Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

Although I understand what you are saying the way you discribe you child “Burden” is worrying. Your DC needs you as much as your work. Lots of mums would love the chance to stay at home with their DC. I think you need to chat to your DH about your feelings. You are getting into a state and talking divorce when really that is OTT. If your a career person then you can restart your career but it is hardly your DH fault for getting on with work as you are poorly at home.
take a back step and think and have a chat. Good luck

Have you actually read the thread?
Speaking as a working mother I've found it's totally manageable but the secret ( or rather the bleeding obvious) is to have a partner who actually supports you and steps up to their responsibility.

Surely though you cant have been out of the workplace more than a couple of years? Can you ask friends in your previous industry ,contact suitable employers and so on? I think most employers would be keen to take you on .You have had a very difficult time of it for sure ,more than most people. You sound exhausted and no wonder!Maybe see if you could arrange a short break ,With husband or maybe on your own to see family?(Or both) You have had your choices taken away and its hard to accept ATM.You are well qualified and no one can take that away from you. Maybe see GP for help .Your DH sounds like he hasnt bonded as a family ,and he needs to realise you need a break.Being tired affects mood and your ability to enjoy your baby .PND is a very natural thing and is routine for GPs Take Care OP sending hugs to you and babe xx

I think you need to go to counselling together - his viewpoint needs to change, it’s not beneficial to the “family fund” to hold you, your career and salary back, never mind that it doesn’t benefit the family unit when you’re miserable. Hopefully he’s genuinely misunderstanding and not hiding behind that to protect his pre-baby life and career. It is completely unreasonable for him to say you will do 100% pick up, drop off and sick days. If he is interested in career for you and him, you take it in turns and split pick up and drop off. It’s not a hit to the family fund or unit, it’s a hit to him, much less than the hit you’ve taken. I’m sorry your DP isn’t more supportive of your life goals and general well-being and happiness. You must feel very trapped.

Your husband is abusive.

Agree. The more you've said the more I'd say your husband is abusive. Ignore his demands and get help for you pnd. If he gave a shit about you he'd want you to get help, not have blocked it.

I feel really sorry for you OP . You have suffered a great loss, your health, enjoyment of motherhood, career and happy relationship. This is like a bereavement and you were prevented from getting help by covid and an abusive husband.
I don’t blame you for being angry. Your husband is being very selfish. He doesn’t want to give up anything - sleep , the best career he can have - and this is all at your expense. It is sadly all too common.

This would be ok if you had agreed to take a back seat but you didn’t. You need to be a team now and he needs to value your health and happiness as well as his and your child’s even if that means that he shares the night wakings and equally prioritises your need to get your career back on track.

Your career can’t wait or you will have a bigger gap on your CV. I think you need to be really strong here. If he won’t support you then the marriage is over .

Sorry OP I’ve read your most recent replies and agree you need to create a life separate from this person. He has limited you receiving help you need, both directly by telling you you can’t and by limiting the time and energy you have to improve your physical and mental well-being. You and him are focused on your anger and jealousy; how convenient for him that his negligence that pushed you to that point is not th topic of discussion. It sounds like he was and is willing to run you into the ground and you deserve an existence without someone feeding off you like this.

I cannot believe he prevented you from seeking help because he felt he might have to step up.

You need to get some help now - it is clear that it is effecting your relationship with your child and you need some professional help

I haven't read any further than this.. OP you need help. Proper, organised, medical help. Many of us are in the position that life hasn't panned out the way we had hoped, physical medical issues after birth, disabled child that cant go to any childcare... all of this is manageable but not without your mental health being addressed and to be threatened with leaving you if you seek treatment is just horrendous.
And ridiculous, does he think social services take every baby where the mother is struggling? What an idiot. Crunch time, you need help in the night (even just weekends to start with), you need to see your GP and you need to address your marriage.

Op sorry you've had a rough time.
Are you well enough- physically and mentally to work?
I think your husband not supporting you to seek help is disgusting. You already sound like you've reaching your limits, and when people get to that point they can't think, see or function properly. Please seek help from your GP as a starting point. You don't need to tell him. Maybe you can when you feel stronger in yourself.

I would be making plans to leave this arsehole, he needs to step up as a parent.

You clearly still have PND and you need to get treatment. If he leaves you because of it, fine, sounds like you'd be better off without him anyway. Use the time he's away to go to the GP. You can't carry on like this.

Because it had a dickhead as a father?

OP you deserve better, if you leave him and get on with it yourself with support for the PND I would bet you having a fulfilling life with your child

OP please don't listen to the people trying to invalidate your feelings. You are angry at the sheer bloody unfairness of the situation and while it's pointless (you know that) it is 100% totally understandable.

This inequity at home is, I believe, the last unspoken bastion of sexism. It holds women back financially, practically, mentally and physically. We should all be much angrier about it I think. All while the men sit on their arses whinging that they are "the main breadwinner" without a thought as to how or why that has happened and no incentive to change it.

