Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

Wtf? Your dh sounds vile and borderline abusive. This is not acceptable. He doesn't get to call the shots on whether you receive treatment or not. Based on your later posts it sounds to me as if he is thoroughly exploiting your misfortune. I don't say this often but I don't think you should stay married to this man. He's got no. Concern for. You or probably your child. Yes even if you leave you will probably have to do all of the child care but you still shouldn't be in such an unequal relationship.

I don’t know what sort of job you have but in my experience being able to leave the office around two ish to pick up kids is very rare unless you’re part time. I’m glad you are used to this flexibility but many don’t have it. In addition you tnem need to care for the child after.

I honestly don’t understand the school issue, if this is the op and her husband have already picked a school with no after school clubs and the op won’t use a child minder, then it seems she’s partly responsible for the situation she’s in. He’s already said he will do the drop offs she says. The kids not even in school yet and she doesn’t have a job.

im also really not understanding the whole employers telling her she can’t work due to three or four years out, many many women are able to get back to work after such a small gap, and she said she was only now applying, so how many interviews can she have had where folks said this.

I suspect a lot of this is down to pnd which needs treating, if her husband did refuse to let her see a doctor about her pnd then this is hugely abusive and unforgivable .

What the OP needs is a wife. She can then dump everything on her and get on with her life.

You're right he has royally fucked you over by refusing his part of the bargain. Your options are go back to work and if you both have work commitments you need to share the cost of childcare or you separate. You can get your career back it's definitely not too late but if he won't help you'll have to do it yourself, which you totally can do xxx

As PP have said, in a divorce situation you can't MAKE a father do 50/50 parenting. But you can't make the mother do it either.

So what happens if the mother says fuck this, I'll do EOW short-term whilst I address my PND, my physical health issues and get myself back into work - all of which is for the sake of my child as much as myself - and all of which I was prevented from doing whilst in this relationship?

Men walk out on their kids all the time and still get EOW or whatever. I'm not advocating mothers walking out on their children, it's damaging. But if, as a temporary measure, it is the only way of sorting your life out so that you can "enjoy your child" as so many posters have ordered you do..... it's just something to think about. I know I'll get flamed for this.

You need to speak to a professional who can validate your feelings. I think you will feel a weight lifted from the alone. Tackle the PND and the rest will come. Of course, your husband will have to put up childcare while you go to the appointments which he probably won't so.....see above.

@Goldfishjones if neither parent wants the child he'll be fostered. That's not a temporary measure you take lightly and there's no guarantee you'd be able to just reverse that decision when you wanted to.

Of course. So depressing isn't it. So the OP was right, she has been fucked over hasn't she? Because she doesn't strike me as someone who would do that but I doubt she has confidence in her husband taking on all the childcare.

@Goldfishjones I think if she can learn to trust professionals a little bit she'd do very well going it alone. She'd be happier than she is now, for sure.

My youngest hates child care - always has, I think always will. He would prefer to be home (even if in another room to me) than be somewhere else. When he was a toddler, he had to go (after being peeled off me screaming) so I could work (part time), now he still has to go because we don't live near other kids, and he does need to spend time with others outside of school sometimes. Plus it means someone else sorts out dinner for me 3 days a week.

Childminders are brilliant - mine find nursery a bit stressful, but in someone else's family home they get on much better (even DS2 who hates it), plus I find them more flexible - you just have to find one you get on with, and not feel bad about withdrawing them if it's not working with one particular one.

So what happens if the mother says fuck this, I'll do EOW short-term whilst I address my PND, my physical health issues and get myself back into work - all of which is for the sake of my child as much as myself - and all of which I was prevented from doing whilst in this relationship?

@Goldfishjones it's an excellent question, and yes, you'll probably get flamed because we are all still conditioned to think that women are "natural" mothers and any woman who "abandons" her child is evil or mentally ill. But not just human.

Whereas fathers/men do it All.The.Time. And I read here every day of the way that women turn themselves inside out to keep everything stable for their children, when the chidren's fathers don't give a fuck.

I really feel for the OP - she's so stuck. She's still attached to the experience of her marriage before children & the partnership she & her husband had. But her husband has shown her who he is - an abusive bastard, who does not love her or see her as an equal partner.

She will have to do a lot of work on herself to detach herself emotionally, at the same time as caring for her son, and fully recovering her physical & mental health.

I doubt @Bhagira is still reading (given how unempathetic many early posts were) but if you are OP good luck

Well I don't see things like you do. The husbands isn't at fault for the health problems she has had when giving birth that then led to her having to take time off work and therefore the business had to let her go. That really isn't anyone's fault. Of course her husband had to get on with his job and a promotion clearly has helped the finances but even then OP says finances are tight so imagine if he hadn't got it just to make her feel better by not moving on with his career.

End of the day OP had a vision of how it would be, pop out baby, go back to job all would be fine but that hasn't happened and its not entirely the fault of one person.

And most of all she should not of bowed down to peer pressure to have a child.

@Dreamstate

The husbands isn't at fault for the health problems she has had when giving birth that then led to her having to take time off work and therefore the business had to let her go.

Not the birth injuries, no.

But he is absolutely at fault for emotionally blackmailing her into not seeking treatment for her PND. What a disgustingly cruel thing to do to the mother of your baby.

@Dreamstate you are gliding past the H's behaviour here & working quite hard to place blame on a woman who is on her knees with misery & exhaustion.
I wonder why that is?

Do you also feel the H is not "at fault" for threatening to leave his wife if she dared to seek medical help for her PND?

