead of me.

Basically I’ve been fucked over by this baby and he hasn’t, and I’m just so angry and jealous of him every single day.

OP posts:

TheGoodEnoughWife · 25/05/2022 08:21

Have you told him this? He really needs to step up to get you back on the career ladder. I would struggle to be with someone who cares so little for my mental health and well-being.

You are entirely correct, having a child hasn't impacted him at all.

A sit down and a clear conversation that this situation is intolerable for you is required.

Original poster

Bhagira · 25/05/2022 08:23

Many couples have to agree their schedules so that only one is away at a time.
We are in the same field, so we’re going to want to go to the same conferences and exhibitions at the same time. And he has a more senior and highly paid role now, so of course there will be a higher expectation for him to attend. Even if I had the chance to go, he’s going to say I’m the one who has to stay at home isn’t he.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/05/2022 08:25

erikbloodaxe · 25/05/2022 08:01

WTF?

He's not the problem.

Have we read the same thread? He is refusing to shoulder any of the care for his own child in order that his wife can work.

How is that not his fault?

Original poster

Bhagira · 25/05/2022 08:27

Are there days when he might also be jealous of you because you don’t have to go to work?
Why would he be jealous of that? It’s fucking awful. He gets to have a shower on his own every morning, eat breakfast and lunch in peace every single day, have multiple coffees in peace, talk to adults, occasionally eat out in a restaurant with adults only and have a full night’s sleep in a hotel with nobody bothering him, and he gets to do something fulfilling and intellectually stimulating that furthers his life ambitions.

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 25/05/2022 08:31

Basically I’ve been fucked over by this baby and he hasn’t, and I’m just so angry and jealous of him every single day.

The baby isn’t your issue, your husband is.

I’d discuss this with him properly and if you’re that unhappy then yes, split up.

Have you also discussed your mental health with anyone? You sound very very unhappy and I wonder if there could be any other issues here?

DolphinaPD · 25/05/2022 08:32

Bhagira · 25/05/2022 08:23

Can u use the increase in his salary to pay for an au pair or a nanny? Then you can work full time.

Original poster

Bhagira · 25/05/2022 08:33

I know it’s not his fault that I had pregnancy health issues that resulted in me losing my job, and then there was a pandemic while I was out of work. That doesn’t make me any less jealous that he hasn’t suffered or been disadvantaged like I have. We aren’t equal partners any more because I have basically borne the brunt of all of the shit resulting from this baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bhagira · 25/05/2022 08:34

Can u use the increase in his salary to pay for an au pair or a nanny? Then you can work full time.
The increase in his salary doesn’t cover the decrease in mine. We don’t have money to spare unfortunately.

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 25/05/2022 08:38

Yes you have borne the brunt. It sounds as if he is responding practically without thinking about the emotional impact or thinking of you as a team. It does also sound as if you are stuck grieving what you had. You are imagining him blocking any way forward when those ways forward haven't even happened yet. But that will happen if he's ignoring what's going on in your life.

I'd agree about seeing your GP and arranging a proper talk with him, with a babysitter so you can both concentrate. You as a person should matter more than an hourly rate.

Beachsidesunset · 25/05/2022 08:38

Bhagira - you need help immediately, or bad things will happen. Your baby did not ask to be born into this situation and will bear the brunt of the fallout. Get it sorted.

Ahbisto · 25/05/2022 08:41

Op could you be suffering from depression? I’m a little concerned about how you keep calling your child “this baby” like they are nothing to do with you jist a burden.

when you are earning you will need to get nursery or wrap around care, child minders often start early and do school runs, schools do clubs, and nurseries are usually open later than school hours

you both seem to be arguing about something fixable. Apply for jobs, and then get your child care sorted to work around it, this is what most working families do. We did.

you can’t have been out the workplace for more than three years, so it should not seem as insurmountable by employers, just think through how to address the issues.

id also maybe speak to my gp, if you feel you are not bonding with your child.

Icedlatteplease · 25/05/2022 08:45

I think you need to remember there is a child in the centre of this. So does your husband.

The increase in your salary might not cover the nanny/au pair but does the increase in both of your salaries?

Either way I'm not sure a nanny or au pair would cover all the conference hours you need without costing an awful lot. You both need to seat down and have a discussion about why you had a child and what you jointly intend to do about it now. The child exists. You both need to recognise that responsibility. By only valuing what your DH does, you are completely under valuing what you are doing. If you dont respect it, he definitely won't.

Looking after a child is crap and boring but it has value. Both of you need to remember this.

altiara · 25/05/2022 08:46

Can u use the increase in his salary to pay for an au pair or a nanny? Then you can work full time.
The increase in his salary doesn’t cover the decrease in mine. We don’t have money to spare unfortunately.

You need to consider it though. Short term loss but long term gain if you progress and get promoted a couple of times. Otherwise you’re stuck with him thinking his career is more important.

TottersBlankly · 25/05/2022 08:46

With regard to the exhibition - is it only open to a strictly limited grip up of people? Because I’m wondering why you and your joint child couldn’t have accompanied him on the trip, so you could attend the exhibition as well.

At the moment you apparently have a baby and no working hours tying you to a location. Can you not get out at all, even with the baby, and get yourself to conferences, exhibitions etc that might enhance your return to work prospects?

Why waste time hating him? Concentrate on pushing forward for yourself.

jay55 · 25/05/2022 08:46

Him saying he won't do childcare while you're earning less is preposterous.
You've done your share, he has benefitted greatly and it is now his turn so you can get back on your feet.

TottersBlankly · 25/05/2022 08:48

‘group’, not grip up …

breatheintheamazing · 25/05/2022 08:48

There are a lot of things that have happened here that are totally outside of your DH control so YABU - your illness, covid and childcare etc. how long were you intending on taking off for ML before you got I'll? What was the illness that prevented you from working?

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