How much treatment did you get for your PND?
None. DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment. Because he didn’t want social services interfering in our lives and he wasn’t having his child taken away.
😮😮😮 I hate him too, and if I had to look at him every day and think I married that I would have the burning hate of a 1000 suns. You poor thing. Ok, let’s recap. 1. Your marriage is dead because your husband is a dickwad. 2. You dont have to tell him that now, because you owe him nothing - what is your best option? if it’s staying with him and using his income to help you work out a plan / get a job etc then do that. 3. BEFORE starting on your plan from 2, tell everyone what an arse he is, seek help for your pnd and tell people Dh wouldn’t let me, thought it ‘stigmatised’ me but he just didn’t want people to realise he wasn’t stepping up.

Your husband PREVENTED you from seeking treatment for PND?

That is abusive, controlling, shittily ableist, and dead wrong.

Are you able to access counselling now, OP? Does your husband have an employee assistance program at his fancy job that family members can access? I'm not saying "you need counselling so you can enjoy motherhood more," I think you need counselling so you can build confidence about what to do next and how to leave a partner who has prevented you from accessing medical care and is exploiting you.

Big hugs.

I think there's three issues at play here...

PND
A useless husband
Unrealistic expectations

I wonder if prior to motherhood you really bought in to the notion of equality and truly believed that men and women could live completely equal lives....lots of women do believe it until they have children. They then have their eyes opened to the patriarchy.

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. You need to seek treatment for your Pnd and you need support. Do you have any family or friends that you can speak to? I completely understand the resentment you feel, women have to sacrifice so much to have a child and you can plan as much as you like but life has its own ideas. Theres a lot of things that happened that ate outside your husbands control but he is equally a parent and partner and needs to do his part. You need to have a conversation with your husband about what comes next, you are obviously at breaking point and he can't continue to disregard your suffering.

You are so naieve and have yet to experiance the joys of the working mother. Most working mums are totally stressed and exhausted, pretending to hold it all together, so they can live up the unrealistic expectation that yes women can have it all, but they pay hell of a price for doing so.

I'm a working mother and it's so much easier than being a SAHM in my opinion, especially if you're a person who wants to work and is being prevented from doing so like the OP.

The more you’ve said the clearer it is that you need to leave your DH. To restrict you from getting a job with his egotistical “but I’m the breadwinner” attitude is not on, to not help with your joint child that you both decided to have is not on. But to stop you from getting help for your PND is abusive and very damaging for you and your baby. Please seek help immediately. Do this whilst your DH is away. SS do not get involved purely because of PND. Your DH sounds very controlling and is only thinking of himself. Both you and your baby deserve to be happy and healthy and that isn’t going to happen whilst you’re with your DH, unless he significantly changes his attitude, which sounds unlikely.

All the best to you OP, please try and get better for both you and your baby’s sake.

I would book a two week holiday somewhere nice and leave twatty DH to cope!

Your H just gets worse and worse. Not letting you get treatment for PND in case people find out is just awful and abusive. No, he couldn't/can't take on the physical issues of having a baby but he could help mitigate those for you like any normal person would.

How many work trips are there per year? If you were working, could you hire a nanny to cover those? Or do you have any family (apologies if you've already mentioned) that could have DC during the trips if they clash with your H's trips.

Could you afford a little extra nursery for DC to enable you to prepare and apply for work? i'd make that your priority as much as possible. Yes, you've had an (enforced) career break but hopefully you will find the right fit job especially if you have more time to build up skills you've missed. Is a sideways move possible - do you have transferable skills? Maybe a career coach would help? I'd throw as much as possible into that side and also get some therapy/counselling/drugs for the PND as it sounds like that hasn't been fully resolved. Basically you need to take the (totally understandable) jealousy and turn it into action as far as possible (I know how hard that is though with lack of sleep and doing everything at home). Is there any support you can get in real life outside of H?

It's total bollocks that he can't do any childcare at all because he earns more. Often you can get more flexibility being more senior. And it's his duty to enable you to get back on the career ladder after all you've been through for your family and how much you've enabled him to get ahead. He's setting up an impossible task for you - "I'm not going to help until you match my salary" is utter shit. It's your turn now. Unless he'd rather get divorced and split all assets and pay maintenance? I think not. I suspect however, that might be the only way for you to be happy going forward. I've been single with a very tiny DC and doing it all yourself, your way with no H to deal with (and with EOW off) is so much easier.

When you find a suitable job, could you hire a live in nanny? So that you wouldn't have to take time off work, for the child being sick. I'd expect both you and your husband to pay for the nanny.

He said he’ll share equally again when I match his salary

Fucksake.

What a fucking prince.

"Here are 2 cars my darling. One ids a lambourghini, & the other is a nissan micra. Let's race to the end of the track, & whoever wins gets to keep the lambo.
Oh! - you're driving the micra. See ya!"