Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

He's earning your only income because he won't allow you work. Does he not see that?

Your dp sounds like a right knob. What on earth.
My dp is the earner, I just work a small, badly paid part-time job. It doesn't matter though, my dp pays childcare whilst I'm at work because it's a family cost. If our ds is unwell either one of us takes the day off, depending on who had to take the last day off.
Also, even if you didn't go back to work, you are equally as valuable ffs.. You need to not be exhausted for your day with your ds, just like he does for work. Both are difficult to do when you're sleep deprived, as you know.
Your dp sounds incredibly selfish, and you need to have a serious conversation with him.

It's very easy in theory to say that it will be 50/50. Reality is that it rarely is. I understand. This inequality permeates into every aspect of life without even realising it.

Applying for jobs isn’t going well either. Employers are saying it’s a problem that I’ve been out of work. They have other candidates who don’t have a gap on their CV. They’re asking what I’m doing to update my skills. Well currently my son gets part-time free nursery so I get 2 hours a day in front of the computer, which I use to apply for jobs. I don’t have time to work on skills or anything else.

I’ve tried applying for junior roles but I’m competing with people ten years younger who don’t have kids. And even if I get a junior role, by the time I work back up to my previous position I’ll have lost even more time, and I’ve lost enough already. It’s just so depressing. Why are employers so against hiring someone who’s been out of work for a few years 😔

Unfortunately you cant share the damage done to your body through pregnancy. It's ok to be angry and sad that this has Happened to you but there is no point being angry at your DH for this. He can't change what has happened to you

What do you think he would say if you told him you want a divorce because he has treated you so badly? Is he likely to get it at all?

I know how you feel OP. Not the exact set of circumstances but I was so fucking jealous of my DP after baby was born. Watching him going out to work without a regard for me being at home was infuriating. I was eaten up with jealously.

Didn't end well and we split. I now out earn him.

It's very easy in theory to say that it will be 50/50. Reality is that it rarely is. I understand. This inequality permeates into every aspect of life without even realising it.
Honestly I’m on the verge of walking out and just leaving him to cope. Because it’s the only way I’ll get my life back. As long as we’re together this is going to be dumped on me.

What do you think he would say if you told him you want a divorce because he has treated you so badly?
I have threatened and he just said go then. Because he’s sick of arguing because I’m so angry and resentful all the time. Of course he’d expect me to take our child and he’d continue swanning off to work all week.

I’ve tried applying for junior roles but I’m competing with people ten years younger who don’t have kids.

Neither of those things matter. A good employer won't discriminate on age and won't know you have kids unless you tell them.
If they ask about the career break, you were caring for a relative.
It's not a lie.

I would also be furious with him OP and would be thinking of the door. It’s the disrespect for where you are now and your previous agreement. plus you are clearly distressed about it so he should be supporting you as your loving partner. I’m sure he finds it very convenient for you to do all the ‘wife’ work.

the per hour thing sounds like utter nonsense unless he is literally paid by the hour?

i outearn my husband, significantly, but I share childcare and sick days with him. Never occurred to me not too as I respect the contributions we both bring. Senior roles generally mean more flexibility/autonomy about catching up hours - if this is the case for your industry you need to call bullshit on this too.

my DH did try to pull some nonsense about his career when I was on my first mat leave. I think men find that kind of internalised misogyny about their job and importance very hard to shake off.

I agree with others that you should look at how you are feeling now in the round and assess what needs to happen - childcare, cleaner, mental health support etc. like peeling the layers of an onion to address all the issues. I hope you are able to enjoy your little one - if not then please do reach out for support with that as a priority as well.

It’s a shit situation you’re in. It sounds like it would help enormously if your DH could just acknowledge that and say he’ll help you to improve your situation. How much treatment did you get for your PND? It sounds like on top of the shit situation you’re still struggling with your mental health a bit too?

My dh goes out every single weekend with his friends. I rarely go out. I often think when he's swanning out the door, if we split up, he'd be stuck at home every other weekend looking after the DC by himself. If we do split up, I'd actually have more free time and he'd have less.

Oh OP, I totally understand why you feel so angry and resentful. Through a mixture of unfortunate circumstances and lack of support from your DH, you have ended up in a situation that is very far away from what you wanted and what you feel you signed up for.

Of course when we choose to have children, we all take our chances in terms of pregnancy, birth etc but quite frankly you have had some really awful luck and I imagine this was pretty shocking and traumatising in itself. Nobody imagines they are going to be in the minority that has such a bad pregnancy and birth injuries. Sure, we know it's theoretically possible but the reality of it happening is obviously very different and has impacted all aspects of your life.

