Did anyone get strung along by a man that they ended up childless?

[Witsend12s]

I have a thread in relationships about my partner deferring kids. I’m mid 30s and don’t know what to do. He says he wants them all the time, even brings up the topic himself! Then it’s deferred, deferred, deferred. He’s nearly 40. I’m so fed up.

I have had mixed views from friends- leave him or come off the pill without telling him. Neither of which I want to do in an ideal world.

Am I really running the risk of being childless? Can it really come to that after all he’s said about wanting them? So confused and sad.

Don't come off the pill without telling him. But you're ready for an ultimatum. He needs to agree to start trying for kids, or you need to decide you'd rather stay with him even if it means no kids, or you need to leave and find someone else or conceive on your own.

Of course plenty of men string women along. They don't set out to do it, they do it because it's cosy and convenient to have a partner and if you're vague about when you'll try for kids then you get to just keep kicking the subject into the long grass.

Thank god he is. But you never would have guessed in the 13 years we were together. He was so nice and passionate about me. For so many years. Everyone thought I was so lucky. When we broke up it was like a total different man. A stone cold stranger. He didn't even try to lie. Just sat there and very calmly said he didn't care that it was my lifelong dream to have children that he was deliberately fucking up. He never intended to stay with me forever.

So OP, no matter how lovely he is, do not give up your dream for him.

Sorry if this is insensitive, but I don't really understand. I don't understand why women put up with this for so long, 7 years? They got to 40. If someone isn't on the same page as you, why leave it till then? Why not leave after a few years.

I broke up with my long term boyfriend when I was 33 (we were together 10 years). He kept saying he wanted kids with me but also wanted to go on month long travel adventures first. He never booked the adventures so how was it ever going to happen? Post break up… still no adventures either.

I ended it eventually although wish I had sooner.

I met someone when I was 36 and we’re TTC at the mo. I hope it’s not too late.

Please don’t let this man steal your chance at motherhood, OP. Because he will if you let him. Realistically you have only a few years left in which to become a mother. Yes, women do have babies into their 40s but it’s much harder to get pregnant after 40 and you should not kid yourself otherwise. Leave him and go it alone. You don’t have a lot of time. It sucks but that’s the reality of female fertility.

It's not uncommon.
You're 35 - it may already be a struggle to get pregnant due to age, you don't want to be waiting any longer.
Give him an ultimatum

Time for him to nail his colours to the mast, right now, today, and make a final decision so you can make yours.

Plenty of good advice here and on your other thread.

It's so easy for partners to put off a final decision because they're just going along with more of the same, without having to think about it.

My ex didn't string me along - always said he didn't want kids - but I stayed for a long time, hoping he would change his mind. About 5 years into our (much longer) relationship, he asked me to marry him and I said, Don't be silly, and he said, Why not? And I said, Because you don't want children and I do and we haven't figured that out yet. To this day, his reply staggers me: "Oh, I forgot about that."

I was prepared to walk out if my marriage over this at 30/31. It was a deal breaker for me. I moved out, DH got his head together and we now have two kids. Depends whether you could ever forgive him if you never got the opportunity to at least try to get pregnant.

If having kids - and having kids at an age with improved maternal/child outcomes (ie not waiting until you are in your 40s to have your first) is the most important thing to you then you are going to have to face the sad news that it might mean leaving your current partner.

And if there's a chance that is what has to happen then for your sake having it happen sooner rather than later is important so that you either have enough time to meet someone without rushing into it who does want to start a family with you, or you have enough time to do the IVF route on your own - which can take time.

If, on the other hand, having kids is something you'd like but could also see yourself living a happy life without then I wouldn't sacrifice a happy relationship for that.

Well, my DH strung me along for many years saying he wanted children "just not yet". I'm older than him and by the time I got to 35 I was panicking! However on my 35th birthday he said "Well we'd better start trying, you're 35!". I conceived that first month and we now have 2 lovely children (enough for us). The thing is you never know if you'll be strung along forever until it's too late or if they really mean it when they say they want children. For me the gamble paid off but I realise it could have gone the other way. Having said that I feel like I need to defend men. I don't actually know any man who's strung a woman along tor years and then NOT had children with her. I do know men who've made it clear that they don't want children but they've always been open about this.

I'd say your options are
Stay childless with a liar.
Leave him and become a single mother by sperm donor (not his).

Leave. He doesn’t want children with you.

