Did anyone get strung along by a man that they ended up childless?

[Witsend12s]

I have a thread in relationships about my partner deferring kids. I’m mid 30s and don’t know what to do. He says he wants them all the time, even brings up the topic himself! Then it’s deferred, deferred, deferred. He’s nearly 40. I’m so fed up.

I have had mixed views from friends- leave him or come off the pill without telling him. Neither of which I want to do in an ideal world.

Am I really running the risk of being childless? Can it really come to that after all he’s said about wanting them? So confused and sad.

How can we know what the future holds? I imagine though that there are plenty of women who put their baby plans on hold because of a dithering bloke. In some cases, the blokes leaves anyway and has a family with a younger woman. Imagine how much that would hurt.

If you want children, I suggest you move on quickly.

Sperm is a cheap commodity. A bloke is not worth risking your fertility for.

One of my very good friends was with someone for 10 years who kept saying 'not this year, not this year'. He left her when he got his lover pregnant.

She is now in her fifties and childless.

I am sorry you have to take care of the narrative here. I read your other thread. He should want children as much as you do. Like tomorrow.

He can still have children without problems in five years time.

One of my Mum’s dear friends ended up not having the children she had wanted. Her husband said he didn’t want them and she chose to stay with him. He left her at a point where she was now too old to have them and got together with someone younger and had two children.

A woman at work did it on her own with IVF.
Is that something you would consider?
I would just tell him you are stopping the pill as it can take up to 2 years to get pregnant ( after long term use, we all hear about someone who got pregnant the first month, but I don’t think I have ever met anyone who did).
Let him know contraception isn’t his responsibility for a bit.

I think I would leave if I was in that position. Someone who knew me and risked my fertility isn’t someone who I would like to be with.

I wouldn't stop taking contraception without telling him but if you want more than one child then it's perfectly reasonable for you to stop being responsible for contraception as you'd like a baby.

As a 29 year old woman who is dithering about having a baby despite being married for 7 years and owning our flat, I can kinda identify (though I think dithering until 40 is a bit o.O) I am definitely not stringing my DH along, I mean, it is true that we can get a bigger mortgage on a bigger flat before we have DC. And the thing is that I am scared to start TTC because there is no going back from there. Maybe its like fear of the unknown coupled with the fact that I don't feel this desperate broodiness even though I like doing things like mapping out school catchments and looking up nurseries (but that is more like playing house than real life).

I asked my DH, would he regret marrying me and would he still love me if I never gave him a child. His response was that I am his wife and he didn't marry an egg laying chicken who becomes redundant if she doesn't breed. He said that a woman should always have the final say whether she becomes pregnant. Of course it is different for a man because he is not the one carrying the baby and breastfeeding. And he doesn't have the biological clock. But theoretically, a child is the responsibility of both parents. What is the reason for the dithering? Is he just scared of being a father.

Stop taking contraception without chatting to him is trapping him. I know it takes two to tango and it's not all your responsibility but if he thinks it's all covered and nothing to worry about as is status quo and you then play the oh contraception failed card you are trapping him.
Do you really want a child that it's father may resent if he found out the truth?
This man is clearly not for you if you can't find a common ground.

I know several friends who are childless because their exH kept saying not now and then went off with a younger woman and, consequently, had children with them! One of them met with someone else who promised he wanted more children, married her, and then told her he'd had a vasectomy!
Do what you think is right for you, not him. Good luck!

Loads of people do, yes. Telling a woman that they definitely absolutely want kids 'someday' and kicking the can down the road until she's too old to have them is a known tactic used by men who don't want kids with their partner but don't want the faff of breaking up and losing access to sex and a housekeeper and having to find someone new. Sometimes he does eventually decide he finally is ready for kids and therefore leaves and finds someone young enough to have them.

If he claims he wants kids and he's ALMOST FORTY and isn't asking you to stop using contraception and desperate to knock you up then he's lying. He's almost forty, good god. He knows what he wants by now. Listen to his actions, not his words. Men aren't imbeciles, they have the same access to fertility information as women do, they know that we have a biological clock.

I met DH when I was 28 and he was 24, I told him very early on I was ready for kids in the next 2/3 years so that he knew what my plans were and could decide whether they suited him too. If he was with someone younger he'd have happily waited until his thirties to have them but choosing to be with me meant trying at 30/31. That was the choice he happily made and we had our first three years after meeting.

You don't have a lot of time OP and I'd be shitting myself at 35 without a kid if I wanted one. He needs to shit or get off the pot. You start trying now, or I'd recommend splitting up and looking into going it alone if you're able to. If he wanted a baby with you you'd be trying for a baby at your ages.

