Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

If you split up then the baby should be with him 50% of the time. So it might not be the worst way forward. He needs to step up and look after his child.

think you need to remember there is a child in the centre of this. So does your husband

this, it’s very concerning about how you write about your child bothering you and effectively noth you and your husband are arguing as neither wants to look after them.

if you get a job then will be eligible for nursery hours, your pay and his will then pay for the rest. Your work gap is not too long, there is no reason you cannot get a job

you are both so fixated on not being the one responsible when paid child care is a thing and you both need to remember there is a little child here in the middle who has a father washing his hands and a mother who is crying when caring for him and not wishing to. It’s so damaging,

get your job applications in when your child is asleep. Investigate child care Inc child minders, au pairs and day nannies, and the pair of you get youtselves sorted.

Yikes, this is what I was always afraid would happen if we had kids (also work in same field as DH). It's way more fraught that the same imbalance would be if you had unrelated careers, I think.

If my DH had a bad patch in his career, such as a gap between short term contracts, I'd be trying to cover for him to enable him to get back up to speed, despite the difficulties of covering childcare and a more responsible role at work. He would expect that (because men have high expectations for themselves - as should women) and I would accept it because we have to support each other. What would your DH have expected if the tables were turned? Could you get him to think about it this way?

You sound so sad,yes your situation is not how you planned.What can you do to change it maybe go down a different path for work.Life throws us so many challenges but there can be light at the end ,yes it’s hard but you have a baby who needs you to be a happier person not eaten up by jealousy.I wish you well.

I think you’re within your rights to be livid- he’s changed the terms of your relationship and family plans when it’s already had a negative impact on you. A respectful husband would be doing everything possible to support you back to work to restore the balance if he understood it was so important to you.

He’s also being short sighted about the family fund. It doesn’t sound like his salary increase covers the entire loss of your salary so the best case scenario for the family fund is for him to share childcare and get you back to work. He might take some small knocks by losing a few hours but you’d be gaining an entire person’s salary. He’s either a bit dim if he can’t see that or it suits him for you to remain at home shouldering the childcare burden!

So much of this is not his fault and to say you have been fucked over by the baby is pretty concerning.

He's not more valuable than you because he has a job. You are doing incredibly important work yourself taking care of your child. I would argue more important. I wish I hadn't focused on career so long that now I may not experience motherhood. Being a parent seems far more important and impactful for me. You are raising a person who will go out on the world and possibly do amazing things in teh future. Someday your husband will be retired and his life will hopefully revolve around family and friends too and work will seem like a memory. I do think he needs to be more flexible so that you can go back to work too though. More and more companies are realising dad's are caregivers too and becoming more flexible to that.

I really feel for you op - definitely worth considering if you have depression? But your H is BU. And if he's got a promotion then he should be able to be more flexible not less. My experience is the more senior you are the more control you have over your own diary.

I do get how you feel. I love my career and was worried about not getting back to it after mat leave. And your H needs to support you in getting back to what you love doing.

This.
You need help OP. Contact your GP or health visitor.

You've mentioned health issues and being CEV. Taking childcare out of the equation for a moment if a role similar to the one you lost, or better, became available would you be able to do the job?

If the answer to that is no, then that might be why your husband has adopted his current stance. I'm not saying this is what is happening, just a thought.

I think you are justifiably angry.
You both had a child but he is refusing to shoulder any of the responsibility.

Me and DH work in the same field (but for different organisations). Due to his age and his extra experience he earns more than me but NEVER uses that as an excuse to not do childcare. We compromise.

If anything, when you get a job he should take on more responsibility while you get settled as he already has a proven track record.

She has been fucked over by having a baby though. It doesn't mean she doesn't love her child. It doesn't mean she's got a mental health problem. She's got a DH problem and telling her it's her mental health that's causing her distress puts the onus on her to find a way to get comfortable with the way he's treating her.

She might have a mental health condition. But you can't simply ignore the fact that her husband is a dickhead who has gone back on his word about the division of labour since the child came along so that everything is skewed to his benefit.

This is a bit old fashioned - the woman should be content to sit around at home raising the children while the man goes out to work?

What about her aspirations and goals outside of child rearing? Don't they matter?

You've posted about this before - you sound no further forward

She didn’t say she’s been fucked over by having the baby, she said she’s been “fucked over by this baby” which suggests there is an element of blame on the baby, and no, that’s not a healthy reaction mentally

So it's your babies fault? Your baby has not fucked you over!

Your an adult. You choose to continue with your pregnancy and have a child. That was your choice.

This is seriously worrying your blaming your baby. You need to seek immediate help.

When I was pregnant I basically puked non stop. By the time I gave birth I’d already been off work for six months. Then I nearly died giving birth. They repaired me but it didn’t work very well, I had PND and was stuck on an NHS waiting list for further surgical repairs. For most of 2019 I couldn’t leave the house because I was unable to control farting and sometimes shat myself. Then after the surgery I had months of physio to improve my sphincter. My son was booked in to start nursery after Easter 2020 so I could start going to interviews and get a job - what a joke that turned out to be. Meanwhile DH has sailed along with the same healthy body he had before, going on business trips and getting promoted. I’m so angry and jealous.

A university friend of mine recently had a baby. Easy pregnancy, worked right up to her due date, easy birth, no pandemic, 3 months off work and she’s back in her old job. I can hardly talk to her, I’m so jealous.

I really feel for you, get a nanny if you can, go for counselling too, again if you can. You have my sympathy

This is really short sighted of your husband.
DH's career meant frequent relocations, which flattened my fledgling career, I went with the commonsense approach that his wage was greater. I didn't resent him, it was a practical decision and this enabled him to progress. But...he was made redundant unexpectedly, he has found work again, but it is at a far lower payscale, I haven't worked for years and have a teen with health issues. I and DH wish I'd had a decent wage to fall back on.

In your shoes I would apply for jobs and then tackle the issues after you have been successful. If you tell MN what profession it is, you might get some good advice.

Ignore the bad mother posts. You've never once intimated you don't love your child. There is nothing wrong with being angry that your DH has changed the goal posts (in fact he's moved the whole bloody pitch).

@Bhagira I'm so sorry you are having a rubbish time, it's not easy raising a little one especially with the difficulties you have had. The good thing is it won't be forever, most mums would love to be in a position that they can enjoy spending time with their little ones so you completely will be envied by so many people that you know who would love to be in your shoes. Try and enjoy your baby and apply for part time hrs until you can put him into a nursery for a few days.

I promise you will look back and laugh that you once thought your career was over!!! Xxx

You need to see your gp op I was kind of in the same situation a year ago but I wasn't jealous or angry with anyone I got on with it applied for jobs and got childcare sounds like your really struggling but only you and your husband can change this situation get everything sorted this can't be good for your child .

get your job applications in when your child is asleep
Ha! I go to bed at the same time as my son. Because I know I’ll be woken up multiple times and will have to get up at 5-6am. DH sits downstairs watching tv because he knows he won’t have to get out of bed during the night and he won’t have to get up at 5am. His argument is that he’s earning our only income and has to perform at work so he can’t be tired, whereas I’m at home so it doesn’t matter if I’m tired.

Yanbu. Women are screwed quite honestly. Yeah it all seems lovely and equal until kids come along. It's not so much your husband that's the problem...more biology and the whole system

It sucks.

OP you need help, it could be PTSD . Your Husband is being an absolute knob also.

Your baby has not fucked you over!
Well I do feel like I’ve been fucked over. This is not what I signed up for. We agreed to share the impact of parenthood 50/50 but I’ve ended up bearing all of it, and it’s far greater than expected.