I know at least three men now and more from the past that spent the first40 even 50 years of their life saying they would have children 'one day' and their first wives waiting albeit they had very wealthy lifestyles and travelled plenty but were them divorced in their 40s and the men remarried and have younger wives and children.

I think men underestimate how important having a baby is to most women .We are constantly bombarded with images of single childless women ,who are running ICI single handed and are revered for their skills .This is all fine of course ,but most women have reasonable jobs and would like children .I think to say you would like to start trying now .Not in a year or so time.If he hesitates you have your answer.Time is not on your side .Maybe you will be lucky and get pregnant easily ,hopefully thats the case . If not you can meet someone else .

Almost! At 35, I gave him an ultimatum & we TTC, I got pregnant very quickly. Went on to have 2 DC. He wasn't the most engaged or involved father, and I felt like a single parent most of the time.

What I hadn't realised was that he had been having affairs at that time & was not committed to me (this all came out later).

I would never had stayed with him had I known.

Of course we ended up splitting up.

My poor DC, I feel so sad for them.

NC for this!

Yes. This is currently happening to me as we speak. Don’t make my mistake.

I met my DP 8 years ago. I was 36 he was 38
I was never in any rush to have a child, but I knew I’d like one. He wanted to wait until we lived together to have children, which initially I thought was sensible.

He’d gone through several miscarriages with his ex, who’d been desperate for a baby. So I didn’t want to pressure him. But whenever I tried to bring up the subject of a baby, he’d make out I was pressuring him. Or revert back to the living together thing.

But 8 years down the line with me aged 44 and him aged 46, we still don’t live together and we still have no children, I’m likely too old now and have had to accept that it’s probably too late for me. And it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

And it’s left me wondering why I’m even bothering with the relationship anymore. I’ve thought about ending it many times, but it’s hard to walk away from someone you’ve spent so many years with. I’m basically a wimp!

I’ve wasted my remaining child bearing years waiting on my DP to be “ready”. And trust me I’ve had discussions with friends too about the whole coming off the pill and not telling him either! (My morals wouldn’t let me do that however).

You still have time to do something about it.

I don’t. I’ve made my bed and now I’ve got to lie in it.

Don’t make my (and many other womens!) mistake and waste anymore time on someone who won’t commit to having children with you.

I would definitely stop taking the pill but of course you must tell him. And see what he does.

It can take forever to get pregnant and get the contraception out of your system so start doing it now instead of delaying any longer. In the meantime you can think if you want to stay with him at all or not

My lovely sister. Bloody husband kept moving the goal posts. First it was renovating the house, then he needed to concentrate on his possible promotion, aaahhh man excuse after excuse!. He would bring up having children every so often just to dangle the bloody carrot. I knew he'd never wanted kids, he's just a big sulky div who never grew up, an only child who's been spoilt by his mom. He'd never want to not be first in his relationship.

So yeah she's now in her 40's and she's given up on kids. Life revolves around him and his wants and needs. Resentment is building and she's talking about leaving him.

I watched her hold my grandson recently with tears in her eyes.

I suppose you just have to ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life with him knowing he denied you this. Can you get through the sadness and resentment.

Hope it all works out for you whatever your decision x

I know exactly what I would do. I would stop taking the pill right now and tell him I had done so. Loud and clear. This is your one life. Ball is then in his court. He either stops having sex with you and moves out. Or he continues as you are and you hopefully get pregnant, which he will be knowingly in agreement with.

Happened to me. I eventually left, but didn’t have children. I wanted to go it alone but then had sudden caring responsibilities. I’m now too old, and childless, but I refuse to let it devastate me. I have met a new partner who is just perfect, and I’m so grateful he is in my life, but it does make me sad sometimes. We have a baby due in our family and although I will make damn sure the parents don’t know how I feel I am jealous as hell and worrying how I make sure they never know.