This is not uncommon, and it happened to a friend of mine who wasted a whole decade with a man who strung her along. Egg thieves I call them.

I also know of two very lovely women who were split up with their long-term partners in their late 30s because of this issue, then very quickly moved onto to have babies with men they're now divorced from. Both amazing women who wouldn't have made the choices they made if they weren't working within a reduced fertility window.

If kids is a deal breaker for you then you have to have a different conversation. Set a timeframe and mean it.

Yes, I have a family member who is in a relationship with an older man who strung her along about having kids. There was always some excuse eg getting work finished on the house, finish a project at work, go travelling etc. She is no childless and is basically stuck at home with him as he does not want to go out, on holidays etc and she is slowly becoming his carer.

This nearly happened to me. I left him and planned to get my own via a sperm bank. You have to leave him. One of two things will happens. After a couple of years he will realise his mistake and beg for you to come back and you can negotiate children. Or he won't but by then you will realise you are strong and independent and can do it on your own and in fact would prefer it because you don't have to deal with in laws and a stupid partner all the time.

At the moment what are you getting? Time is ticking. The absolute hardest part is leaving and the rest gets easier.

Sperm costs about a grand and you don't need IVF, they just put the sperm in at a clinic.

I'd say this is a real risk for you, OP. In your shoes I'd give an ultimatum and be prepared to leave after that. I did the same but was a few years younger at the time.

The other thing that I've unfortunately seen more than once is men doing this then leaving and having a kid with a younger woman.

I know 2 women who this happened to.

One in the end put him on the spot after 10 years of saying 'not ready' when she was 39/40. He then said he didn't think he would ever want kids. She decided to stay with him as their relationship was when it came down to it more important to her than possibly having children (albeit she had always wanted kids of her own). They split up 5 years later. He's now with a woman 10 years older - so at least the bit about him not wanting kids was true. I think my friend would have found it harder if he'd ended up starting a family with a younger woman.

The other - friend met him 12 years ago. Both claimed to want marriage and kids, in that order. Took him 3 years to propose, another 2 for the actual wedding. Then it was the honeymoon...doing up the house, it was always down the line somewhere. He still says he'd like kids when the time is right. They are both 50 next year, so I rather think that ship sailed a while ago.

If I was late 30s and childless, I'd rather go it alone than wait for a man to make his mind up.

I'm another who has a friend who was with someone who didn't want children. They were together 15 years and as she hit late 30s she pleaded with him to have a baby. He left her because she was pressuring him and he never wanted children, ever. Who'd have guessed he then got with a younger woman and started a family with her.

My friend was so utterly heartbroken and devastated that it took about 10 years (and a couple of really shite short term relationships) for her to heal.

She then went through menopause and had a very difficult time because she couldn't cope with the finality of never having her own children. She's come to terms with it now (mid 50s) but it's so sad, my heart breaks for her.

I can't believe how many others have been through the same.

The reason men dither is because they can. If they thought they would run out of spunk at 40 they wouldn't be so blasé

Don't waste any more fertile years on this man

I told my dh kids or leave. I might not have met someone else to have kids with but I’d resent him if we didn’t try. I didn’t want to resent him, if he didn’t want kids that’s a choice but that’s not what he said when we got married and his change in mind didn’t mean mine had. His choice and we now have 2 .

My friend has “ended up childless” not because he’s strung her along but because she’s stayed with him while hoping he’d change his mind. He’s been clear from day 1 he didn’t want kids or marriage and they’ve broken up a bunch of times over it, he’s not going to change his mind and neither should he, and she goes through phases of accepting it and trying to convince him. The baby ship has sailed and I hope she thinks it’s worth it.

Men put it off because they can. They can have children into their 80's if they want to. Women can't put it off, and if a man is a keeper he'll understand that and make a decision. I wouldn't be wasting time on this one if he keeps putting it off .

I would stop taking the pill, but tell him that’s what you’ve done. Take back control of your own body. If it then becomes obvious he was full of shit, leave.

Yep, probably me.

Can-kicking DH, never resolved it properly, so now early 50s, no kids.

We're pretty happy but we have always been able to discuss things. Our problem was that we never got to a mutual decision.

Your issue is the mixed messages.

Two threads on the same issue OP.

I think you have your answer but it's hard for you to hear right now.

I'm sorry but I think you need a serious chat with your DP.

I suspect you've been together a long time and he's put marriage off too, or said it's just a piece of paper, or having a baby is a bigger commitment so you don't need marriage.

I know someone who did, yes. She has a great life and is happily partnered with someone else. But it’s not how her younger self thought her life would be. Though she seems pretty happy with life.