Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

OP your husband is either dramatically misinformed or he’s a massive dickhead. You don’t get social service involvement simply because you have PND. You are a person and you have a right to a life and health and you have a right to support. Including mental health support.

How much treatment did you get for your PND?
None. DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment. Because he didn’t want social services interfering in our lives and he wasn’t having his child taken away.

Dear god, that's tipping over into being an abusive arsehole. Social services are not interested in women with PND, it's something your GP can treat, I had treatment myself. He was just worrying about having to step up and parent, I would suspect he never had any intention of 50/50.

The more you update, the more I think you should not be jealous... be angry. Very angry.

But first, ignore the posters who are picking up on your choice of words and worrying you're blaming the baby as a person. FFS. It was obvious what you meant and you're right, having this baby has screwed you over.

Until your last update, I was going to say that your DH is a dick and that if he's not willing to contribute in some way to you working and having a life etc, then you should leave. But then I read about how he refused to let you get treatment for PND and now I say he's abusive and controlling and you should get out.

Divorce him. Get your share of the assets. Insist on child maintenance. He probably won't get (or want) 50/50 custody so you'll get the maintenance and if he has EOW and Wednesdays or whatever, that's at least some time that you'll be free.

How old is your child/children?

I think he needs to be more flexible but at the same time. Obviously if he's working abroad/at a conference, etc. its not practical for him to drop everything for childcare needs.

I had/have a career before children. Yes it's changed. But by its nature my job is more flexible than his. Though there are times where his is more flexible than mine.

Things have changed recently for us and I'm in a new job, after a recent redundancy, and he's having to be more flexible.

You need to sit him down and have an honest conversation with him.

I have never felt so sorry for a baby in my whole life

Do you have a relative that you can go and stay with for a week or two? I think you need some time away from being treated so badly and to give your future some thought

Definitely no SS referral for postnatal counselling without evidence of neglect. SS don't have time to police mothers' feelings about motherhood! I'm so sorry about your DH. He is a real piece of work.

When you find a job, would the 2 jobs together allow for a nanny?

Basically I’ve been fucked over by this baby

I'm not going to judge you for saying this but you sound very detached from your child. Which makes me think you should seek help from your doctor for pnd.

Now this is utter bullshit. I believe that you deserve to sleep as much as him.

1 weekend day lay in each. And a night of not dealing with child.

Week days - if you get up in the night, he gets up at 5am. And alternate.

Though, if he's going away on a trip, he should give you a night or 2 off before hand as he'll get the benefit of being away.

Op how old is your child please? You really should not be getting penalised and having to update your skills for two or three years out. Have you had any interviews?

Because their dad is useless? That's the only reason you have to feel sorry for this baby.
The OP has fallen into the same trap so many women have fallen into. First they stay at home with their babies, then their DH progresses in his career, and suddenly he's so important he couldn't possibly step up and actually do any parenting at all.
You are right to be jealous and angry OP. I would move heaven and earth to get a job, even if it means you will spend a big part of your combined salaries on childcare, and even if you have to start at a lower level than where you left off. No way would I risk being dependent on such a useless man as your DH when your marriage already sounds very rocky.
You will get a job OP, you haven't been away for a decade so it can be done, unfortunately you may have to compromise. But please believe that your life doesn't have to stay the way it is now.

And he'll have to be flexible then...

You need counselling to help you find ways to enjoy and appreciate the joys of motherhood.

No, she needs a husband that will actually step up to his responsibility as a father.

You should have let him fucking leave!!

SS do not get involved in PND - they couldn't as far too many women suffer from it (wonder why??) and they're overwhelmed and overworked already with families and children in desperate need.

Who does he think he is?

Stop crying and start planning how you're going to address this. And if it means ditching him, then so be it

This. This is the age old dire story of the women being left to do everything and take all the impact of having children. It is rarely equal.

No.

She needs advice on how to deal with her arse of a husband

But when you get a job...?

Is there any chance your husband feels like by taking on the 'bigger' role that he's helping? What I mean is if you're saying you haven't been successful yet with finding work ( I'm assuming then you have no income) maybe your husband then feels he had no choice but to try and earn more to make up for the loss of earnings?

Well don't.

It's better for all of you.

Anyone who prevents (either through coercion or physically) another person from accessing medical or psychological treatment is abusive.

What you describe is unforgivable, OP - this man is not fit to be anyone’s partner.

I cannot imagine going through the injury and suffering you have endured and being denied necessary treatment.

Of course PND doesn’t inevitably lead to having your children taken away! That was a lie he concocted to terrorise and control you.

I suggest you contact your GP today. If accessing therapy means getting divorced that would be a positive result for you.

Are you serious? Read the whole thread before making ridiculous comments like this.

Did you bother to read any of the thread?

I feel sorry for you OP and your child. You've been through a very tough time.
I don't think it's helpful to blame your husband for everything though. He's not to blame for your birth injury or the pandemic.
That is the thing about pregnancy and birth : it kills and injures women. And that's why it's important to think things through and plan as much as possible. I'm sure there are other women who have experienced this who may advise. Additionally families who have children with disabilities will also have an understanding of the change in expectations and ability to live their lives in comparison to what they'd hoped for.
It's totally understandable that you are mourning your previous freedom but you also are lucky enough to have a lovely child too. I don't think taking your frustration out on your husband will ultimately do you any favours at all. He sounds like he could be more supportive but you're coming across like he's had a promotion (that presumably you're benefitting from?) just to spite you?
I think you would benefit from couples counselling.

You need to leave your husband, ASAP. Then you need to sort through your feelings for your child. You have been through hell, but the way you speak about your baby isn't ok.

You need immediate help working out if you an overcome how you feel and react. You don't deserve what's happened, but your child does deserve to be in a loving home, the formative years are so important developmentally for teaching a child how to form relationships.