If my husband said that to me, it wouldn't stop me short of being tied up. I agree the husband shouldn't of said that and that he is wrong to have to.

In my first post I said putting aside the husband issues like telling her not to get help for pnd, im focusing on the other bits the bits that aren't his fault. To bring a balance because all OP is doing is blaming everything on him.

There is a lot that is not his fault as well and only way OP can really move on and get better is if she recognises and deals with it all properly like recognising the health issues are what they are - noones fault. lessen the resentment somewhat

Just like OP is saying she is jealous of her friend and now doesn't interact with her much - how is that her friends fault? Therefore she shouldn't be resentful or jealous of her friend.

If my husband said that to me, it wouldn't stop me short of being tied up.
Congratulations on not being in a coercively controlling marriage.

I agree the husband shouldn't of said that and that he is wrong to have to.
"Wrong" ?!!
You think he was "wrong to have SAID it"?

But you're not going to fash yourself with the reasons he said it, & the ominous implications about the kind of man who WOULD say it?
Or what state of mind a wife must have been ground down into that she's too scared/impotent to challenge it?
Or what that dynamic must be like to live in day after day, isolated & unheard?

This isn't a man who said something stupid in a one-off error.
It is a man who is systematically financially & emotionally abusing his wife.

Yeah, it's a much better plan to simply switch off inconvenient feelings innit.

The thing is @Dreamstate - how is a human being to do that?
It's quite a trick. You should write a book.

Well I'm indian I get tons of pressure to get married have a kid, for years but I stand my ground. I get not everoyne is the same.

Like I said you cannot blame the husband for her having injuries from giving birth that ultimately led to her losing her job. She needs to recognise that isn't her husbands fault that happened and him progressing in his career isn't his fault either. At the very least the promotion provided some much needed money esp. if things are still tight financially with the promotion.

She also needs to realise her perfect plan of how it would work out hasn't and her resentment for that needs to be let go and get on with making best of the current situation.

Remaining jealous and resentful of a past life isn't helping her and nor is it all her husbands fault.

Just because I don't shout about how awful her husband is or validate all her points doesn't mean I am defending the husband at all.

KettrickenSmiled
I meant when she and her (excuse for a )husband are both happily back following their wonderful careers.

I am really shocked people are rushing in to kick the husband

Really? I'm shocked at all the people trying to defend the husband say it's not his fault etc.

The OP says the only free time she has is when the child is have it's free nursery hours which means her DH isn't pulling his weight even on the days he's not working. He gets to sit around watching TV in the evenings when every thing falls on OP. He scared her out of seeking help or medical attention. He won't do anything to support her getting back to work despite the clear hurt it's doing her.

This isn't a misunderstanding or her mental state, this is him being abusive and using the child to trap her in a miserable situation.

This isn't the OP getting unreasonably upset because he can't do 50/50 while she doesn't work, this is him doing 0/100 and relying on the fact that the OP will put her baby first (which she is) to her own detriment.

Even the man with the most important man job ever gets days off work which he could use to take his child and give his suffering wife chance to look for jobs/do training/sleep etc.

Presumably you aren't in an abusive relationship where your husband has effectively made it impossible for you to work, therefore making you financially dependent on him.

And btw if you were suffering with PND, feeling incredibly low and your partner who is supposed to love and support you says he will leave you if you seek treatment... you have absolutely no idea what you'd do. At all.

When you're at your lowest, on your knees, if someone basically says well I'll leave you on top of all that so you won't have ANY help with the baby and will still not be able to work... you'd be confused, scared and easily coerced into not seeking help.

The arrogance of your post is unreal.

It's as helpful as posting on a thread about domestic violence and saying "if MY husband hit ME then short of being tied up, I would just leave him". It might be the case, but it's insensitive as fuck to say it to someone going through it and just makes them feel even shitter. Jesus.

OP hasn't wrote about a previous history of abuse other than that statement so how is it an abusive relationships that's been happening over time that it would grind a person down.

You have your opinion, I have mine that's all and I was responding to someone not saying that directly to OP.

You know an abusive relationship is an abusive relationship whether it's been abusive for one year or ten years, yes?

She was ground down. By a traumatic birth (not his fault), not being able to work due to birth injuries (not his fault), by him not allowing her to go back to work by making it impossible for her as well as telling her he doesn't want her to (absolutely his fault) and then, disgustingly, emotionally blackmailing her into not seeking treatment for her PND (again, absolutely his fault).

If he 'only' punched her once, then also made it impossible for her to go back to work, you would presumably (hopefully) describe that as an abusive relationship. Same applies here. Something happening once, whether a punch or a denial of medical care, doesn't mean it's not abusive.

Of course it's an abusive relationship if you're emotionally blackmailed into not seeking medical treatment and your partner makes it impossible for you to work and be financially independent.

I was in a situation not so far off from OPs, and one thing that's also being missed here, is that if her husband has checked out of looking after the child, then you feel an extra burden to be present for them because the other parent isn't.

My kids don't like childcare. I make them go 3 afterschools a week so I can work (I work full time, but freelance, so the rest of my work I do early in the morning or late at night). I'm a single parent with a disinterested ex (who was disinterested during the relationship too - so that at least was a plus - the kids didn't notice he'd gone because they barely saw him anyway, so weren't disturbed by the split)

It's a balancing act - work, your own mental health, your kids mental health etc. I can see why OP wants exactly the right childcare for her child because of that - but she does need to just swallow that guilt/worry and do it. It's the only choice.