I share your concern about your partner apparent lack of commitment to starting a family with you and mid-30's is not leaving you very much time to go through the difficult process of finding someone who feels the same as you about having children. I am replying to this because I am concerned that my daughter (29) may find herself in the same situation - her partner is a lovely guy - works hard at his career but my reservations about him are simply that he is an only child (of parents who were also only children) - his friendship groups have always been large and active - groups from school and uni renting houses for weekends away etc - he loves to be doing things with his circle of friends and going away for parties, no end of weddings, etc. As I remember thinking in the lead up to trying for children - we both had professional reasonable jobs, manageable mortgage, could save every month and pay off the mortgage faster than we needed to and had money to go away at weekends - having a child at any point does change your life - you might think you can look at the figures and the timing and decide when it is best but I found, only with hindsight, that the biggest changes were ones I could not have predicted - the main one being that having children turned out for me to make me think less about my career ambitions and more about being a dad. Looking back I don't think there was a better or a worse time to decide to start trying - it all came down to the question - when we were both 29 - do we want children - yes or no? We decided we did. We had bought a house and been living in it together for 5 years. We decide to marry and start trying - we married in Nov 91 within 6 weeks of the decision and our first daughter was born April 93. So - on a positive note - if you can agree on the decision and get cracking - your life could change quite quickly. He's really got to be 100% on board with it though - it's hard enough when both parents are going for the full parenthood experience all in - sadly and perhaps not surprisingly I read too often on here mothers that aren't seeing the same amount of effort from their partner "because they are working". I've just about to start the conversation with my daughter about my concerns - we can talk about this - I have nothing but positive thoughts about her partner - he's one of the liveliest guys I know BUT I just don't think he's ever going to see or find the right moment appear in his career and TBH - he's 31 going on 18 - I just don't think he'll ever be ready.

What are the reasons your partner is giving for not starting - now - as in today? I think you need a conversation that going to stick in his mind so he's got to know that this might be a deal breaker - are you sure of that? My sister sadly could not have kids - she would have made a great mum and would have enjoyed it - she's mid-50's now and that sadness and regret never far from her thoughts. You really need to dig to find some convincing reasons about what is really at the heart of his apparent reluctance. You calculate as far as anyone is able to - how long would it take you to find another partner you could trust to have children with - it's not 6 months is it? It's going to be a long time IMHO. Can you communicate that to your partner - these might sound hard conversations to have but in my experience all good relationships need to be able to have the toughest, deepest, most honest conversations about all the important issues - trust, faithfulness, having children, money, sex, personal and professional aspirations - these brutally honest conversations are the foundations of a relationship - trust is built on knowing these things, knowing your partner.

I definitely think there are guys who maybe commitment phobic and guys who just don't have the guts or the honesty to say it out loud that either they don't really want kids or that they are not sure - at least if they say they are not sure it's a place to start working though the reasons why they think or feel that. IMO my daughter's partner likes his life the way it is - he really likes his job and enjoys seeing his friends and he has his hobbies and he's not constrained by anything - certainly not money. As an only child from a wealth background, private education, etc he doesn't seem to know the value of money.

At 40 - I suspect your partner is reaching that age where he won't welcome any changes in his life - the changes in responsibility - it will probably affect your relationship - it's relentless and tiring being a new parent - I found it affects how you feel about yourself - about the importance of work. In your shoes - if you really do know you want to have children of your own - I think you have to put that option - to move on - on the table - no doubt it's a tough thought - but obviously - you have invested a lot in getting to this point in your relationship so you don't want to throw it all away unless you are as certain as you can be that he doesn't want the same things as you. It's hard but I think you are doing the right thing thinking about your age - with me and my partner these conversations had been going on for a few years and then in a matter of months our thinking all came together and within about 18 months we had our first child so - your life can change quickly - if you both decide to make it happen. Equally - I guess you could be out of the relationship looking for someone else in less time than that.

He hasn’t even proposed to you- a commitment that can be undone with paperwork and lawyers.

So why on earth are you hoping he comes good on a lifelong commitment that there is no going back from?

He’s clearly future faking. Don’t listen to any of this advice where you stop taking the pill and put the contraceptive responsibility on him. Assuming you fall pregnant due to his laziness, all you have done is gifted your DC with a father who is completely ambivalent about them and will leave all childrearing duties to you.

You still have time to meet someone who wants to be the father of your children. Go get a fertility MOT done. If there are any issues- IUI from a sperm donor and going it alone it may be. But better than tying yourself to someone who would fob you off over something so important.

Yep!
The baby he had with the woman he dumped me for is 3 months old. (He cheated on me with her and left me homeless in 20k of debt)
I'm just thankful that I'm not tied to that cunt by a child.
I've met the love of my life and we are happy without children.
I've made peace with it.

It happened to one of DH’s former colleagues. She desperately wanted children but her husband kept putting it off. She got to 42 and was unable to conceive. He then had an affair, left her and had children with the OW.