Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

Also I agree with timeisnotaline.

Blocking you getting medical treatment is abuse you know. Right there. Without any of his other shitty behaviour.

I wonder if prior to motherhood you really bought in to the notion of equality and truly believed that men and women could live completely equal lives....lots of women do believe it until they have children. They then have their eyes opened to the patriarchy.
Yes I did believe that men and women were equal. That’s what you’re taught all the way through school and university. I thought sexism was in the past. Women work now, they do everything men do, they can be pilots and engineers and doctors, they go out and drink and have sex on their own terms, and there’s a lot of talk about equal parenting. I never really saw any difference between me and a man. Until I had a baby. Then my body was fucked, I lost my job, the full burden of childcare was dumped on me and I’m being rejected for new jobs because of everything that’s happened. I didn’t know it was like this and I didn’t expect it.

Social services do not have time to go hassling every mother with PND, why the fuck did he think that would happen?!

I suspect you’re being abused OP and don’t realise it because you’re thick in the middle of a severe mental health crisis.

But fate had other ideas

Fate brought you a traumatic birth and then a pandemic. But your husband being an arse is entirely him and in his control. He does sound controlling, especially with regards to not allowing you to get help with your PND. I would be getting things in order to separate from him.

They’re asking what I’m doing to update my skills. Well currently my son gets part-time free nursery so I get 2 hours a day in front of the computer, which I use to apply for jobs. I don’t have time to work on skills or anything else.

It's almost a side issue at the moment, given the crux of the problem is your husband, but I would use that two hours a day to update your skills and then look at applying for jobs. If all that is happening is that you're being told you lack skills, then using your precious time for applications is not going to help. Or, when he comes home in the evening, pack up your laptop, walk out, and leave your H to do some parenting whilst you go elsewhere and use the time to develop your skills and apply for jobs.

ok what he said about taking on an equal role when you earn the same as him is utterly shitty. He knows you won’t be able to if you are basically juggling a job and sole care of a child if your job would require travel. Can you put the little one into nursery and pay a minder to pick ups and drop offs? And then is there any family that could take over for conferences?

i’m not surprised you are angry tbh.

Take care of yourself, it sounds like you've had such a tough time. Your H sounds like a dick tbh. You need as mcuh support as he can give to help you get out of this situation.

I'm angry on your behalf OP. This situation is so bloody unfair, and your DH wants to keep the status quo because it suits him. You need to fight hard to re establish your career, so you are in a position to manage without your DH, or you risk still being in the same, or worse position, 20 years down the line. He has made it clear that your welfare is of no importance to him, so you owe him nothing in turn.

I was also taught that op. I went to a private girls school which went to great lengths to make us believe we could be entirely equal. We weren't even taught home economics because it was considered sexist to teach girls cooking. Seems ridiculous considering I now have to cook every single day of my life!

But yes, your eyes have now been opened. Women are lied to.

Your husband is so horrible. He’s being an absolute arsehole to you and he doesn’t give a shit.

There is no need for you to accept this status quo @Comedycook

You could meet a woman friend at her home in the evenings.
What would happen of you told DH tonight: "I'm off to Fiona's on friday for supper, then Fiona's on saturday - so you're on parent duty this weekend."

How would he react if you just expected him to parent his own children?

I am AGHAST that he stopped you seeking help for your PND. You have been through such a trauma, your life has been turned completely upside down and he's expecting you to just get on with it and stop complaining? Fuck him. What a fucking arsehole.

You need immediate help for your severe PND. You need practical support to help you with your baby while you're recovering physically and mentally. Then you can start thinking about how to get your career back on track, given how important it is to you. This will feel - and be - a lot more possible once you're well. I know this because I had the exact same feelings after my daughter was born, and now, four years on, my career is in a better place than ever - different to what I had planned, but so much better. But I couldn't possibly have imagined that when I was in the grip of PND.

Honestly, this aside, I would leave your husband. But I appreciate that's a big decision. But I just cannot believe he prevented you from seeking medical help for what is a very serious, life-threatening condition. He's put you and your baby in danger with his selfishness.