Compound that with a pandemic, childcare issues and an unsupportive DH and you are understandably livid. You now feel trapped in a life that isn't of your choosing and have the added trauma of seeing your DH progress in the career you wanted for yourself.

I honestly think most people (men and women) would struggle to come to terms with such a succession of events and I think you're totally normal to be struggling now with the current reality you are living. The thing is though, directing all of this anger and energy at your DH is not going to massively help the situation without a clear action plan of how you want to move forward (with or without your DH). I do think talking through what has happened with a professional could help you come to terms with it all and take some of the emotional charge out of the situation. You need to make such important decisions and plans as rationally as you can so you can plot a way forward that will bring you to a better place.

You need a referral to a health psychologist who can help you deal with your physical problems, especially if those are going to be long term. You also need help with what seems very like PND.

Your child will soon be eligible for free nursery time, at which point you will be able to work at least part time. Make a plan to start taking you towards that now - whether courses, extra training, ferocious networking in your industry or whatever revives your career opportunities. Register with agencies or talk to agencies about the actions you can take now to get into a position where you can confidently apply for jobs in say a year’s time. Treat this as your job for now.

Tell your DH that this is your plan and that he needs to spend this time working on his career so that he can do his share when you go back to work- that might mean more promotions so that he has more flexibility or a move to a more flexible employer.

You need to work as a team on this because you all stand to benefit. DO NOT have another baby until all this is sorted.

Can I ask why you stand for this and don’t make time to go out yourself?

I know women who share 50/50 custody with their ex. They have a much better life than the women I know who are still with the father of their children.

@ShirleyPhallus I don't often have anywhere to go...I have a small group of friends and as they are women are often busy with family commitments. Dh has loads of friends who are always available for a quick drink in the pub because their wives are doing everything!

I'm really sorry to hear this.

I don't think you are necessarily suffering from PND, although I do think you should talk to someone, if only to assist with some of the loneliness of not having so much adult company and being neglected in your marriage. And to help you cope with this without it affecting your bond with your little one. I remember feeling totally broken physically with my first (my husband was also working hard and away from home, so I was lonely too), going to a physio, who said "yes you are broken, you may or may not be able to get it back with exercises, but who cares, you have a healthy baby" and this made things 100% worse. Having a baby is a blessing, of course, but you are also a person in your own right. I can totally understand that you feel as if you have lost "you". And your DH is a shit for not wanting to help and hiding behind the ego trip of being a breadwinner.

I think you need to tell him (not ask him) that you need couples counselling. I think he needs to hear himself, tbh. Because he would never treat a friend as he is treating you. Nor would he wish to be treated that way himself. He does need to be prepared to give you some more sleep, some breathing room and some time at the weekend to research job options - maybe if he did all the childcare at the weekend for a couple of months whilst you found a job he might understand. And then to help you to find a way to make it work. Presumably, you now have a little one who gets free hours, or is close to getting them, such that it is worthwhile having you work? So, you need to find something that will help you get on the ladder - it might not be the same, and certainly won't entirely match your DH for the moment, but something. And your DH has to give you the flexibility to work. Otherwise, your marriage will fail. Is there someone friendly in the company that you left that you could ask for news of an opening now that your health is better? Are there other contacts you could approach for something, even if not as good as what you had? Motherhood can be a total bummer career wise, but your working life will be long; getting a foot on the ladder is the toughest bit. Good luck.

How much treatment did you get for your PND?
None. DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment. Because he didn’t want social services interfering in our lives and he wasn’t having his child taken away.

Basically I think he realised that if it became public knowledge that I was struggling, he’d get told that I should be doing less and he should step up, and he wasn’t going to risk that happening. It’s telling that his only options were “wife needs to cope or baby will be taken away”. No option of stepping up himself to replace me.

This is really sad. Please text those women TODAY and organise something lovely for a few weeks time, everyone leave your men to it, don’t feel guilty or rush back

you’re absolutely entitled to free time, please don’t stand for this

DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment. Because he didn’t want social services interfering in our lives and he wasn’t having his child taken away

Oh my gosh, this is just terrible. He's an awful man to stop you seeking treatment. SS don't take babies away because of PND. Loads of women have it. Doctors and HV are used to seeing women with pnd.

Bitterness, jealousy, resentment, hatred are all awful things to feel.

You need counselling to help you find ways to enjoy and appreciate the joys of motherhood.

OP your husband is either dramatically misinformed or he’s a massive dickhead. You don’t get social service involvement simply because you have PND. You are a person and you have a right to a life and health and you have a right to support. Including mental health support.

Thank you for your kind message @ShirleyPhallus yes, it's the guilt that gets to me. DH doesn't and wouldn't stop me going out...I just feel terrible about doing things for myself!