Do you have any other family who could support you and/or help you take care of the baby for a little while?

Having read the rest of the thread the fact that he stopped you from getting treatment for PND is abusive, he keeps you tired and depressed. LTB.

Fuck him. Time to sort you out, fuck what he wants. If he leaves then it might be a blessing. He's royally done you over OP.

You have two issues - you're seriously depressed and your husband is a horrible, lazy, controlling, cruel dickhead. What sort of person prevents their partner from getting treatment? You need to ditch him, fast.

The bad news is, he likely won't step up and look after his child. There really isn't anything you can do about that and likely your child is better off without this arsewipe in their life anyway.

You need to get help for your depression - fuck what this horrible idiot thinks. Once you do that you will find the strength to get rid of the dead weight of your so-called husband.

It’s horrific that he blocked you from receiving treatment for PND. As PP have said, it’s abusive.
Doesn’t he realise if you divorced and insisted on 50/50 custody his career would take a setback as he would have to step up?

What a cunt your husband is. Since you've suffered so much as a result of having a baby, it's his turn to take a step back whilst you focus on your career - it's his child too, and it's utterly unfair for your career to be ruined because suddenly he's too big for his boots and refuses to do any actual parenting stuff like drop-offs, pick-ups etc.

This is YOUR turn to do the career stuff, not his - and it will benefit the family far more to have you both in work, climbing the ladder, than for just him to work and you be stuck at home or in a menial role because he won't do any bloody parenting.

Equally you get to build a close relationship with your child, get to know them and have the freedom to go where you want all day. You can jump in the car , if you have one, and go where you like. Maybe you can donsome online stuff to keep up to date with your profession so you can return to work later.
You'll never get this time back with your child. You're lucky to be able to be a sahm and not have to put them in nursery. Try to be positive. Once they start school you'll have more options but you might also miss being with them all day.

@KettrickenSmiled nothing would happen...he'd be fine with it. It was more of an example of how men just seem to continue with their lives after kids...he will go out, he doesn't need to check if I'm available at home to watch the kids, he assumes I will be and he's right, he'll get ready at his leisure... whereas if I go out, I'll check he will be at home, I'll make tea, I'll rush round making sure everything is done before I leave etc.

Women just seem to drift into this mode after kids. They're invariably the default parent. It's a very hard trap to avoid as the op is realising.

your husband is a bastard. An utter arse. I am so sorry.

But I truly believe that if the op manages to match his salary, he still won't do his share. If he did do his share, she'd be in a better position to match his salary. It's a vicious circle

HE IS SUCH A BULLSHITTER. 😡😡😡💩

Children don't get "taken away" because mum has PND, or at least 10& of all UK would be in care right now.

DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment.
FFS. This is outright psychological abuse.
Who knows about this in your real life OP?

No fucking wonder you are angry. Not only have you suffered with the awful birth circumstances & ongoing medical issues, but you were bullied into concealing your symptoms. You CANNOT continue like this - you must feel so isolated!
People who actually love you would be appalled by DH. Which is why you need to shine a light on the truth. Abuse thrives in secrecy, & your DH is abusing you - emotionally & financially. He is a coercive controller.
I am sorry these words must be very hard to read OP.

Please keep posting,
And PLEASE open up - at least to your best friend, & your most trusted family member. You need to be heard, & validated in real life - & it is precisely this - this total lack of validation - that is keeping you depressed & unable to see beyond the current negativity.

Oh god you need to leave straight away op. Well - kick him out.

xxxxxx

There are some separate issues here, childcare can be 50/50 but your DH is being massively unreasonable and frankly abusive. I sought help with PNA after the birth of my DS and never heard from social services. I spoke to my GP and then the antenatal MH team (all appointments/CBT offered over the phone even pre pandemic). No one knew that I did not wish to tell. Have you considered getting some help with how you feel?

Have you checked if you can get help with childcare- tax free childcare or UC help? Could you spend one of your hours doing something to update your skills and ease off the applications while you are doing that. Would it help you mentally to get a job even if in a different sector at a lower level to get you out of the house and interacting with adults?

(and FWIW I hate him too)